Horace Hunter, searching for an Eldritch type to add to his team, has come to Cerulean City, tracking down a rumour.
Battle 96: Swapsies
Published: 9/12/23
Location: Cerulean City
Player: Horace Hunter (3-0-1)
...You know, passing Sand Fox HQ causes me a pang of regret for not dealing with the Gosslord... But no. I was right when I fought the fish. You were right when I was drinking like one. That office was a trap and you should have used the devolution spray before they escaped it.
NARRATOR still wouldn't go THAT FAR!
...Yes, taking responsibility for your lack of action has never been your strong suit.
Does HORACE want TODAY to go well or not?!
...Blackmail, huh? Fair enough. I'll stop heckling you.
In which case!
%!£$^&! appeared!
It's super incomprehensible!
...I can feel my mind wanting to shatter just looking at it.
It truly is an eldritch abomination.
More beautiful to behold in its majestic incomprehensibility than I ever imagined.
HORACE used FANGASM!
SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE~~~
It's super oldschool!
%!£$^&! wants to fight!
%!£$^&! sent out %!£$^&!!
Very well. Peefllorww, go!
HORACE sent out PEEFLLORWW!
%!£$^&! used TEXT SCRAMBLE!
...Here it comes. Hope your name doesn't get too much worse for both of our sakes.
NARRATOR and HORACE's TEXT COLOURS became SCRAMBLED!
What on earth does that mean?
NARRATOR wants to know how HORACE is TALKING in its RED!
...NARRATOR notices it's TALKING in PLAYER AQUA!
NARRATOR used CORRECT!
NARRATOR corrected TEXT COLOURS!
So are we back to normal now?
Evidently not.
...
NARRATOR seems to still have its NARRATIONAL POWER elsewhere!
Is HORACE able to SEE anything unusual?!
A lot more people than usual due to your narrator channels not working for me now, but... Nothing besides that.
NARRATOR wondered what happened to EVERYONE ELSE in the AREA!
This only seems to be a LOCAL PHENOMENON then, at least!
For both HORACE and NARRATOR!
Wait, you weren't able to just fix this... I wonder...
Peefllorww was renamed to Werewolf.
...Werewolf seems super happy to have their old name back.
...If HORACE is going to PLAY GOD at least put some FLARE into it!
This is working fine as is.
And is so freaking cool.
Aiarshph was renamed Vampire.
Aww, I can even see how happy Vampire is with that inside his ball without letting him out.
NARRATOR would like HORACE to HURRY UP and FIX NARRATOR's TEXT COLOUR!
So you can just change their names back? No way!
...
What's HORACE planning?!
Let's see...
Horace used name lock on Werewolf and Vampire, preventing their names from being changed by Narrator powers going forward.
...That's not FAIR!
And you tormenting my Pokémon, and myself, by mucking with their names is?
Just going to test something, Werewolf.
Werewolf was renamed Wolfwere.
No effect.
Awesome!
And just make a few Master Balls appear in my pocket for the road...
That really is CHEATING!
Oh, like anyone comes away from an encounter with an Eldritch type without at least duplicating infinite rare candy if they were encountering it deliberately.
...
OK, there's some stuff happening around here I'd rather not keep seeing, so let's get us back to normal.
Horace swapped the text colours between himself and the Narrator back.
Did it work?
NARRATOR thinks so!
%!£$^&! used UNANCHOR!
NARRATOR became UNANCHORED from TIME!
...What's that meant to mean?!
Narrator?
Hello?
...This feels different from the last time it vanished, and I can still see the red tint to everything...
Youngster Ben is taking his Ekans and Rattata to a particular neat patch of tall grass because both of his Pokémon want to play. Wait, hadn't he attached himself to Gym Owner Jim's exploration party after running out of the parts of Sandy Version the Narrator had control over? And hasn't both his Rattata and Ekans evolved already?
Battle 97: Shattered Mirror
Published: 16/12/23
Location: Route 3
Player: Youngster Ben (404 Record Not Found)
Oh, has BEN finally come back to FACE the MUSIC?!
Music? Narrator you're so weird sometimes.
Rattata and Ekans wanted to play in the tall grass, remember?
...EKANS and RATTATA?!
Yeah, you know. My Pokémon? For a god you sure are forgetful sometimes.
...Sorry!
NARRATOR got distracted by HOW LONG BEN took to PICK OUT what SHORTS to WEAR!
Heh, yeah... These ones have a neat PokéBall pattern around the hem!
...Still not sure I went with the right choice... The denim ones are shorter and it's hot out...
The SHORTS are FINE!
NARRATOR isn't sure it could TAKE another HOUR of BEN contemplating what SHORTS to WEAR!
Even while INFINITE other things are HAPPENING elsewhere for it to NARRATE!
RATTATA and EKANS are playing HAPPILY together!
I should join 'em.
BEN used PLAY!
BEN went to PLAY with RATTATA and EKANS!
%!£$^&! appeared!
Location: Johto Sandcastle (Interior)
Player: Dictator Joey (404 Record Not Found)
NARRATOR looks at BATTLE HEADER!
DICTATOR JOEY?!
...Whatever are you wittering about now, Narrator?
Nothing!
Thought not.
Ben, are the preparations for the invasion of Kanto finished?
Youngster Ben: ...Yes.
Yes, what?
BEN used GLARE!
It doesn't affect JOEY!
Youngster Ben: ...Master.
I love the hatred in your eyes when you call me that.
Back in your ball.
BEN was recalled!
SOMETHING is WRONG!
...What have my Pokémon done wrong this time, and which do I need to feed to Grindstone?
Nothing!
None!
NARRATOR means with the WORLD!
What are you talking about?
This feels WRONG to NARRATOR!
Oh, are you whinging about me taking over Johto and expanding her borders again?
If you hadn't had... How did you put it when you last moaned about it? Tested me? The way you did with my accidental capture of Jacob I would never have realized my true destiny in the world.
Face it. You created me. I just... Took advantage of the opportunities you put in front of my face.
...Even if the treacherous rat I did it for didn't appreciate it.
NARRATOR more means in a METAPHYSICAL rather than a MORAL sense!
%!£$^&! wants to fight!
Location: Joanne's Tower (Throne Room)
Player: Empress Joanne (404 Record Not Found)
OK now NARRATOR knows something WEIRD is going on!
I don't keep you out of your Comma to think but to impose my will.
...NARRATOR's COMMA?!
Yes. Your comma. Are you going senile?
The one Ben caught you in before we pitted gods against each other when he followed me to make sure I didn't go power mad after capturing the twin morons in the Tilde.
...I mean, clearly the poor bastard never stood a chance, not only was his god less powerful but you're also incompetent.
If NARRATOR is so INCOMPETENT why does JOANNE insist on USING it?!
...Because you have something vaguely resembling subtlety in your abilities, unlike Tweedle Sand and Tweedle Clone's sledgehammer approach to godhood.
...
Right!
INTELLIGENCE REPORT was it?!
Yes, I want the intelligence report.
JOANNE used NOSE PINCH!
JOANNE's nerves are at BREAKING PONT!
NARRATOR should probably be on its BEST BEHAVIOUR!
Just. Get. On. With. It.
RED's SAFE ROOM NETWORK is still fully NARRATOR PROOF!
...I really wish I hadn't given him access to that thing before I realized my true potential.
YOUNGSTER BEN is still MISSING!
...He's got too much moral certainty to be out of the picture for eternity.
BEN blackmailed NARRATOR and then CAPTURED it when NARRATOR upheld its side of the BARGAIN!
Oh, please. Like you're not at least as big a villain as I am.
...
YOUNGSTER BEN's old RATICATE has now also disappeared, along with its associate RATICATE!
Are you sure they didn't join Red's faction in the Safe Room Network?
Yes!
...Then I have to assume they met up with Ben... What are they up to?
Anything else that I need to know on a professional basis?
No!
...And on the personal matter...?
CATHERINE continues to REJECT JOANNE's gifts!
CATHERINE continues to REFUSE to TALK to JOANNE until JOANNE gives up their POWER!
...
...DAMNIT!
JOANNE used THRONE SHATTER!
JOANNE needs a NEW THRONE!
%!£$^&! sent out %!£$^&!!
Location: Professor Birch's Lab
Player: Catherine Fennel (404 Record Not found)
Well, here I am.
NARRATOR is starting to get DIZZY!
...Really? From what?
...Nothing CATHERINE needs to worry about!
You're collecting your STARTER right?!
...Well, obviously?
...Sorry!
NARRATOR just has a LOT going on right now!
...Huh.
Professor Birch: A protagonist type and a rival type just took two of the Pokémon I have available, and I haven't had a chance to recatch either of those yet, so I'm afraid if you want anything but Torchic, you're going to have to give me about a week.
More like a MONTH!
...Hm?
BIRCH always SAYS it will take them a WEEK to RESTOCK on STARTERS but they ALWAYS get ATTACKED by POOCHYENA when trying to CATCH any!
If NARRATOR recalls CORRECTLY last time one STOLE their SANDAL?!
Professor Birch: ...No? I'm pretty sure I'd remember that happening. Just chased me for a few weeks last time.
NARRATOR racks its MEMORY!
No, no... BIRCH is CORRECT!
The SANDAL incident is NEXT TIME!
Professor Birch: You are many things, Narrator, but precognizant has never been one of them.
NARRATOR is a bit WOOZY with TIME right now but it's probably for the BEST if BIRCH doesn't believe it!
...Fortunately, I wanted Torchic anyway.
Truthfully, I want a companion at university rather than a companion on a journey, so a Pokémon who can help me brew coffee as well as dealing with inanimate objects attacking me feels ideal.
Professor Birch: Well I figured that you weren't planning on going on a Pokémon Journey since you came to me at 18 rather than 10. Good luck with your studies.
%!£$^&! used GLITCH DRAIN!
Location: Team Rocket Hideout - Giovanni's Office
Player: Rocket Grant (404 Record Not Found)
What do you want us to do with the Tilde, boss?
NARRATOR thinks it preferred the FRAGMENT where it was CAPTURED by JOANNE to the idea of TEAM ROCKET having the TILDE!
Rocket Red: ...
Giovani: Firstly, ignore the Narrator's blathering. It does not compare in power to what's inside the Tilde.
Giovani: Red, you have a new uniform accessory to slip into.
Rocket Red: ...
RED used DON!
RED put on COMMAND BRACELET!
...
Giovani: Curious thing about those. They allow the controller of their remote to have a very tight influence over the wearer as long as the wearer doesn't vocally object.
Rocket Red: ...
Giovani: Of course, if a non-protagonist type touches the Tilde without having caught what's inside themselves, the contents will escape.
Giovani: And then... Well... What use does Team Rocket have with a child who screwed up and lacks protagonist grade plot armour?
Giovani: I'll have your head on a pike if you stop being a protagonist type.
...
...
And me?
GRANT used APPROACH with CAUTION!
GRANT approached GIOVANI's DESK and BRIEFLY put their HANDS on it!
Giovani: Well, I like my grunts to work in pairs on the field, so... I guess you're still going to be his partner.
And I suppose I'll be killed if he stops being a protagonist type as well?
Giovani: It's nice to see such an intelligent young man working for my organization for once.
Giovani: I like you.
GIOVANI used BACK SLAP!
I'd like to turn it into a manly hug.
ROCKET GRANT used HUG!
GRANT and GIOVANI EMBRACED with GREAT MASCULINITY!
GRANT used WHISPER!
You underestimated how much I've come to think of him as a little brother.
GRANT used BACKSTAB!
GRANT stabbed GIOVANI in the BACK with the LETTER OPENER they SLIPPED into their HAND when TOUCHING the DESK!
GIOVANI died!
...Wait, what?!
...Seriously?!
...Narrator, are you ok?
FINE!
Whoever takes over from Giovani is going to find a way of using you in the exact same way. Please, run.
Huh?! ROCKET RED is evolving!
ROCKET RED evolved into FUGITIVE RED!
FUGITIVE RED wants GRANT to ESCAPE with them!
With a name like Grant?
I'm stuck here. Nominative determinism and all that.
What even am I if not the grunt of an evil team?
GRANT used EQUIPMENT SMASH!
GRANT smashed CONTROL BRACELET REMOTE under BOOT!
But that doesn't mean I can't help you get out.
%!£$^&! syphoned energy from NARRATOR!
Location: SVWebmaster's Tower (Exterior)
Player: Dave (404 Record Not Found)
I still say it's messed up that I'm having to condemn a kid to the Land of the Dead for at least 100 more battles than necessary to execute this plan.
You know this version of Sandy's not going to last until 150. Barely any version lasts until 150. Sandy's first iteration only lasted until 65. The one that put me on this path didn't even make it to 5!
NARRATOR has no clue what DAVE is talking about!
Well, yeah. You can't see half of what's going on because you have a weird vision defect that I've never met another Narrator with.
...NARRATOR is having a BAD DAY so it would appreciate it if DAVE just CLARIFIED the bits NARRATOR is meant to KNOW ABOUT!
That guy I dragged kicking and screaming about a ramen shop from out of the places you can't be? He's going to finish the job. And then biomerge with his old friend so they can both get back without anything nasty starting hunting him for cheating the system. Hopefully, that'll recover the latter's flesh in the process because otherwise, that's going to be even more painful here than it is there.
They didn't seem to LIKE the PLAN!
He'll recover. Might not forgive me, but he'll recover.
NARRATOR didn't know HECHOFME could penetrate SKULLS like that!
There are some really cool TMs in the Land of the Dead, remember. That's why I went in the first place.
...That was LONGER AGO for NARRATOR than it was for DAVE!
...You claim you accelerated time by long enough in the parts of Sandy you have influence over that no one's grandparents remember a time without you, and yet so much stagnation. Not even flying cars.
WARP PANELS make FLYING CARS redundant!
But aren't nearly as cool.
Anyway. I'm ready. Time to take out SVWebmaster.
Oh, and Narrator?
Hm?!
Make it as agonizing for him as you can.
%!£$^&! used GLITCH BLAST!
Location: Narrator's Tower (Exterior)
Player: Pilot Tex (404 Record Not Found)
NARRATOR doesn't SEE how ALTERNATE EVENTS might have LED to that BATTLE HEADER!
NARRATOR also doesn't REMEMBER this!
I have no clue what you're on about, but there are a few thousand of the Alphabetical Order about to attack the Version's core inside your tower so get a grip on yourself.
...Right!
TEX is sure ALPHABETICAL ORDER DON'T know they BROKE FREE?!
Positive.
This is going to suck, but better than being stuck back in the void between versions. Or, worse, their prison.
UNKNOWN UNOWN started EMERGING from SECRET ROBOT!
Chainsaw, Scyther, stick to the plan.
Robot Smash!
TEX directed SECRET ROBOT to use SMASH!
SECRET ROBOT attacked OWN CHEST!
20 UNOWN died!
SECRET ROBOT took DAMAGE from the IMPACT!
TEX was hurt by EMPATHIC CONTROL LINK!
Aaaarrrrrrgh!
CHAINSAW used CHAIN!
CHAINSAW reinforced BARRIERS around NARRATOR's TOWER with CHAINS!
SCYTHER used X-SCISSOR!
SCYTHER cut one X FORM UNOWN from LIFE!
One X FORM UNOWN died!
NARRATOR was GLITCHED SOLID!
Location: Route 3
Player: Youngster Ben (404 Record Not Found)
Well, well, well. The Narrator was taken out by a fairly minor glitch.
...
Location: Johto Sandcastle (Interior)
Player: Dictator Joey (404 Record Not Found)
Pathetic. But then, what Narrator isn't?
...
Location: Joanne's Tower (Throne Room)
Player: Empress Joanne (404 Record Not Found)
...I wonder how little damage it would take to turn you from glitched solid to dead...
...
Location: Professor Birch's Lab
Player: Catherine Fennel (404 Record Not Found)
I don't want to go for any overkill.
...
Location: Team Rocket Hideout - Giovanni's Office
Player: Rocket Grant (404 Record Not Found)
It would be much more satisfying if I do exactly the amount of damage it will take to kill you.
...
Location: SVWebmaster's Tower (Exterior)
Player: Dave (404 Record Not Found)
Far more humiliating for you to be killed by the glitch equivalent of a struggle than a hyperbeam.
...%!£$^&! used GLOAT!
Location: Narrator's Tower (Exterior)
Player: Pilot Tex (404 Record Not Found)
What? How are you still Narrating?!
NARRATOR reenergized itself in the BORING GLOAT SPEACH that %!£$^&! should have been using to FINISH the JOB!
Location: Narrator's Mind
Player: %!£$^&! (-128-0-1)
Was ANY of that REAL?!
Does it matter?
...NARRATOR doesn't know!
...But NARRATOR would PREFER it if things wouldn't have just sort of WORKED OUT BETTER had it not MEDDLED!
NARRATOR would have LIKED to not wind up being CAPTURED by a YOUNGSTER while TEAM ROCKET still failed to get hold of the TILDE!
Heh. Yeah, that one's going to be a doozy for you to contemplate.
But it looks like you win this battle.
As for the war? This Version will be so easy to conquer by my siblings.
...
No Webmaster guarding it. A pathetically weak Narrator who was nearly taken out by something as minor as me.
...They were all ACTING in ways RESEMBLING how their CHARACTERS either ACTED or WOULD ACT in those SITUATIONS!
Maybe they were real and you make everything worse.
Or maybe I'm just a good actor and wanted to plant a hefty dose of self doubt into you before killing you.
What GLITCH are you, anyway?!
POKéMON has about a BILLION of them!
Heh. The early gens that PokéBattles is based on are practically built out of us, duct tape, and hope.
Which?!
Oh. You know. I'm a manifestation of Bike Shop Fast Text glitch.
...
The text was appearing so instantly you were able to see it from alternate realities and elsewhere in time as if it were now.
Neat, wasn't it?
So... It was all REAL?!
If I'm not lying to you.
...
And I doubt you're smart enough to figure out if that's true or not.
NARRATOR used SQUASH!
%!£$^&! was SQUASHED like the BUG it is!
SPEED RUNNERS lost interest in SANDY VERSION!
What now? You know when you narrate my death I'll just have an entire afterlife to corrupt to my desires.
I hear Sandy Version was nearly overrun by zombies.
GOSSLORDS!
Same thing and you know it. Wonder how it will fare with the ghouls I'm going to send its way from the Land of the Dead when I'm through with it.
NARRATOR considers its next bit of NARRATION carefully!
HAH! Like you're good enough with words for that.
%!£$^&! was REPAIRED from EXISTENCE with ZERO UNINTENDED CONSEQUENCES on SANDY VERSION's CODE!
NARRATOR returned to being ANCHORED in TIME!
Last time, the Narrator had a near existential crisis while talking to a bug. Horace Hunter, meanwhile, has been unable to do anything while waiting for the Narrator to start talking again.
Battle 98: A Troublesome Tail
Published: 23/12/23
Location: Cerulean City
Player: Horace Hunter (3-0-2)
The Eldritch type vanished before I could catch it a while ago.
Nothing to do but wait to see if the Narrator starts talking again.
I don't seem to be able to do anything under my own steam like I was able to during the Gosslord invasion, probably because the Narrator is theoretically still here.
I can still see that faint red mist no one noticed before the Narrator left.
...God this is boring...
NARRATOR returned to being ANCHORED in TIME!
You're back!
I mean you never actually left but you're properly back!
NARRATOR has a headache!
WHEN is this, again?!
An hour or two after the Eldritch type mucked with our text colours, I think.
What happened to it, anyway?
NARRATOR patched it!
...Err...?
What does HORRACE know about ELDRITCH TYPES?!
That they're cool and I want one.
...Anything else?!
No.
...DRAT and BLAST IT!
NARRATOR should CHECK something!
...And you need to tell me you're doing it?
NORMALLY no but in this case it DIRECTLY INVOLVES HORACE!
WEREWOLF was renamed WOLFWERE!
Oi! I just fixed that!
No effect!
Oh, great. That held. Was worried for a second it wouldn't.
...What's NARRATOR meant to do for HORACE's RUNNING GAG now?!
...Does there need to be one?
...NARRATOR guesses not!
But it was FUN to have one!
Not from where I'm standing it wasn't.
And my Pokémon both found it pretty horrific as well.
Anyway, since it seems to be gone, and you seem to be back to being yourself, I think I'm going to find something to watch, read, or whatever. Get my neurons firing properly again.
Location: Mysterious Isle: Camp Cave (Exterior)
Player: Rocket Grant (3-3-3)
Let's see... We have food secured for the day - By the by, the flavours of moss on offer today for dessert are strawberry and bogey, which do you fancy?
Pikachu: Pikachu.
Thought as much, I'm going with strawberry as well. The water filtration system doesn't need any repairs - it was well positioned - that creepy mysterious door is still ominously humming, no change to that status. I think that's the day's chores done. What are you fancying doing for fun? Maintaining morale is vital for survival.
Pikachu: Pikachu pi ka.
Yeah, I know. Thanks for snapping me out of the funk I was in back when I was subsisting inside a Wailord, by the by.
PIKACHU gets lost in THOUGHT about what to do for FUN!
Did anything WEIRD happen with NARRATOR that GRANT and PIKACHU noticed?!
...Only that the god who has unbridled influence on our lives is asking worrying questions like if we noticed anything weird happening with it.
...NARRATOR didn't go QUIET for a COUPLE of HOURS?!
No, we'd have definitely noticed that, why?
Seems to have been a LOCALIZED PHENOMENON then!
At least GRANT and PIKACU are ISOLATED enough that asking them won't SPREAD RUMOURS!
NARRATOR needs to FIGURE OUT how to ACCESS its MEMORIES of the past TWO HOURS but aside from that it can SAFELY IGNORE what just HAPPENED!
Pikachu: Pi!
Did you spot an enemy?
Pikachu: Pi Pikachu pika.
Then why did you suddenly yell chase?
Pikachu: Pikachu pi pikachu Pikachu pika.
My question... Oh! You want to play chase?
Pikachu: Pi.
Sure. I think last time we played that, it ended with me tagging you, so I guess you're it to start.
Honestly, sometimes being on this island makes me feel like a Youngster again.
GRANT used RUN!
PIKCAHU used CHASE!
PIKACHU used TAG!
GRANT is TAGGED!
SUDDEN FLASH of WHITE appeared!
SUDDEN FLASH of WHITE disappeared!
Oh!
That's what the NARRATOR was doing during the TWO HOURS the part of it with HORACE was SILENT for!
What the hell was that?
...My butt feels weird somehow...
Pikachu: ...Pi Pikachu pi...
...PIKACHU no longer has its TAIL!
GRANT has a HUMAN-SIZED PIKACHU TAIL!
Pikachu: Pi. Ka. Chu!
I can't! I didn't take it deliberately!
...What the hell are you playing at, Narrator?
PIKACHU wants its TAIL back!
PIKACHU wants to fight!
PIKACHU sent out PIKACHU!
Goddamnit I still don't have any Pokémon.
ROCKET GRANT sent out ROCKET GRANT!
...Iron Tail? I think that's something Pikachu has that uses its tail?
PIKACHU used THUNDERSHOCK!
GRANT used IRON TAIL
THUNDER surged through the IRON of GRANT's TAIL!
Ow!
It's not very effective!
Pi?!
...Huh, guess that rumour about Raichu grounding itself using its tail is true...
I'll try a double kick.
PIKACHU used AGILITY!
PIKACHU fell off BALANCE due to LACK of TAIL!
Attack failed!
GRANT used DOUBLE KICK!
GRANT kicked PIKACHU while it was DOWN!
Hit 3 times!
Pikachu: Chuuu...
Well, now I just feel bad.
SUDDEN FLASH of WHITE appeared!
SUDDEN FLASH of WHITE disappeared!
Pikachu: Pika?!
...Why does my foot feel all tingly?
Pikachu: Pi? Pikachu pi ka chu pi.
GRANT now has ONE PIKACHU FOOT and ONE HUMAN FOOT!
PIKACHU on the other hand now has ONE HUMAN FOOT and ONE PIKACHU FOOT!
...See what I mean about not doing it deliberately?
Pikachu: Pi...
Truce?
Pikachu: Pi!
I'd offer to shake on it but I think both times we've touched since the Narrator asked if anything weird had happened some of our body parts have transferred between each other so, probably better not risk it...
So. Again. What are you playing at, Narrator?
NARRATOR is tired of being ACCUSED of being RESPONSIBLE for EVERY LITTLE MISHAP!
Just because NARRATOR has a lot of INFLUENCE over REALITY doesn't make NARRATOR RESPONSIBLE for EVERYTHING that HAPPENS!
...It doesn't?
NARRATOR wishes it DID!
Firstly, terrifying. Secondly, that doesn't actually tell us if this is because of you or because of something else.
GRANT should try THINKING about it!
...What do you mean I should try thinking about it?
GRANT should try being SELF SUFFICIENT rather than RELYING on NARRATOR, RED, or PIKACHU for ONCE!
Wait... That second one caused us to resolve a violent conflict without one of us beating the other into unconsciousness. That doesn't seem in character for you.
And, come to think of it, neither of them really involved puns. Unless a weird mad scientist is bribing you, but it seemed more magical than scientific...
This isn't your doing, is it?
GRANT successfully figured SOMETHING out!
...That sounded more like an insult than praise.
Since being smuggled back into the land of the living by Raticate in Battle 50, Joey has been hiding from a manifestation of Death in a PokéBall that's trying to hunt him down to kill him. He has, however, come up with a plan on how to deal with his predicament.
Battle 99: Facing the Sandshrew
Published: 30/12/23
Location: Raticate's... Pocket?
Player: Joey (7-3-0)
At first I was afraid, I was petrified...
JOEY used SING!
...Nope, not helping, I still feel like I'm about to throw up as soon as he sends me out.
It doesn't affect JOEY!
Well, how would you feel if you were about to stand in front of a manifestation of Death who's been hunting you every time you were outside of a tiny ball since you left the Land of the Dead about a year ago and let it kill you, planning on beating up a guy who you helped your dead rat barely defeat last time you were dead so you can return to life pretty much immediately?
...
NARRATOR doesn't tend to put itself into DEADLY SITUATIONS!
A small fleshless dragon told me you could die last time I was dead.
NARRATOR has no idea what JOEY is talking about!
Cut the bs, I'm about to be killed by a terrifying Sandshrew and have no idea if I'm going to be able to beat Dave again to come back to life. Be straight with me for once.
NARRATOR meant about the FLESHLESS DRAGON, not the DEATH thing!
...Oh, right, you couldn't see him could you?
NARRATOR would think RATICATE and JOEY were playing an ELABORATE PRANK on it if it weren't for JOEY gaining KNOWLEDGE about it they didn't have BEFORE!
So, spill the beans. What can kill you?
Why does JOEY want to know that?!
You know what can kill me, seems only fair I know what can kill you.
...
NARRATOR doesn't trust JOEY!
Because I once took over a region and kept humans as Pokémon without their consent?
...
So, before you scared Ben out into the Narratorless Lands and his former Raticate followed, I was in touch with him via his former Raticate and my ten lines a day outside of this sphere.
...
He had a theory that you caused me to accidentally catch Jacob since the same thing happened to him and a Pokémon thief called Red when he was rescuing his Arbok.
He also told me you told him you had me lined up for being your Chosen One to save the version from Team Rocket's plan before I caught Jacob, and that you moved a book that would have implied you were catchable to make sure I wouldn't find out about that.
NARRATOR knows what BEN told JOEY via the medium of RATICATE!
So. Is it true? Are you as big a monster as I was? Manipulating the lives of kids to get your way before trying to recruit them to take on the mob to save your ass? Or maybe you're just an incompetent god?
Why does EVERYONE think NARRATOR is INCOMPETENT lately?!
You set up a situation where your disappearance nearly caused the entire version to evolve into Gosslords instead of just using devolution spray - Which no one else has access to but you - on Case 0!
None of us really thought you were competent beforehand, but Ben catching you taught everyone - not just those of us who'd been outside your influence before - that you're entirely unnecessary for life to function, and the ways you screw up demonstrably have potential to destroy us all.
So maybe people are naturally going to be just that little bit more critical of all your blatant inadequacies now?
Would the first Gosslord even have evolved without your puns?
Maybe JOEY should STAY DEAD this time!
Wow. Big scary god threatening a 9 year old kid without any Pokémon.
You're as big a loser as Mikey.
...
...
NARRATOR can make JOEY's life MISERABLE if it wants to!
If Ben's right, you already have - I wouldn't have spent over a year cooped up inside a Pokéball if you hadn't given me that nudge to be the worst version of myself.
Hell. Maybe I would never have fallen out with Raticate in the first place... That might have just been you making a pun on a whim that changed the course of my life for the worse, or at least the next couple of weeks of it, even if I'd have handled it better.
...
What did Raticate tell me you threatened to do to Ben if he recalled you...
NARRATOR didn't threaten BEN with ANYTHING!
Really?
NARRATOR set a MECHANISM in PLACE that will AUTOMATICALLY TRIGGER if BEN recalls NARRATOR!
...You know that's worse, right?
But, seriously, remind me. It kind of slipped my mind.
...
...
NARRATOR doesn't believe JOEY has FORGOTTEN!
Yeah. But I want to hear you say it. Just between us monsters.
What does JOEY expect to GAIN from this FARCE?!
Say. It.
BEN will evolve into a TOILET and if BEN recalls NARRATOR!
There. Was that really that hard?
Now that we're both on the same page that you're at least as bad as I ever was--
NARRATOR disagrees!
We both know that's not true or you wouldn't have been reluctant to say what you'd done.
...
Now that we're both on the same page that you're at least as bad as I ever was, what can kill a Narrator?
...
WEBMASTERS!
...I really should learn HTML sometime...
Other NARRATORS!
...That's a terrifying prospect...
POWERFUL POKéMON such as DOOMPUFF and RIPOFFs!
...Are you even a god if a Pokémon can kill you?
GLITCHES in REALITY!
...Huh?
...Possibly the SANDSHREW who's HUNTING JOEY!
No, no. Go back a step. Glitches in reality?
That UNKNOWN quantity of UNOWN from a while back were pretty scary and MIGHT be able to take out NARRATOR if they wanted to!
...No. Seriously, can we go back to the concept of glitches in reality for a second? Because that makes no sense unless we're a computer program.
...
...
SANDY VERSION is not a COMPUTER PROGRAM if JOEY is worried about that!
Before... Everything... You very occasionally made reference to 'readers' - only after I encountered the kid with a Finger for a Pokémon, though.
...
And what was that Dave said about if I knew? After he was talking as if reality was a piece of media... Before you two passed it off as an in joke...
...
...Wait, Webmasters can kill you? That would only make sense if reality were hosted on the internet.
...
...Every 50 official battles almost sounds like it's chapters in a book or...
...Installments in... A piece of serialized fiction...
...JOEY shouldn't worry about SUCH THINGS!
Narrator, I think I need to know if I'm fictional.
Does it make a MATTER?!
...Huh?
JOEY's choices are JOEY's to make whether or not they REALLY EXIST!
They're not my decisions if I'm being written!
Has JOEY ever done any WRITING?!
You don't remember my Adventures of Rattata book?
...NARRATOR had only just SUCCEEDED in FORGETTING that!
Rude.
How much of that had JOEY planned out in ADVANCE?!
...Err...
How much?!
...That my Rattata was going to have superpowers in it...
I really hadn't expected the pirates.
...Or the dancing.
...And especially not the romantic subplot between the two Rattata.
...I still don't know why my teacher gave me detention for including inappropriate subject matter in a school writing assignment when I was just accurately describing how Rattata mate...
...It was almost as if the fictional version of Rattata came alive in my head while I was writing them.
Now, SUPPOSE JOEY is FICTIONAL!
...Are you saying I am, or I'm not?
NARRATOR is asking JOEY to PRETEND they are!
Whether JOEY is or isn't is IRRELEVANT to this QUESTION!
...OK...
Would the AUTHOR of this HYPOTHETICAL FICTIONAL VERSION of JOEY choose to WRITE the CONVERSATION JOEY is currently having with NARRATOR?!
Maybe?
About if JOEY is FICTIONAL?
Doesn't JOEY think that might SIDE TRACK whatever the AUTHOR was trying to WRITE?!
If the author wants to blame me for padding out whatever it is they're writing they should come and argue with me face to face rather than using you as a proxy!
The AUTHOR is kind of TRAPPED INSIDE A TILDE right now along with THEIR YOUNGER SELF and isn't currently able to do much WRITING let alone SELF INSERTS!
...
...
...So I am fictional?
...
...
...Maybe NARRATOR really is INCOMPETENT!
...
NARRATOR didn't want anyone to KNOW about the NATURE of REALITY!
...
NARRATOR thought they'd be HAPPIER without knowing!
...Wait... You thought we'd be happier without knowing?
...Independently of any authors?
The AUTHOR abandoned this place YEARS ago!
NARRATOR found it in RUINS!
NARRATOR cultivated it inside the AUTHOR's HEAD, bringing it BACK to LIFE!
Then a SHARD of the AUTHOR's PAST got out and started DICTATING NARRATOR put up a BATTLE most WEEKS on the INTERNET!
NARRATOR is keeping that up!
...So are we being written or not?
Like, is there someone beyond this author insert who's apparently now stuck in a tilde... That sounds painful...
CRAMPED too, with TWO of them in there!
But is there? Someone beyond it who's writing us right now?
Does it MATTER?!
...I need to know if I have choices in my life. If what I did was my fault or not.
NARRATOR thinks that it uses TOO MANY PUNS for this to not be COMEDY if it is being WRITTEN externally to NARRATOR!
NARRATOR doesn't think a COMEDY AUTHOR would write about a 9 YEAR OLD letting themselves DIE by CHOICE!
...
NARRATOR thinks that if there is an AUTHOR they're letting the CHARACTERS dictate what they SHOULD be doing rather than FORCING EVENTS even if it HURTS the TONE they were aiming for!
NARRATOR thinks it would have been FUNNIER if RATICATE had CAUGHT JOEY and then done the GYM CHALLENGE using JOEY as their MAIN POKéMON than JOEY's TRIP to the UNDERWORLD!
...
...OK, you're not wrong there...
So, why would a HYPOTHETICAL AUTHOR of JOEY's LIFE have let RATICATE choose not to CATCH JOEY or JOEY to CHOOSE to encourage it to KILL THEM to save RATICATE if they were CONTROLLING JOEY and RATICATE's actions?!
...So what you're saying is that if I am being written, the writer's... Putting me into situations and seeing what I do rather than twisting my actions to fit their pre-established agenda?
NARRATOR doesn't KNOW!
NARRATOR thinks they'd need to be as INCOMPETENT as NARRATOR's been feeling for a few weeks now if they weren't doing that!
...Though having met their SELF INSERTS that might just be POSSIBLE!
So... What did they plan for me?
NARRATOR refuses to talk!
I better keep asking questions then, give me some peace and quiet!
RUDE!
RATICATE sent out JOEY!
Location: Forest of the Dead
Love you, Raticate. If this goes to plan, I'll reappear here within a couple of weeks.
RATICATE was expecting JOEY to be more NERVOUS!
Just had a long, fruitful chat with the Narrator. Reaffirmed my belief that I'm in charge of what happens to me, no matter how many gods there are and if they have plans for me.
Which means that if I win or lose is down to me... Well, and to Dave I suppose, but screw him, we beat him once, I can beat him again!
RATICATE used HUG!
Does this mean we're friends again? Properly now?
RATICATE nods!
Awesome. Can't wait to see you in a couple of Battles.
And if I don't? Hyperfang Dave's ankles for me, kay?
RATICATE grins and nods!
SAND REAPER appeared!
Hi there. I hear you've been looking for me.
Sand Reaper: One shall return.
Yes. I know. You keep saying.
Sand Reaper: You are not the one.
Not yet, perhaps, but I will be you big overgrown base evolution.
SAND REAPER used REAP!
JOEY used ACCEPT!
JOEY died!
SAND REAPER dissipated into BLACK MIST!
BLACK MIST disappeared!
Once every 50 battles, a portal between the land of the dead and Sandy Version proper appears to bring one, and only one, back to life. Joey has allowed the Sand Reaper to kill him in the hopes of being able to return to life once more, this time without a manifestation of death hunting him down for cheating the process. But will he be able to defeat Dave without Raticate's help?
Battle 100: Portal Panic
Published: 06/01/24
Location: Sandy Land of the Dead: Portal Plaza
Player: Joey (7-3-0)
...Cool, it worked, I made it and judging by that red tint all around me...
DAVE appeared!
Right on time for the Narrator to adjudicate our rematch.
Dave: You again?!
Yeah. A weird giant Sandshrew was hunting me down because I got smuggled back out last time. Figured beating your ass again would shake it off.
Dave: Cute, but good luck with that.
Huh?
PALM TREE HUSK appeared!
PALM TREE HUSK appeared!
...Oh. Yeah, they were killed when the Sandshrew kept missing me about a year back now... And they're... Between us and where the portal appeared last time, huh...
Dave: Meaning right now one of them would probably return to life rather than one of us.
Well since we're apparently fictional, I figure we'll figure out a way through this.
Dave: Huh. I didn't think the Narrator wanted you to know that.
NARRATOR didn't!
JOEY worked it out themself!
In part thanks to DAVE's BIG MOUTH!
Dave: But it doesn't work that way, kid.
Dave: The author once wrote agonizing deaths to self inserts, don't think you're safe just because you've deluded yourself into thinking you're the main character.
...
Listen, Jerkwad. It was bad enough the first time we met. Stop. Calling. Me. Kid.
Dave: Pipe down, squirt, before the Narrator decides you want to fight and our battle opens a portal with us on the wrong side of those dead palm trees. Let's at least make sure something sapient gets through, even if it's you rather than me.
...
...Kid was better than squirt.
Dave: Too late, squirt.
Why are you such an asshole?
Dave: Because there's nothing else to do here while waiting to get through the portal to resolve the reason I came here besides being an asshole to newcomers and chatting with Veemon.
Who's VEEMON?!
Dave: The fleshless dragon who's currently making flower crowns to pass the time while I try and figure out a way to get past these dead undead palm trees.
What FLESHLESS DRAGON?!
...Probably the one I met last time I was here but you can't see or hear. Take it his skin hasn't regrown, then?
Dave: Not going to unless he biomerges to reset his data. Ideally with his flash at hand but... Getting hold of the book it was turned into feels unlikely. Half of my todo list out there involves setting that up.
If you let me get through I could probably do whatever it is you need to.
Dave: Not happening.
What's the other half?
Dave: Revenge.
On who?
Dave: Our creator.
Bit LATE for that!
Dave: Huh?!
SVWEBMASTER and SVWEBMASTER have--
Dave: There are two of them?! Again?!
...Have been SQUABBLING in a TILDE for most of the past YEAR!
Dave: That... Cannot be a comfortable shape to reside in, even alone...
Said TILDE is currently VERY WELL PROTECTED!
...BEN did a good job on that FOR ONCE!
Oh, quit whining about being caught in a comma. You set up a revenge mechanism in case Ben recalls you.
Dave: ...You're not the first Narrator that's happened to...
PALM TREE HUSK used NOTICE!
PALM TREE HUSK used SPOT!
DAVE and JOEY are OBSERVED!
...I think we're out of time to figure out a plan.
PALM TREE HUSK and PALM TREE HUSK want to fight!
PALM TREE HUSK sent out PALM TREE HUSK!
PALM TREE HUSK sent out PALM TREE HUSK!
DAVE sent out DAVE!
Me, go.
JOEY sent out JOEY!
PALM TREE HUSK used SNARE ROOT!
JOEY's was caught in the snare!
Gah!
DAVE used DRUM!
PALM TREE HUSK was hit by DRUM!
SNARE DRUM broke!
JOEY is released from SNARE!
Cheers.
...Next to PALM TREE HUSK!
...I think...
PALM TREE HUSK used DOUBLE SLAP!
Hit five times!
Ow!
The bark looks half rotten. Bark tear?
JOEY used BARK TEAR!
JOEY skinned PALM TREE HUSK UNDEAD!
...Err I'm going to hit the exposed weak point really hard?
JOEY used WEAK POINT HIT!
JOEY thumped ECTOPLASM inside PALM TREE HUSK!
It's super messy!
Gross. Did it work?
...PALM TREE HUSK used MAX OOZE!
...I kinda noticed. I'm covered in it.
PALM TREE HUSK's special attack rose!
JOEY is in critical condition!
...Great.
PORTAL used OPEN!
DAVE used YANK!
DAVE yanked JOEY away from PALM TREE HUSK before PALM TREE HUSK could finish the job!
Cheers.
DAVE is now closer to PORTAL than JOEY!
...I think...
LASS MARIA appeared!
Lass Maria: Oh... I think that's where the nice dragon in the lillies told me I could get home from.
LASS MARIA used SNEAK!
LASS MARIA snuck past PALM TREE HUSK and PALM TREE HUSK while they were distracted by DAVE and JOEY!
Dave: ...Wait, no!
PORTAL used ACCEPT!
LASS MARIA returned to life!