Last Battle, we saw Joey and Raticate make their way through Sandy Version's Land of the Dead to the portal back to life, only to fight Dave to see who'd make it through the portal, but who actually made it out?
Battle 51: One Has Returned
Published: 24/12/22
Location: Forrest of the Dead
RATICATE appeared!
RATICATE is waiting for PORTAL to OPEN!
RATICATE doesn't know what to expect!
RATICATE is HOPEFUL!
PORTAL used OPEN!
WINNER of BATTLE 50 appeared!
RATICATE glared at NARRATOR!
NARRATOR is DISEMBODIED BIG BOOMING RED TEXT!
It's not very effective!
NARRATOR is waiting for the GLOWY LIGHT to clear before it actually can TELL who APPEARED!
PORTAL used CLOSE!
WINNER of BATTLE 50 was renamed RATICATE!
RATICATE approaches RATICATE cautiously!
Raticate: Rat rat Raticate Raticate?
Raticate: Raticate! Rat rat rat Raticate?
Raticate: ...Raticate...
Raticate: Raticate. Rat rat raticate rat Raticate rat rat raticate!
RATICATE sent out JOEY!
Player: Joey (7-3-0)
NARRATOR is glad to have someone who SPEAKS a HUMAN LANGUAGE in the BATTLE!
JOEY looks around!
Did we... Did you make it?
RATICATE nods excitedly!
RATICATE comes up to JOEY cautiously!
Hey there... Are you the Raticate who helped me save my Raticate?
RATICATE nods slowly
Thanks. Couldn't have saved him without you. And thanks for being here when he came through the portal.
RATICATE tries to clamber up on JOEY's SHOULDER in EXCITEMENT of being ALIVE!
I think you're a bit big for that these days. Take it you're no longer hating me, then?
SAND REAPER appeared!
...Errr... Narrator, could you let us have a nice happy reunion and celebration of beating death before you hit us with a giant Sandshrew in a cloak armed with a... Terrifyingly large... Scythe...
That thing's giving me the heebie jeebies.
NARRATOR has NOTHING to do with this!
Sand Reaper: One shall return.
Yeah, we did that last battle?
Sand Reaper: You are not the one.
...Huh?
SAND REAPER used REAP!
JOEY used DODGE ROLL!
JOEY rolled under DEATH BEAM from REAP!
DEATH BEAM?!
REAP kept going and crashed...
...Into PALM TREE HUSK!
PALM TREE HUSK died!
...An instakill attack that can take out dead Palm Trees?! What the hell?
SAND REAPER starts preparing its next attack!
RATICATE and RATICATE are panicking!
So am I! Was that Dave jerkface destined to come back or something?!
SAND REAPER doesn't seem to notice anyone but JOEY!
No, then it would be going after Raticate as well as me...
...It waited a while after I was sent out before...
SAND REAPER's attack is ready!
Raticate, put me back in my ball!
SAND REAPER used REAP!
RATICATE recalled JOEY!
REAP kept going and crashed...
...Into PALM TREE HUSK!
PALM TREE HUSK died!
SAND REAPER dissipated into BLACK MIST!
BLACK MIST disappeared!
RATICATE sent out JOEY!
Is it... Is it gone?
RATICATE nods nervously
Guess we cheated the system by you catching me and carrying me through the portal, huh?
RATICATE doesn't think this is the time for JOKES!
NARRATOR resents that!
Look, I'm terrified, ok? A Sandshrew manifestation of death seems to be hunting me. Excuse me for making light jokes as a coping mechanism!
RATICATE appologises but is also TERRIFIED!
I think... The first thing to do is figure out the mechanics behind this thing? Narrator, any hints?
NARRATOR knows it OFTEN says this, but this time NARRATOR really has nothing to do with this!
Aren't you like, omniscient or something?
SAND REAPER appeared!
Sand Reaper: One shall return.
Sand Reaper You are not the one.
RATICATE recalled JOEY!
SAND REAPER dissipated into BLACK MIST!
BLACK MIST disappeared!
RATICATE sent out JOEY!
...Ugh. Inconvenient.
Minus those things you couldn't see in the Land of the Dead, I mean...
NARRATOR would appreciate JOEY not RUBBING it in!
I wasn't! I just need to know how I'm going to survive the rest of my life!
NARRATOR doesn't KNOW, OK!
...Wow, no need to snap...
NARRATOR is a little PANICKED itself by there being a BEING it has NO KNOWLEDGE OF with that POWER LEVEL!
...The dragon in the lilies told me you could die, could that thing's reap attack do it?
If NARRATOR knew that it would at least KNOW if it should be SCARED in the ABSTRACT or SCARED for its LIFE!
Not KNOWING is WORSE!
SAND REAPER appeared!
RATICATE recalled JOEY!
SAND REAPER dissipated into BLACK MIST!
BLACK MIST disappeared!
RATICATE sent out JOEY!
...I'm starting to get dizzy...
At least JOEY knows they're in MORTAL PERIL!
Somehow that doesn't help!
It only seems to come out after I've been out of my PokéBall for a little while, at least...
NARRATOR used COUNT!
...10 lines each time!
...I can be out of my PokéBall for ten lines at a time?
That sounds... Incredibly annoying for everyone...
But I think we're about there, so...
RATICATE recalled JOEY!
RATICATE sent out JOEY!
Hopefully that will reset the timer...
RATICATE thinks BEN is SMART!
...The jerkface who defeated me?!
RATICATE and RATICATE look at JOEY!
Hey, I'm not saying he's not smart, the better trainer, or I didn't deserve everything he threw at me, but I still think he's a jerkface.
RATICATE would like BEN to know RATICATE is ALIVE and WELL!
You told him about the plan?
RATICATE hasn't seen BEN since!
RATICATE had to do something BEN wasn't COMFORTABLE with!
See! He's a total jerkface. He encouraged you to either kill or catch me but couldn't help you through the emotional weight of that afterwards! Think it's time.
RATICATE recalled JOEY!
RATICATE sent out JOEY!
RATICATE gently reminds JOEY that JOEY conquered JOHTO to try and win its FAVOUR and then MURDERED it in COLD BLOOD when that INEVITABLY FAILED!
...That was meant to be gentle?! Still, point taken. I'm being a bit of a Rattata calling the Ditto purple here...
Look, I think I owe him and his brother an apology - at least - anyway.
But the jerkface definitely owes his old Raticate an apology. And a hug.
And maybe he'll have a freaking clue how to deal with the literal manifestation of death that's hunting me down, but that seems less likely.
Leave me in the ball this time, Raticate, I'm probably going to throw up if I keep getting fast recalled and sent out like this. Less room for error that way, too.
RATICATE recalled JOEY!
BATTLE ended in a WHIMPER!
Joanne Bloggs, Catherine Fennel, and Solveig Poulsen have circumnavigated the nettle patch that Red and Grant were cutting through in order to acquire a tilde for Team Rocket. But what's taken Red and Grant so long?
Battle 52: Delaying Tactics
Published: 31/12/22
Location: Nettlemouth Cave (Exterior)
Player: Joanne Bloggs (4-2-2)
We've been waiting here for ages and I still can't get over that a random cave in the middle of nowhere with a large nettle patch in front of it is where something powerful enough to capture a god is located...
Solveig Poulsen: It doesn't look like there's any cultural or geographic significance to the cave. It's just... There.
Catherine Fennel: I wasn't expecting it to take this long for them to catch up with us...
...Did the two of them get lost in the giant nettle patch or something?
NARRATOR has been having FUN delaying them!
...What did you do.
ROCKET RED appeared!
ROCKET GRANT appeared!
Rocket Grant: I... I think we lost it...
Rocket Red: ...
GRANT and RED used CATCH!
GRANT and RED collapsed on GROUND while trying to CATCH their BREATH!
DYNAMAX NETTELLA appeared!
Rocket Grant: Aaaaaaaaaaah!
Rocket Red: ...
...What the hell is that.
NARRATOR has been having FUN delaying them!
...That... Really doesn't answer the question.
NETTELLA is a REGIONAL VARIANT of TANGELLA!
From what region?!
...How should NARRATOR know that?!
NARRATOR made it up as it WENT ALONG!
...You made up... A stinging nettle tentacle monster... as you went along?
A 50 FOOT STINGING NETTLE TENTACLE MONSTER!
...Yeah I kind of got the fact it was ludicrously large...
DYNAMAX NETTELLA wants to fight!
Are you serious right now?
NARRATOR is!
Catherine Fennel: How many players are Dynamax battles again?
FOUR!
Rocket Grant: Just let me get...
GRANT used STAND!
It's not very effective!
GRANT is unable to battle!
...
Rocket Red: ...
RED used STAND!
It's super effective!
RED temporarily allied with JOANNE, CATHERINE, and SOLVEIG!
Since this is a DYNAMAX BATTLE COMBATANTS are limited to ONE POKéMON each!
RED sent out ROBIN!
CATHERINE sent out TORCHIC!
SOLVEIG sent out X-WING!
Err... Neither of my Pokémon are exactly well suited to this... Gah... Phone, I guess, at least that's not a water type?
JOANNE sent out PHONE!
Phone, try calling for help?
PHONE used CALL!
No signal!
...Yeah I guess we are a ways away from any path, beaten or otherwise...
TORCHIC used EMBER!
TORCHIC burnt DYNAMAX NETTELLA!
Its super EMBERassing!
Catherine Fennel: Close enough...
X-WING used LOGIC!
There's nothing LOGICAL about any of this!
Attack failed!
Solveig Poulsen: ...I really need to come to terms with the fact the Narrator thinks this sudoku technique is a small spaceship...
ROBIN used PECK!
ROBIN gave NETTELLA a PECK on the CHEEK!
No effect on battle!
Rocket Red: ...
DYNAMAX NETTELLA used WRAP!
TORCHIC was caught in a TENTACLE!
TORCHIC was poisoned by the STING!
DYNAMAX NETTELLA was hurt by the BURN!
Try flash photography.
PHONE used FLASH PHOTOGRAPHY!
PHOTO was OVEREXPOSED due to EXCESSIVE LIGHT!
DYNAMAX NETTELLA's morale fell!
I guess that might help...
DYNAMAX NETTELLA used STINGING TEARS!
DYNAMAX NETTELLA is HIGHER TIER than every other POKéMON in the BATTLE!
...Mostly because of the SIZE ADVANTAGE!
RELATIVE TIERS stung TORCHIC, X-WING, ROBIN and PHONE!
DYNAMAX NETTELLA was hurt by the burn!
TORCHIC used FLAME THROWER!
DYNAMAX NETTELLA caught fire!
TORCHIC was hurt by the poison!
TORCHIC took damage from the WRAP!
Catherine Fennel: Hang in there!
ROBIN used GUST OF WIND!
ROBIN farted!
Rocket Red: ...
Solveig Poulsen: While something that large is on fire? X-Wing, quick. Fly.
X-WING used FLY!
X-WING flew up high!
METHANE EXPLOSION appeared!
TORCHIC fainted!
ROBIN fainted!
PHONE fainted!
X-WING avoided the attack!
DYNAMAX NETTELLA is in critical condition!
SOLVEIG was badly SINGED!
JOANNE was badly SINGED!
CATHERINE was badly SINGED!
RED was badly SINGED!
GRANT was badly SINGED!
Rocket Grant: I'm not even participating in this battle!
Would GRANT prefer to faint instead?!
Rocket Grant: I'll be good.
METHANE EXPLOSION disappeared!
X-WING used FLY!
X-WING did a CLOSE RUN of DYNAMAX NETTELLA!
DYNAMAX NETTELLA fainted!
DYNAMAX NETTELLA returned to regular size!
SOLVEIG recalled X-WING!
Well, that was exhausting. I'm not sure any of us are in any state to battle right now.
BATTLE attempted to use CLIFFHANGER!
But BATTLE is next to a CAVE, not a CLIFF!
BATTLE used CAVE HANGER instead!
BATTLE was renamed ZUBAT!
ZUBAT flew away!
Joanne, Solveig, Catherine, Red and Greg were singed while battling against a Dynamax Pokémon, meaning they decided to delay their battle. The Narrator is starting to get a little antsy.
Battle 53: Battle For The Tilde
Published: 07/01/23
Location: Nettlemouth Cave (Exterior)
Player: Joanne Bloggs 5-2-2
How did a kid who should be in college, tops, and a freaking ten year old get involved with the mob, anyway?
Rocket Red: ...
Catherine Fennel: Protagonist type. Not going to get a straight answer out of him. Or any sort of answer, for that matter.
Rocket Grant: Nominative Determinism in my case - Grant's too close to Grunt.
Solveig Poulsen: You could always get a name change...
Are you FIVE recovered?!
We probably better get on with things, keep the annoying god who controls causality happy, in case it decides to unleash another ludicrously large Pokémon on us.
...NARRATOR could probably ANIMATE the CAVE MOUTH, that might create a NOVEL BATTLE!
Yup. Definitely. Time to battle each other now. Everyone had time for their Pokémon to fully recover?
Rocket Red: ...
Rocket Grant: What I'm pretty sure he wants to point out is that three on two is hardly fair.
Tough cookies, the Narrator seems antsy about Team Rocket's plans succeeding, and that's enough of a reason for me to be far too terrified of whatever you're up to, to play fair.
Even if we're up against freaking children.
Rocket Grant: We've just been sent to pick up a piece of punctuation and given specific instructions on how to carry it, I swear!
Yeah. Have you thought about why you're not being fed the details?
Rocket Red: ...
Rocket Grant: ...What he didn't say...
Thought not.
ROCKET RED and ROCKET GRANT want to fight!
CATHERINE and SOLVEIG want to help!
Bubble Tea, go.
JOANNE sent out BUBBLE TEA!
CATHERINE sent out SASSIE!
SOLVEIG sent out X-WING!
RED sent out ROBIN!
GRANT sent out ZUBAT!
Bubble Team.
BUBBLE TEA used BUBBLE TEAM!
BUBBLE TEA gained additional BUBBLES for its TEAM!
BUBBLE BUBBLE BUBBLE TEA's evasion greatly rose!
ROBIN used PECK!
BUBBLE BUBBLE BUBBLE TEA's BUBBLE BURST!
BUBBLE BUBBLE TEA's evasion dropped!
SASSIE used SAND BEAM!
SASSIE is gathering SAND!
ZUBAT used VENOSHOCK!
Somewhere a VENOSAUR was SHOCKED!
No effect on this battle!
NARRATOR is pretty sure a RANDOM KID is going to fail to win a BADGE due to that!
X-WING used SCAN!
X-WING knows the WEAKNESSES of ROBIN!
Is X-Wing going to fill us all in?
Mostly BADLY WRITTEN COMICS!
But also it's a FLYING TYPE!
OK, Bubble Bubble Tea, now you've got double the bubbles, try some toil and trouble.
BUBBLE BUBBLE TEA used SHAKESPEARE MISQUOTE!
That isn't a misquote.
The line is DOUBLE DOUBLE TOIL and TROUBLE not BUBBLE BUBBLE TOIL and TROUBLE!
NARRATOR would have had it USE that attack against PHONE in the BATTLE you CAUGHT it if the line was BUBBLE BUBBLE TOIL and TROUBLE!
Why do you think I specified that now its bubbles are doubled it should use the attack? Now it's double, not now it's bubble.
...
BUBBLE BUBBLE TEA used TOIL and TROUBLE!
BUBBLE BUBBLE TEA TOILS to give DOUBLE DOUBLE TROUBLE to TEAM ROCKET!
VENOSAUR's paralized! It may not attack!
Huh?
NARRATOR just thought the folk in this BATTLE might want to know the impact the SHOCK had on the RANDOM KID's attempt to win a BADGE!
...Uhh... Right...
ROBIN acquired COPY of DOUBLE TROUBLE by ROCKET JESSIE and ROCKET JAMES!
ROBIN used LISTEN!
It's super terrible!
ROBIN fainted!
Rocket Red: ...
RED sent out RED!
SASSIE used SAND BEAM!
ZUBAT was SANDBLASTED!
Huh? ZUBAT is evolving!
ZUBAT evolved into SMOOTHBAT!
Rocket Grant: ...That's... Unnervingly smooth...
GRANT used CRAM!
GRANT is furiously checking SMOOTHBAT's moveset!
SMOOTHBAT used REFLECT!
SMOOTHBAT REFLECTED on how much it now resembles INORGANIC MATTER!
SMOOTHBAT thinks it should be considered STEEL TYPE!
SMOOTHBAT is now POISON/FLYING/STEEL!
X-WING used SHOOT!
X-WING shot LASER CANONS!
SMOOTHBAT bled NUMBERS!
...No repeated digits!
Solveig Poulsen: Well of course not, the entire point of the exercise is to not repeat digits in rows, columns, or boxes.
SMOOTHBAT fainted!
GRANT sent out GRANT!
You're both out of Pokémon. You've been outnumbered three to two from the start. Accept the loss already.
Rocket Red: ...
VENOSAUR fainted!
That was RANDOM KID's final POKéMON!
OFFICIAL LEAGUE matches don't let TRAINERS send themselves out!
NARRATOR hopes ROCKET GRANT is HAPPY with causing RANDOM KID a GYM BADGE loss!
Rocket Grant: I can't help but think that's more on you than on me.
Details shmetails!
...
Rocket Red: ...
JOANNE used SLIP!
JOANNE quietly SLIPPED RED a BUSINESS CARD!
Rocket Red: ...
Rocket Grant: Yeah, I think you're right, we can't win this...
ROCKET RED and ROCKET GRANT ran away!
JOANNE used ENTER!
Location: Nettlemouth Cave (Interior)
JOANNE BLOGGS appeared!
SOLVEIG POULSEN appeared!
CATHERINE FENNEL appeared!
Catherine Fennel: ...It... Really is just a tilde sitting there.
Solveig Poulsen: Really weird to see like that, all three dimensional rather than just in text. We... Can't sit here and guard it for the rest of our lives, so we probably should take it with us to analyze. See if there's anything in it...
Sure. Yeah.
JOANNE used CARRY!
JOANNE picked up the TILDE!
JOANNE lacks PROTAGONIST GRADE PLOT ARMOR!
TILDE reacted to JOANNE!
SVWEBMASTER was released!
...Oh joy!
TILDE fell to the ground!
DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW BAD FOR THE BACK LYING IN A TILDE FOR OVER A YE--
...Wait. He's not here. Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
...Err...
...Have any of you three ladies seen... Well... Me but twenty years younger, I suppose would be the best description of who I'm looking for?
You but twenty years younger?
Yes, that's the best description of who I'm looking for.
As in... Your brother? Your son?
Neither. Me. Twenty years younger. Not sure how, but... There I was. Catching me with a tilde.
...Yeah, no. Not a clue. Any idea why the Narrator was scared of Team Rocket getting hold of you?
Probably because I created this Narrator and let it run the version for so long without any input.
...This... Narrator... There are more of them?
There used to be lots more of them. Now there are only a couple. At least, only a couple which are... Active, shall we say?
One is more than enough.
One is more than...?
Oh! No, no. There's only one living Narrator in Sandy Version.
...There are other versions?
Solveig Poulsen: Multiverse theory postulates that every time a link cable is used it's transferring Pokémon between parallel universes... Maybe that?
Hm... If he's me, maybe I'm in my old tower... Been forever since I've been inside my own version, though... And it's probably changed a lot since I was last here. Narrator, where's my tower?
NARRATOR is FORBIDDEN from RELATING the POSITION of SVWEBMASTER's TOWER!
Oh? And who forbade you?
SVWEBMASTER forbade NARRATOR!
And who am I?
SVWEBMASTER is SVWEBMASTER!
Ergo I can tell you that you're no longer forbidden from telling me, and specifically me, where my tower is.
NARRATOR supposes!
Excellent. Lead the way, then.
NARRATOR is INCORPOREAL!
NARRATOR is OMNIPRESENT!
NARRATOR isn't sure how to LEAD anyone anywhere given both of those things!
Just stick one of those handy dandy navigation arrows from driving games that only I can see two feet in front of my face or something.
NARRATOR does just that!
Pleasure to meet you, ladies. Say hi to Dave if you see him for me, I'm sure he's still running around somewhere...
SVWebmaster power walked away!
Catherine Fennel: I... Who the hell was that?
Solveig Poulsen: ...A being powerful enough to create the Narrator, I guess?
Catherine Fennel: Well, Team Rocket seem to have failed to acquire him, so... I guess we won?
Solveig Poulsen: I... Guess so. And it wraps up the mysteries I was investigating too. Not exactly the style of victory I was expecting, mind.
You two go ahead, I need to... Clear my head. As alone as possible.
Catherine Fennel: ...
Catherine Fennel: Sure thing, honey. We'll be waiting outside. If you need us, just shout.
SOLVEIG and CATHERINE left the CAVE!
...So that weirdo is a god more powerful than yourself, huh?
NARRATOR is not PERMITTED to SAY!
Even to those of us for whom the cat's already out of the bag?
...
Fine. Just listen. Team Rocket failed to acquire him, and he said there's a second one of him running around?
...
...How powerful are tildes, anyway?
NARRATOR is not PER--
Mitted to say. Yeah. OK.
Hypothetically, if someone were to, I don't know, catch a god identical to another god while both were in the same place, in a hypothetical PokéBall powerful enough to catch a god, what would happen?
HYPOTHETICALLY?!
Hypothetically.
The TIL-- The HYPOTHETICAL POKéBALL would catch the ONE GOD twice over if the TWO GODS really were the SAME GOD!
I see. Interesting. Cheers.
JOANNE picked up the TILDE!
...I... I think I owe it to Ben to let him know what's going on first.
NARRATOR doesn't think that will be NECESSARY!
I don't know what the specifics are between you two, but he seems like a decent kid who's just a bit out of his depth after the universe's causality engine tried to lay chosen one nonsense on his feet and understandably freaked out about it.
I just think he deserves to know that he no longer needs to worry about Team Rocket catching a god, and... That there are two of them running around, and I have a plan to deal with them.
And I'm guessing you're not permitted to tell him about it any more than you're permitted to tell me.
Is there a REASON you wanted to have this CONVERSATION in PRIVATE!
Yeah. I don't want Solveig and especially Catherine involved in what comes next. They both seem to think this is over, and it probably should be because what I'm planning is ludicrously risky, but...
Look, you know I hate you, right?
One god who can screw my life over is already one too many. Three, two of which more powerful than the one I'm talking to cannot be permitted to exist.
And look here, I seem to have acquired a tool to do something about the two more powerful ones and... I just have to tolerate your existence for anything to happen in the universe, ever.
So... So work with me on this, ok?
Because I get the impression you want those two gone as much as I do.
NARRATOR... Will do what it can!
Raticate and Raticate, along with Joey in a PokéBall, have decided to see Ben on the off chance he has a clue what they can do about the Sand Reaper. We join Ben while he's feeding both his and Jacob's Pokémon.
Battle 54: Reunion
Published: 14/01/23
Location: Ben's Kitchen
Player: Youngster Ben (5-2-3)
Settle down, Grindstone. I'll pass you the kitchen knives to sharpen so you can eat the filings just as soon as I'm done sorting out Butterfree's nectar.
Grindstone jumps for joy!
Hah. Great seeing you so happy.
KNOCK appeared!
Huh, better get that, I suppose. Door, could you open up so I can open the actual door?
DOOR used OPEN!
BEN opened the OTHER DOOR!
RATICATE and RATICATE appeared!
Don't make me go through the IAN nonsense again.
BEN tapped at their necklace!
There are TWO RATICATE, both called RATICATE, at the DOOR!
Raticate... Is... That you?
RATICATE nods!
I've missed you, buddy.
BEN glances at POKéMON in the KITCHEN!
Let's chat outside, I think we're probably going to want to talk in relative quiet.
Location: Ben's Garden
BEN used CLOSE!
BEN closed DOOR behind them!
I... Don't know if I want you to tell me how you... Dealt with... Joey or not, but I do want to give you a hug in thanks for dealing with him, however you did.
BEN used HUG!
It's super adorable!
RATICATE thinks it's complicated
...Huh. Who's your friend, anyway?
Or is it your mate?
RATICATE thinks that's complicated too!
...Complicated, how?
RATICATE thinks this would be EASIER to EXPLAIN without going through NARRATOR for TRANSLATION!
NARRATOR agrees
RATICATE tells RATICATE to do it!
...Do what?
RATICATE sent out JOEY!
...Wait, why does the other Ratic--
Joey: Look I know you hate me but this is going to suck more the longer it takes.
Joey: Firstly I want you to know I'm sorry, but I know nothing I can say would really make up to either you or your brother.
Err... OK, was--
Joey: Shut it until I'm finished. Trust me on this. Secondly, you're a jerkface making your Raticate make that choice about me and not being there to help him after he'd made it.
RATICATE spots BUTTERFREE through WINDOW!
RATICATE and BUTTERFREE start to have CHAT via WINDOW!
Joey: Your Raticate, as it happens, didn't want to make either decision. I had to convince him to kill me so I could rescue my Raticate from the Land of the Dead, which... Yeah, sounds ridiculous, I know, but that's why I'm now my Raticate's Pokémon since he caught me before we came through the portal.
Joey: Which is the other reason the three of us are here. Turns out Death doesn't like cheaters, and since only one is meant to be able to return to life, whenever I'm out of my PokéBall I'm hunted and we were kind of hoping you could maybe figure out a solution?
...That's... A lot to take in...
SAND REAPER appeared!
What the hell is that?!
Sand Reaper: One shall return.
Joey: Crud, the three of us lost track of the number of lines. Raticate?
Sand Reaper: You are not the one.
RATICATE used PANICKED FUMBLE!
RATICATE dropped JOEY's POKéBALL!
SAND REAPER used REAP!
Joey: The relative positions... CRUD!
JOEY used FLYING TACKLE LEAP!
JOEY KNOCKED BEN to the GROUND!
DEATH BEAM from REAP flew over JOEY and BEN!
REAP kept going and crashed...
Into PETUNIAS!
PETUNIAS died!
OK, we have got to stop winding up in a heap together like this all the time.
BUT ALSO WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!
Joey: That's what's been hunting me down since I came back from the dead.
Joey: Fortunately that seems to be its only attack, and it's easy to dodge if you're alert.
SAND REAPER readies its next attack!
RATICATE manages to RECOVER the POKéBALL!
RATICATE recalled JOEY!
SAND REAPER dissipated into BLACK MIST!
BLACK MIST disappeared!
So it can only manifest when Joey's out of his PokéBall?
RATICATE nods!
RATICATE sent--
Not yet. I want to know what the deal is before I unleash the Grim Sandshrew on anyone again. Even Joey.
Narrator, cough up everything you know.
BEN used FIDDLE!
BEN fiddled with their NECKLACE!
NARRATOR coughs nervously!
Forbidden?
Not really FORBIDDEN so much as not much INFO to GIVE!
That thing appears TEN LINES after JOEY leaves their POKéBALL and disappears as soon as they get sent back into it!
NARRATOR has ZERO influence on the SAND REAPER!
NARRATOR is also UNSURE if the REAP attack could kill NARRATOR!
...Wait, you can die?
NARRATOR doesn't like talking about it!
...Raticate, I... As much as I hate to admit that Joey's right about anything...
I think he was probably right about it being a jerk move to make you deal with that alone, after giving you the responsibility.
RATICATE used HUG!
RATICATE gave BEN a huge HUG!
So why'd you think I'd be able to do anything about Joey being hunted by death, anyhow?
RATICATE thinks BEN is SMART and AWESOME!
...Nah, I'm just sometimes in the right place at the right time.
OK, let's all keep a better eye on the length of the conversation than last time. Send him out.
RATICATE sent out JOEY!
My turn to talk. The Narrator explained the rest of the situation. I apologised to Ratticate and he seemed to forgive me.
I don't know how I can help your current situation, and frankly, the idea that you're being hunted by something that might be able to kill the Narrator is even more terrifying than the fact Narrator's currently scared of some sort of god that can be trapped in a tilde.
My brother... Is probably not ok seeing you right now. He's doing better, but... You need to leave before he gets back.
JOEY nods!
...What's... What's it like, being dead?
Joey: Well there are things the Narrator can't see in the Land of the Dead on the one time it is there, you can do things without the Narrator's presence, which... Weird to get used to, but kind of cool. The rivers are frankly bizarre - One's of sticks, one's of leaves, I think there are another three I never reached.
Joey: I probably better be off, don't want to push it close. Raticate, call me back. And, Ben? If you're willing... I'd like to keep in touch? At least once I figure out how to shake off the Sand Reaper for good. I doubt we'll ever be friends, but... I want to try and make things up to you.
RATTICATE recalled JOEY!
...You know, I don't think I'd hate that...
Raticate, it's up to you if you stay here or travel with Raticate and Joey. But I think they could use all the help they can get right about now, so as much as I'd like you to stay here...
RATICATE nodes!
...Let's keep in touch, though. Narrator, make sure my old Raticate gets hold of a phone with my number.
BEN used NECKLACE TAP!
...Fine!
RATICATE gives BEN a HUG before leaving with RATICATE!
So... Narrator.
...Hm?!
You're as mortal as the rest of us, huh?
AS is a bit STRONG!
Fair. And what's this I hear about things being able to happen without your presence?
NARRATOR is unaware of things OUTSIDE of its PRESENCE so couldn't possibly CONFIRM or DENY that!
...Is that evasiveness, or is that an admission you don't know?
BEN used RUB!
BEN RUBBED their NECKLACE!
...NARRATOR suspects it's TRUE but doesn't actually KNOW!
...So bit of both, ok. Fine. Bad habits die hard, I get it. I'm going to go back inside to finish feeding the Pokémon, ok?
In the months since they first encountered each other on opposite sides of the battlefield before a stray hydro pump led to an explosive conclusion of the battle, Sean and Cecil have decided to work together.
Battle 55: Hobby Horse
Published: 21/01/23
Location: Classical Monster Preserve - Ye Olde Tavern
Player: Sentry Sean (0-0-1)
Come on, mate. Will you please rent a room already so I can guard it?
Centaur Cecil: You never allow me the honour of doing any guard shifts when we're in the field, and now you insist on guarding me while we're in a safe tavern with private quarters? Must you be this paranoid about my safety?
It's nothing personal, mate. I'm a Sentry. Guarding stuff is what I do. If I was with company and didn't stand guard over them, my life would lack meaning.
Centaur Cecil: Then we must commence a sidequest to running down any and all interlopers into these lands post haste!
What are you on about, mate?
Centaur Cecil: We must not rest until we find you... A hobby.
It's no use, mate. My folks tried it when I'd stand guard over my stuffed Pokémon all night instead of sleeping.
Centaur Cecil: I have never backed down from a challenge in my entire life.
Scene: Hobby Montage
Hobby: Bridge
CECIL used 1NT!
WEST used PASS!
Mate, I can't let you pass over this bridge like that. I need to see some identification first.
BRIDGE fainted!
Hobby: Graffiti
Centaur Cecil: I have acquired spray paint. Now we just need to add our mark to this public landmark.
Sounds like a plan, mate. I'll stand lookout while you tag it.
Centaur Cecil: On reflection, I really should have seen that one coming.
GRAFFITI fainted!
Hobby: Gardening
GUARDS IAN appeared!
A, mate, how's the kids? I, haven't seen you since the conference two years back last year. N... Didn't we do a shift at a vault together just out of training?
GUARD A's kids are fine!
GUARD I expresses regrets at not making last year's CONFERENCE!
GUARD N is impressed by SEAN's evolution from a GUARD into a SENTRY!
Centaur Cecil: I do not fully understand why you are talking to three distinct entities when the Narrator clearly Narrated a single Guard called Ian appearing.
...No!
NARRATOR is not doing THAT again!
HOBBY MONTAGE fainted!
Location: Classical Monster Preserve - Ye Olde Tavern
See what I mean, mate? I try and engage in hobbies and something brings out my urge to guard and it just takes over.
Centaur Cecil: Perhaps instead of attempting to find you something to do aside from guarding things, we could instead expand your mind's definition of guarding?
What the hell are you on about?
Centaur Cecil: Could we not define good, proper, journalism as guarding the truth agaisnt the lies of the powerful? Parenting as finding a balance between guarding your offspring against the harms that a curious mind can stumble across in the world while also guarding said mind against decay caused by not being permitted room to explore?
...OK, I... I kind of get what you mean, mate, but I'm hardly able to do journalism and for the parent thing to happen, I'd need to first, you know, not guard someone I like for long enough to get physically intimate with them?
Centaur Cecil: I, for one, feel protected - feel guarded - when someone I have a close emotional bond with spoons me. And I'm sure there are more active activities we could distort into a meaning of guarding.
...Mate? Are you...?
Centaur Cecil: I was only half joking with what I said when we first met after you suddenly mounted me, and we have certainly bonded over these months. If you are willing to engage in that way with a stallion such as I, I anticipate finding your company most pleasurable.
...Oh, mate...
That sounds... Nice...
In that case, mate, will you book a room already so I can guard you?