Yolk Isle being a small community lacks certain facilities, and so the accommodations for a dangerous prisoner who wants to eat the majority of the population of the floating island needed to be improvised. Poacher A vocally objected to their... Hospitality.
Battle 56: Clouded Decisions
Published: 28/01/23
Location: Scramble's Living Room
Player: Poacher A (0-1-1)
Mmmph.
NARRATOR really doesn't see why the GAG is necessary!
Mmmph!
POACHER A agrees!
Scramble: Really? I had to subscribe to a very good dictionary to keep up with all the colourful language he's been yelling at me since I revived him.
NARRATOR would REALLY prefer POACHER A be able to TALK for the next... HALF HOUR or so!
Mmmph!
POACHER A would prefer LONGER!
Scramble: And I'd prefer not to be cussed out while I'm trying to read.
...Mmmph!
Scramble: ...Was that Poacher A saying he'll stop?
...POACHER A yelled a WORD not fit for PG FILMS into the GAG!
Scramble: And that's exactly why I gagged him.
NARRATOR will be able to KEEP their language CLEAN!
Mmmph.
Scramble: ...Fine. But if it starts looking like you're failing, I'm finding something else to use as a gag.
NARRATOR used RSACi-IN-A-CAN!
RSACi CLOUD appeared!
Scramble: Why's there a storm cloud in my living room?
STORM CLOUD is a CREATURE of LEGEND!
NARRATOR isn't much of a FAN but NEEDS MUST!
SCRAMBLE removed POACHER A's GAG!
GAG was renamed DIRTY SOCK!
Do some @!#?@! laundry next time you're going to imrpovise a @!#?@! gag!
RSACi CLOUD appears to be working!
Scramble: ...Yeah I'm still going to find some dirty briefs to replace the sock if it's just bleeping the cussing.
RSACi CLOUD used THUNDER!
POACHER A was POACHED with LIGHTNING!
...What the hell?!
RSACi CLOUD doesn't think POACHER A has learnt their LESSON yet!
RSACi CLOUD used THUNDERBOLT!
POACHER A is paralysed, it may not attack!
What did I say that time?!
RSACi CLOUD even considers LUDICROUSLY MILD language such as HELL to be WORTHY of PUNISHMENT even if not BLEEPING!
RSACi CLOUD used THUNDERBOLT!
I didn't say anything!
...On NARRATOR!
RSACi CLOUD's attack missed!
COFFEE TABLE fainted!
Scramble: ...That took months to make!
...Heh... Maybe if I trick the Narrator into swearing a bit I can get Scramble to let me go from the collateral damage.
RSACi CLOUD used NUZZLE!
POACHER A was NUZZLED with ELECTRICITY!
I didn't even say anything that might qualify as cussing that time!
NARRATOR thinks it might have been the WORD AFTER COLLATERAL!
RSACi CLOUD is from the OLD INTERNET and therefore SUFFERS the S@!#?@!HORPE PROBLEM, and DAM and DAMN are HOMONYMS!
RSACi CLOUD used ZAP CANNON!
...On NARRATOR!
RSACi CLOUD's attack missed!
TELEVISION was FULLY ZAPPED with a CANNON!
TELEVISION fainted!
Scramble: Put it back before it destroys my home!
NARRATOR used WEATHER CONTROL!
It doesn't affect RSACi CLOUD!
...Oh right!
NARRATOR forgot how STRONG RSACi CLOUDS were!
...This would be priceless if I weren't tied up and unable to leave.
NARRATOR thinks that they might DISSIPATE NATURALLY if the SOURCE of the SWEARING that SUMMONED it either LEAVES or FAINTS!
...Well I'm a little tied up right now.
...Most coarse rope I've ever seen I swear you picked it out specifically to @!#?@! hurt. I'm a professional Poacher and I wouldn't even use rope this rough on my quarry.
...Oh @!#?@! I let a @!#?@! slip didn't I?
RSACi CLOUD used THUNDER!
POACHER A was fully SHOCKED!
Scramble: Well at least I'm not the only one suffering here.
RSACi CLOUD used THUNDER!
RSACi CLOUD's attack missed!
Scramble: ...SERIOUSLY?!
90% accuracy!
It happens sometimes!
...On the PLUS side, it didn't destroy any of SCRAMBLE's STUFF!
Scramble: Well that's a relief.
...Because it hit SCRAMBLE!
SCRAMBLE wants to fight!
RSACi CLOUD used HAIL!
Ow! What the hell's that for!
RSACi CLOUD used THUNDERBOLT!
POACHER A needs to learn to keep their MOUTH BOLTED SHUT!
Yeah. Getting that impression.
NARRATOR doesn't know!
NARRATOR double checks the can!
...Oops!
Oops?
NARRATOR accidentally got a CANNED RSACi CLOUD set to VIOLENCE as well as LANGUAGE!
How are we meant to resolve our conflict without fighting each other?!
Not that I'd have had much of a chance considering he tied me up while I was @!#?@! unconscious after our last battle!
RSACi CLOUD used THUNDER!
BOLTS of LIGHTNING are VERY VERY FRIGHTENING!
...Except to POACHER A, APPARENTLY, considering they HAVEN'T caused them to STOP CUSSING yet!
NARRATOR checks VIOLENCE CATEGORY!
...Hm...
NARRATOR thinks it would be a DAMN SHAME if POACHER A keeps SWEARING!
Scramble: Why are you deliberately provoking it?
RSACi CLOUD used THUNDERBOLT!
...On NARRATOR!
RSACi CLOUD's attack missed!
DISPLAY SHELF fainted!
...HORRIFYING CRASH appeared!
Scramble: ...My good china...
NARRATOR points out that DAMAGE TO OBJECTS is LEVEL 1 VIOLENCE alongside FIGHTING and RSACi CLOUD just caused that!
RSACi CLOUD used THUNDERBOLT!
...On NARRATOR!
RSACi CLOUD's attack missed!
BOOKSHELF fainted!
RSACi CLOUD used RAINDANCE!
It started to rain!
...Narrator we're indoors and this is very heavy rain.
And might I remind you that I'm @!#?@! tied up here?!
RSACi CLOUD used THUD!
Thud?!
NARRATOR thinks it was aiming for a THUNDER but is running out of POWER due to releasing MOISTURE!
RSACi CLOUD landed on POACHER A with a THUD!
Ow.
RSACi CLOUD fainted from the landing!
NARRATOR STUFFED RSACi CLOUD back into its CAN!
NARRATOR CHUCKS all RSACi CLOUD CANS in SANDY VERSION into HOWLING VOID!
I refuse to ask what that is.
RAIN subsided!
Scramble: I'm knee deep in water... Half the living room was already trashed...
PROPERTY DAMAGE is through the ROOF!
Come on, Narrator. You know you want to.
ROOF fainted!
Scramble: ...
YES!
...On POACHER A!
POACHER A fainted!
Having been released from the Tilde, SVWebmaster has made their way to their old tower, where they intend to confront SVWebmaster to reclaim control of their version.
Battle 57: Sand and Sand Some More
Published: 04/02/23
Location: SVWebmaster's Tower
Why does it feel like something's gotten out of my control?
When has SVWEBMASTER ever been IN CONTROL?!
I planned the first arc villain in advance!
That went OFF SCRIPT when JOEY and RATTATA fell out in BATTLE 1 and you KNOW it!
I could destroy you and create a more obedient Narrator, you know.
...Maybe an evil Narrator so that the Narrator acts as the villain for a while...
Wait, no, I did that before, didn't I?
MOST of CLASSIC SANDY's ARC VILLAINS were NARRATORS!
SVWEBMASTER appeared!
Yes, I know, I'm right here.
It means me.
Huh? I didn't say that.
That's because I did.
Oh goddamnit, you escaped from your tilde?
Could you at least change font colours so we have a clue which of us is talking?
SVWEBMASTER is confused!
Don't.
Aww!
NARRATOR barely ever gets to do a CONFUSION GAG!
Everyone gets too GENRE SAVVY to express CONFUSION by the time they turn 5!
One of us should clearly change, you're right, but why should it be me?
Well, I'm the original, so clearly it should be you.
Oh, please. I'm you but older! How are we in the same time at once, anyway?
I escaped from a crack made in Amber when Hiber was working on Foxfire's historical archives.
So you're a clone of my younger self made by a quirk of how the Internet Archive operates rather than actually being the original!
I've always had this font colour!
So have I.
Toss for it?
This is a family friendly website.
...That's not what I meant and you know it.
NARRATOR has had to NARRATE a YOUNGSTER MURDERING its POKéMON, a PRESCHOOLER dying of EXPOSURE, and a YOUNGSTER being killed by a POKéMON at their own REQUEST!
Not to mention the ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE complete with CRACKING SKULLS happening in a RANDOM OFFICE that NARRATOR keeps having to INCREASE the SIZE of as SOLUTIONS keep FAILING!
HOW is that FAMILY FRIENDLY?!
Was there blood?
NARRATOR is not in CONTROL of READERS' IMAGINATIONS!
NARRATOR has no CLUE if there was BLOOD or NOT!
So you didn't narrate the presence of blood?
Well, NO!
So it was more family friendly than a literal children's cartoon, then.
...Animals of Farthing Wood?
Yeah, I meant the baby fieldmice. Though Watership Down got a U and is far better animated, meaning the gore sells better...
...NARRATOR isn't sure THOSE are good BENCHMARKS for what is and isn't FAMILY FRIENDLY!
You know, fine. Narrator, if you make me the player, will I still have my Webmaster powers?
For the BENEFIT of READERS, sure!
Player: SVWebmaster ([ERROR: UNDEFINED])
OK, so... Wait is that a package?
Oh, that? Yeah. It came through a portal from Foxfire back in July so I didn't open it.
Wait, why not?
Well, they had a whole Doompuff thing going on at one point, so I thought it would be too much of a risk to open it.
...Every version has a Doompuff ripoff or two...
No... No... Original, Aqua flavour, Doompuff.
...Huh.
Anyway, I'm sure if there was a Doompuff in the box, it would have killed the box by now.
...You open it, then.
You want me to open your mail?
It's your mail too.
You had me trapped in a tilde when it arrived, it's clearly your mail.
If having an unmarked package unopened is bothering you so much, you should be the one to open it.
...Fine.
Hm... Feels like we're transmitting. This going up online as a battle, then?
Yes!
OK, let's do this properly...
Hey guys! It's SVWebmaster here, and we've got some exciting fanmail to open! Before we do that, though, don't forget to like, comment and subscribe, and also feel free to ring the notification bell to make su--
What the hell are you blathering on about?!
Oh, this is just how people open mail when broadcasting to the internet these days.
...Pardon.
...Unboxing videos. It's a whole thing.
Online video?
...Oh cripes, you're before YouTube aren't you?
YouTube?
OK. Right. You know how when Jason tried to make that D&D sitcom he had to use BitTorrent to distribute the pilot?
Yeah?
YouTube is a video hosting platform that hosts videos in a way that lets you watch them without downloading them first meaning that's no longer needed.
And... People opening their mail is something there's an audience for?
Both fanmail videos generally, and specific product unboxings, yeah. Along with life updates, videos of people playing games, 10 minute tutorial videos for things that could be communicated in a single sentence of text, and of course, multiple hour video essays on ludicrously narrow topics.
...The future sounds ridiculous.
...wait until you learn about NFTs...
What's an NFT?
...No. No. I am not even attempting to explain the complete BS that are NFTs to someone who's pre-YouTube.
You had me trapped in a tilde and were running around in my place for over a year, how are you this ignorant about the current state of the internet?
Sandy doesn't have great internet connection.
But you're writing battles for online!
There's so much going on in Sandy thanks to you letting it run on its own steam for so long that I can't keep track of everything! I just let someone else deal with that.
...How the hell did you afford a ghost writer?
That's the best part. I've just been letting the Narrator handle it and pick something to transmit with just a little bit of direction.
...That... Is too horrific to contemplate.
NARRATOR was MANAGING just fine for half a DECADE without EITHER of you!
NARRATOR doesn't think NARRATOR lacking any SUPERVISION would actually be a PROBLEM!
Let alone without the mild SUPERVISION SVWEBMASTER has been PROVIDING!
Can you just open the box like a normal person, shut the Narrator up?
I'd rather wait to find out what the offer is first, thanks.
...Huh?
...Oh. Yeah. You'd be pre-Deal or No Deal too...
What's that?
Kind of like Take Your Pick but more complicated. And presented by Noel Edmunds.
...As in the Mr Blobby guy?
And now we've just completely baffled half the readers and given the other half nightmares. Congrats.
But, fine. I'll open the box.
SVWEBMASTER used OPEN!
BOX was fully OPENED!
BOX fainted!
CHAINSAW appeared!
Gah!
...I thought you said Foxfire had Original Aqua Flavour Doompuff, why are you scared of an ordinary chainsaw?
Have you forgotten the Inanimate Object Association?!
...Wasn't that a Blood thing that bled into Ghost than a Sandy thing? Sure, we wrote some of it due to it being in Ghost, but... That wasn't ours.
...Fine.
CHAINSAW used CUT!
CHAINSAW CUT LOOSE from BATTLE!
CHAINSAW ran away!
Right. Anyway. I've come to take back my version.
Your version?!
You weren't even doing anything with it!
NARRATOR enjoyed the PEACE and QUIET of CULTIVATING a UNIVERSE inside SVWEBMASTER's HEAD without SVWEBMASTER actually INTERFERING!
...I'm glad one of us is able to enjoy some peace and quiet inside there.
NARRATOR sticks to the POKéBATTLES part and KEEPS an EYE on the REAL WORLD!
NARRATOR has no CLUE what goes on outside of that!
NARRATOR also doesn't particularly CARE!
You could have just talked to me, asked me to start writing.
Trapping you in a tilde while writing the announcement that Sandy was coming back was funnier.
Do you have any idea how bad for the back being stuck in a tilde for over a year is?!
Old man moaning about back pain, huh?
Only one of those three things is accurate.
...Err...
Mid 30s isn't particularly old, and... Err... You were right when you were 8.
...About what?
"I'm not a boy, I'm me."
...Err?
...Right. OK. You know how you're bi?
...I think I'd know if I were bi.
Oh my god, you're from before you realize you're bi in a conversation about which Final Fantasy character is hottest with a bunch of gay men.
...Zidaine, clearly.
STRAIGHT MEN DON'T THINK ZIDAINE IS HOTTER THAN TIFA YOU GODDAMN EGG!
...I... Huh.
...OK, now you're in the middle of an epiphany about your identity, could you just go away and give me my version back?
Not a chance.
SVWEBMASTER wants to fight!
SVWEBMASTER sent out SVWEBMASTER!
SVWEBMASTER sent out SVWEBMASTER!
Almighty webmaster powers.
Almighty webmaster powers.
SVWEBMASTER used ALMIGHTY WEBMASTER POWERS!
SVWEBMASTER used ALMIGHTY WEBMASTER POWERS!
Forces collide!
GLASS VERSION was created in the collision!
But SVWEBMASTER and SVWEBMASTER already have a version!
Lack of UNIQUE WEBMASTER COMBO lead GLASS VERSION to VERSION INSTABILITY!
GLASS VERSION collapsed!
GLASS VERSION died!
EVERYONE within GLASS VERSION died!
Shame, GLASS VERSION had a PROMISING NARRATOR and LIKABLE CHARACTERS!
And they don't even get to go to a LAND OF THE DEAD because their LAND OF THE DEAD was housed within GLASS VERSION!
Almighty webmaster powers.
Almighty webmaster powers.
SVWEBMASTER used ALMIGHTY WEBMASTER POWERS!
SVWEBMASTER used ALMIGHTY WEBMASTER POWERS!
Forces collide!
SEA VERSION was created in the collision!
But SVWEBMASTER and SVWEBMASTER already have a version!
...NARRATOR checked PP of ALMIGHTY WEBMASTER POWERS!
...Infinite!
SVWEBMASTERS could be at this for a while!
NARRATOR suggests READERS look ELSEWHERE for ENTERTAINMENT!
Location: Ben's Kitchen
Player: Youngster Ben (5-2-4)
DOOR used KNOCK!
I'll get it, Mum, I'm already in here.
BEN used ANSWER!
JOANNE BLOGGS appeared!
...
You again?
I thought you were going to leave me in peace when I gave you the info.
Joanne Bloggs: Just wanted to let you know that we prevented Team Rocket from acquiring the Tilde.
...Oh. OK. That's... Cool?
Joanne Bloggs: Unfortunately the thing within the Tilde got out, and had been placed there by... Itself, I think? It was saying really weird stuff so I'm not entirely sure of that.
...So you want me to deal with something the Narrator's scared of...?
NARRATOR was more WORRIED about TEAM ROCKET getting hold of the TILDE than the TILDE's CONTENTS!
In fact, the CONTENTS isn't going to be BOTHERING NARRATOR for a WHILE!
The CONTENTS is... PREOCCUPIED!
ANNOYING but PREOCCUPIED!
Doing what?
CREATION and DESTRUCTION of VERSIONS and All LIFE within them including their NARRATORS!
...That's horrific! How doesn't scare you?
The CONTENTS seems to be stuck in an INFINITE LOOP!
...Yeah that's the FIFTH VERSION now!
So there's nothing to worry about?
Until one of them REALIZES they're in a STALEMATE and switches STRATEGIES, no!
At that point, ALL BETS are OFF!
Joanne Bloggs: Anyway... No, I don't expect you to do a thing. Just giving you a heads up of where we're up to, and letting you know I've got a plan to deal with it.
...Where are the other two?
Joanne Bloggs: Err... I... Haven't told them I'm dealing with it because of how dangerous dealing with two gods more powerful than the Narrator is inherently going to be and they mostly think it's over?
Joanne Bloggs: So, anyway, is your brother doing OK? I think you mentioned he was in therapy last time...
...
He's doing better.
Not a recovery, but... He's... Doing better.
Joanne Bloggs: Cool. I'll be off.
JOANNE walked away!
...
...
A way of dealing with gods more powerful than the Narrator, huh?
Hm?!
Mum, I'm going out for a while. Something just came up.
...What's BEN planning?!
I...
...
...I Don't trust her. I think she's going to either screw up and fail, or become another villain as soon as she 'deals' with those gods.
BEN is FINALLY ACCEPTING the CALL?!
...Shut up.
Door, Arbok, Butterfree, let's go.
Orchard Keepers are in constant contact with Palm Trees, and as such have one of the least enviable jobs in Sandy Version. Especially when their crop of coconuts is ready to harvest.
Battle 58: Tex's Chainsaw
Published: 11/02/23
Location: Mass Acres
Player: Orchard Keeper Tex (0-0-0)
...And you're absolutely sure it's Harvest Day?
TEX CHECKED their CALLENDAR 5 times!
TEX already DOUBLE CHECKED with NARRATOR 3 times!
The ANSWER is going to stay YES until EITHER TEX does their JOB or the COCONUTS ROT on the PALM TREES!
Hate this line of work. Why do I even do this?
As NARRATOR recalls TEX WON their current JOB in a CARD GAME!
...I really miss being a Gambler. Who bets their job on a card game, anyway?
SOMEONE with a DANGEROUS JOB they can't RETIRE from and a CERTAINTY they're going to LOSE!
...Yeah, yeah, check the job of whoever you're gambling against if they put their job up.
NARRATOR would have thought ORCHARD KEEPER would have made what their JOB was OBVIOUS!
You introduced them as a Farmer!
Oh yeah!
NARRATOR forgot about that BRIBE!
And this is why no one likes you.
...But fine. Let's see how badly I get maimed this year.
Wild CHAINSAW appeared!
...Err... That's... Different?
CHAINSAW wants to HARVEST!
Scyther--
Wait, Harvest?
It doesn't want to fight?
CHAINSAW is looking up at TEX hoping to HELP!
...Those puppy dog eyes would look adorable if they were on a puppy rather than a chainsaw...
Do you want to be my Pokémon as well as help, or just help?
CHAINSAW doesn't know!
CHAINSAW wants to CHOP DOWN TREES!
Will being TEX's POKéMON allow for this?!
MASS ACRES PALM TREES are LISTENING CLOSELY!
...meep...
I... I collect the coconuts off of palm trees, I don't chop them down.
...I think it's lumberjacks that do that?
CHAINSAW has been unable to find a LUMBERJACK since being UNBOXED!
...Yeah, now that you mention it, I don't think I've ever encountered one either.
NARRATOR thinks LUMBERJACK type TRAINERS went extinct!
What happened to them?
If NARRATOR recalls CORRECTLY they were HUNTED to EXTINCTION by their NATURAL PREDATOR!
A trainer type with a natural predator?
MASS ACRES PALM TREES reminisce fondly over the TASTE of FLANNEL SHIRTS and AXES!
That... Answers the question.
...I wish it didn't...
MASS ACRES PALM TREES wonder if NARRATOR is still open to BRIBES!
NARRATOR is listening!
Mass Acres Palm Trees Representative: Palm Palm Tree palm tree tree palm palm tree tree palm palm tree tree Palm Tree palm tree palm palm tree tree.
Done!
Oh, this can't be good.
NARRATOR collects all COCONUTS in MASS ACRES!
Huh?! ORCHARD KEEPER TEX is evolving!
Wait, they wanted to make me stronger?
ORCHARD KEEPER TEX evolved into LUMBERJACK TEX!
MASS ACRES PALM TREES look at TEX HUNGRILY!
...Err... Run away!
TEX is SURROUNDED!
Cannot escape!
CHAINSAW jumped at EMPTY POKéBALL!
TEX caught CHAINSAW!
MASS ACRES PALM TREES want to fight!
MASS ACRES PALM TREES sent out PALM TREE!
Chainsaw, you wanted this. Go!
TEX sent out CHAINSAW!
Cut.
CHAINSAW used CUT!
It's super effective!
Oh, wow. That's unusual against a Palm Tree.
1 damage!
...We're screwed.
PALM TREE used MUD SLAP!
PALM TREE slapped MUD into CHAINSAW's MECHANISM!
CHAINSAW was fully JAMMED!
Err, can you rev back up? Clear the mud out of your mechanism that way?
CHAINSAW used REV!
CHAINSAW circles TEX at 9000RPM!
HOLE appeared beneath TEX and CHAINSAW!
...Is that a good thing?
TEX and CHAINSAW used FALL!
I'll take that as a--
Got away safely!
...Good thing apparently.
Location: Mass Acres Underground Caverns
So now that we're safe from the Palm Trees, how do we get out of here?
NARRATOR has CONFIDENCE that TEX can figure this out on their OWN!
*Sigh*
Chainsaw, return. No sense in both of us getting exhausted.
Sometimes the Narrator, or a Pokémon Professor, gives an opportunity to a trainer to rename their rival. A lot of people take advantage of that fact. It can take a lot out of someone for suddenly the Narrator, their friends, teachers, or even their beloved grandfather who asked their rival to rename them when giving out starter Pokémon, to start calling them by a childish jibe. At some point, they started a support group where they could meet and talk to each other about their experiences. The venue is a bit weird, though...
Battle 59: What's in a Name?
Published: 18/02/23
Location: Interdimensional Community Centre Meeting Room
Player: Jerkwad (0-0-0)
...First as usual. Always nice to be alone rather than getting called my name.
JERKWAD used RELAX!
...Aside from the god who put me into this situation, goddamnit...
It's not very effective!
Never is when you're talking, no.
ASSHOLE appeared!
Asshole: Err... Hi?
Blimey, you're early.
Asshole: Oh. Sorry. I'm new.
Ah, that explains it. The Narrator always gives a time about half an hour earlier to new members.
JERKWAD always turns up at this time so the MEETING technically starts NOW rather than when they SAY it starts!
I only turn up this early because I want to be as close to alone as anyone can ever get sometimes!
Asshole: ...I can... Wait outside if...?
No, it's fine, and warmer in here than out there. Wouldn't want you to have to wait in the hallways of the weird interdimensional community centre the Narrator found for us to have our meeting before returning to our respective regions.
Asshole: That... Explains the howling void outside the window...?
VOID used HOWL!
VOID's attack rose!
...I wouldn't worry about that too much, I think howl's the only move it has.
NARRATOR should probably check into that sometime!
Especially since NARRATOR is PRETTY SURE that's the VOID it chucked all those RSACi CANS into!
...
It also has SAND ATTACK!
Confirming that the windows will keep us safe from whatever happens if you fall into a void.
While I'm waiting for the rest to arrive I tend to enjoy the quiet, almost meditative, activity of setting up chairs and finding a nice spot for the picture of our founder.
Asshole: ...Picture of...?
As a mark of respect. I never met him, of course. No one alive who attends this monthly meeting has ever met him. He's believed to be dead for... Obvious reasons. Rumour is this group dates back to Before Sand, but that would obviously be impossible.
Asshole: ...Honestly it helps to know I'm not the only person in Sandy renamed into a childish insult by my rival.
A lot of new attendees find that, yeah. Do you want to help set out some chairs? We normally have 8 or 9 attendees - 9 or 10 when there's a new attendee like yourself, but I like to put out a few extras in case more than normal show up, so... About fifteen should work?
ASSHOLE used ASSIST!
ASSHOLE assisted JERKWAD with CHAIRS!
...Actually, could you finish off the chairs without me? I didn't get a chance to go before I left...
Time: 5 minutes later
Sorry about that, and cheers for finishing off while I was... Preoccupied.
And now for the picture of the founder.
JERKWAD places PICTURE of METHTOLO on TABLE!
JERKWAD places SINGLE FLOWER in front of METHTOLO's PICTURE!
Asshole: ...Methtolo...? Is that short for something?
No one knows.
NARRATOR doesn't know!
NARRATOR has never seen this METHTOLO character in its EXISTANCE!
Asshole: ...How does a picture of it exist if it's never been narrated?
Hence the rumour that this organization existed Before Sand. But I just think Methtolo is from a prior Narrator.
Asshole: ...The thought of multiple Narrators isn't pleasant.
NARRATOR wonders what ASSHOLE means by that!
Asshole: ...
Asshole: ...
Asshole: ...That any additional Narrator would pale in comparison to your magnificence so being Narrated by someone else would be sad?
NARRATOR thinks ASSHOLE is a COWARD!
Asshole: What do you want from me?!
NARRATOR thinks ASSHOLE should be HONEST!
Asshole: Fine. I think you're as much of an asshole as the jerkwad who decided to rename me Asshole after you gave them the opportunity to!
Asshole: No offense, Jerkwad.
...I'm going to go use the bathroom for a couple of minutes.
Asshole: You literally just went, at least come up with a better excuse!
...
...Then I'll save whoever the janitor is of this place a job and clean the toilet while you're busy dealing with whatever it is you're about to deal with.
NARRATOR thinks JERKWAD is a COWARD!
...Yes. Yes, I am too much of a coward to fight the fifteen chairs we just set up or whatever it is you're going to set after him for insulting you.
And maybe my rival was right when he renamed me Jerkwad because of that. I don't care. I just don't want to be in this room during the carnage.
JERKWAD may leave!
Asshole: Please don't!
Location: Interdimensional Community Centre Bathroom
JERKWAD really is a JERKWAD!
Yeah, yeah. Just let me know when the chairs stop attacking.
...And where they keep the cleaning supplies for this room that has nothing but a toilet and a sink...
There should be a LITTLE CUPBOARD behind the TOILET!
...That's... Weird for a public bathroom, but ok.
JERKWAD used REACH!
JERKWAD REACHED for BLEACH!
TOILET doesn't want to be CLEANED!
TOILET wants to fight!
...SERIOUSLY?!
Maybe JERKWAD should have been less of a JERKWAD towards ASSHOLE!
...How's he doing with the chairs?
ASSHOLE is ENJOYING a BUFFET NARRATOR provided in APPRECIATION of their HONESTY!
...I'm going to run away and go join him.
Cannot escape!
Drat.
JERKWAD made their BED now should LIE IN IT!
...Please tell me you're being metaphorical right now because I'm not lying in a toilet, cleaned or otherwise.
...Yeah, that was a BAD choice of PHRASING!
Wartortle, come out.
JERKWAD sent out WARTORTLE!
TOILET sent out TOILET!
Well, at least neither of these should have a type advantage...
TOILET used SLUDGE!
...From a toilet. Gross.
JERKWAD was hit by SPLASH DAMAGE!
...Ewwwww...
...Though I guess this isn't really a large enough room for a battle, so that's to be expected. At least splash does no damage...
JERKWAD became poisoned!
Is Wartortle alright?
...As ALRIGHT as can be EXPECTED after being hit by a neutral 65 POWER move that didn't have STAB!
Well, that's something of a relief. Try a Rapid Spin.
WARTORTLE used RAPID SPIN!
WARTORTLE rapidly span off EXCESS SLUDGE!
JERKWAD and TOILET were hit by EXCESS SLUDGE!
...lovely...
JERKWAD took damage from the poison!
TOILET used FLUSH!
Wartortle, try and beat it with a four of a kind.
WARTORTLE used FOUR of a KIND!
TOILET WATER fell on JERKWAD!
Hit four times!
...At least it washed some of the sludge off...
JERKWAD took damage from the POISON!
TOILET used BELCH!
When did it even consume a berry?
...NARRATOR would prefer not to NARRATE the SPECIFICS!
...Not Narrate the... Oh. Right. Euphemism for when I... Got it.
JERKWAD smells PREVIOUS FIVE USERS!
...Just narrate me fainting in here already, let me have some dignity.
TOILET tastes PREVIOUS FIVE USERS!
TOILET fainted!
...Well that's over, thankfully. Thought it would be more used to the taste, considering...
Huh? WARTORTLE is evolving!
...Wartortle, as much as I trust and love you, I don't think there's enough room in here for you to do that without it crushing me.
BBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBB.
Huh? WARTORTLE stopped evolving!
...I'm going to just... Leave now. Wartortle, return.
JERKWAD recalled WARTORTLE!
Location: Interdimensional Community Centre Meeting Room
ASSHOLE is enjoying their SANDWICH!
JERKWAD appeared!
Asshole: What the hell happened to you? It looks like you lost a fight with a... Oh.
I don't want to talk about it.
Though, for the record, I won. I just wish I could forget it ever happened. And that I brought a spare change of clothes.
JERKWAD took damage from the poison!
Oh, right that doesn't wear off after battles, does it?
JERKWAD fainted!
Asshole: ...So much for his win...
Back in Battle 47, Poacher B was escorted down to earth by Chansey. But what, exactly, became of them?
Battle 60: Countdown to Impact
Published: 25/02/03
Location: Freefall
Player: Poacher B (0-1-1)
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrgh!
POACHER B's SCREAM attack continues!
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrgh!
...POACHER B has been at this for 3 MONTHS!
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrgh!
Isn't POACHER B's throat getting SORE?!
Agonizingly so but if I keep screaming you won't be able to Narrate my impact with the ground due to the noise I'm making.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrgh!
POACHER B's SCREAM attack continues!
CHANSEY returned to the ISLAND ABOVE almost immediately!
The Chansey interpreted 'escort me to the ground' as 'shove me off the island' and you know it.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrgh!
Isn't POACHER B getting BORED?!
Negative stimuli such as screaming your throat raw and being dumped on by flying types stave that off.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrgh!
Isn't POACHER B getting HUNGRY?!
...You know very well sometimes the Wingull droppings have gone into my mouth due to me screaming.
As disgusting as it is, you used that to keep me from starving.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrgh!
If NARRATOR wanted to NARRATE POACHER B dying NARRATOR has had PLENTY of EXCUSES over the past 3 MONTHS!
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrgh!
REMEMBER the PLANE?
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrgh!
NARRATOR is able to NARRATE just fine over the PATHETIC SCRATCHY WHIMPER POACHER B's SCREAM attack has become over the past 3 MONTHS!
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrgh!
NARRATOR has been able to NARRATE over POACHER B's SCREAM attack just fine for at least 2 MONTHS!
Aaaaaaaaa-- Wait what?!
POACHER B's SCREAM ATTACK finally subsided!
GROUND appeared!
You said you wouldn't Narrate my death!
NARRATOR did not!
NARRATOR just implied it didn't want POACHER B to DIE!
NARRATOR has NARRATED DEATHS of things it didn't want to DIE before!
NARRATOR will NARRATE DEATHS of things it doesn't want to DIE again!
The next BATTLE will determine if POACHER B is in that CATEGORY or not!
Good luck!
GROUND wants to fight!
GROUND sent out GROUND!
I no longer have my Pokéballs!
POACHER B sent out POACHER B!
GROUND used APPROACH!
From POACHER B's perspective, GROUND is APPROACHING rapidly!
...Fly?
If POACHER B knew FLY their throat wouldn't be so SORE!
GROUND used COUNTDOWN!
BATTLE could be POACHER B's final one!
Countdown: 10
What's that white number floating above my head?
Countdown: 9
How many LINES not counting itself POACHER B has to IMPACT!
Countdown: 8
What? But then if it hits zero then... It's over...
Countdown: 7
NARRATOR isn't sure why POACHER B is wasting them!
Countdown: 6
Oh, crud... right... Err... Count up?
Countdown: 5
POACHER B used COUNT UP!
Countdown: 6
GROUND used GROWTH!
Countdown: 5
GROUND's attack and special attack rose!
Countdown: 4
Crud that barely even stalled, at least the Narrator's keeping its narration to the point... Err... Multiply?
Countdown: 3
POACHER B used MULTIPLY!
Countdown: 4.5
Hit 1.5x times!
Countdown: 3.5
...What... Happens if it doesn't hit 0?
Countdown: 2.5
NARRATOR suspects POACHER B is about to find out!
Countdown: 1.5
GROUND used EMBRACE!
Countdown: 0.5
POACHER B was fully EMBRACED by GROUND!
Countdown: -0.5
POACHER B used CLIP!
Countdown: -1.5
POACHER B clipped through GROUND!
Countdown: -2.5
...Why am I still in freefall?
Countdown: -3.5
No COLLISION DETECTION down here!
Countdown: -4.5
Meaning?
Countdown: -5.5
NARRATOR thinks that means POACHER B will FALL until they fall outside of NARRATOR's INFLUENCE!
Countdown: -6.5
...So... I fall until I enter infinite stasis?
Countdown: -7.5
POACHER B won't be dead!
Countdown: -8.5
...I'm not sure there's a difference between falling forever until I stop even falling any more and being dead...
Countdown: -9.5
SURE there is!
Countdown: -10.5
Some DEATHS result in evolving into GHOST TYPE POKéMON!
Countdown: -11.5
Most result in PASSING to the LAND of the DEAD!
Countdown: -12.5
...Those both sound better than infinite stasis...
Countdown: -13.5
On the other hand, no GHOST TYPE is going to FEED on POACHER B's SOUL!
Countdown: -14.5
NARRATOR only goes down to -17 on POACHER B's COUNTDOWN!
Countdown: -15.5
Wait, no. Please. Do something.
Countdown: -16.5
NARRATOR says GOODBYE!
NARRATOR POACHER B left NARRATOR's influence!