Rocket Grant and Rocket Red were thwarted in their efforts to retrieve the Tilde. Now they have the unenviable task of reporting their failure to Giovanni. And he's requested they do it in person.
Battle 61: If Wishes Were Fishes
Published: 11/03/23
Location: Team Rocket Hideout - Giovanni's Office
Player: Rocket Grant (2-1-2)
ROCKET RED appeared!
ROCKET GRANT appeared!
You called us, boss?
Giovanni: So, you two bumbling incompetents failed me. Red for a second time.
Giovanni: I suppose I should be grateful you managed to do one thing right - Finding my office.
Giovanni, sir, we're incredibly sorry for our failure. How can we make it up to you?
Giovanni: You can't. That was the most important mission in our plan and you both blew it. I cannot anticipate what's going to happen next.
Giovanni: Red, you're on Skunktank latrine duty again. For two months this time. See if that gets you to actually do your damn job. I'd deal with you more... Permanently... But I need your protagonist grade plot armour now more than ever due to your complete and utter failure.
Rocket Red: ...
Giovanni: And as for Grant here...
GIOVANNI used BUTTON PRESS!
TRANQUELIZER DART hit ROCKET GRANT!
GRANT fainted!
Giovanni: He has an appointment with some wild Magikarp. A permanent one.
Rocket Red: !!!
Giovanni: Careful. Emotional outbursts can break a protagonist type's silence and with it their plot armour. That's the only thing stopping you from joining him right now.
Rocket Red: ...
Location: Vermilion City Docks
Time: Dead of Night
GRANT came too!
Ugh... My head's killing me...
GRANT has more LITERAL things to worry about right now!
Huh? Where am I?
VERMILLION CITY DOCKS!
Huh? Pretty far from Celadon...
Wait, why are my feet so heavy right now?
CONCRETE BOOTS appeared!
Like N64 IRON BOOTS, but even LESS CONVENIENT to UNEQUIP!
...Ugh... Last thing I remember I was-- Wait. Concrete boots?! Docks?! Dead of Night?!
GRANT used STRUGGLE!
It doesn't affect CONCRETE BOOTS!
CRANE used OPERATE!
BUZZER used BEEP!
CAVITY SAM used GLOWING NOSE!
CRANE DROPPED the PIECE back DOWN!
...Wait doesn't that mean--
GRANT used FALL!
OCEAN used ENGULF!
GRANT is ENCIRCLED by OCEAN's GULF!
...
Many MAGIKARP appeared!
GRANT's OXYGEN METER appeared!
GRANT's OXYGEN METER wants to fight!
GRANT sent out GRANT!
...
GRANT NEEDS to THINK their moves HARDER so NARRATOR can HEAR!
(Air bubble?)
GRANT used AIR BUBBLE!
GRANT's AIR BUBBLEs appeared on the SURFACE!
GRANT's OXYGEN METER used DIMINISH!
GRANT's chances of SURVIVAL are rapidly dropping!
Just like GRANT!
(Gah... SWIM!)
GRANT is already SWIMMING with the MAGIKARP!
No effect!
GRANT's OXYGEN METER used SONIC DROWNING MUSIC!
It's super bad for GRANT's BLOOD PRESSURE!
...Not that that will be of any worry to GRANT much LONGER!
(You're not helping here.)
And GRANT is wasting TIME by not using MOVES!
(Err. Hells. Gah. Float. I use float.)
GRANT used FLOAT!
GRANT's using CONCRETE BOOTS as a FLOATATION AID!
No effect!
GRANT's OXYGEN METER used MOMENT of SILENCE!
SONIC DROWNING MUSIC reached HALF SECOND REST between ENDING and DEATH!
(...I'm done for... Is this really how I die? Unless...)
(Wish?)
GRANT used WISH!
Huh? One of the MAGIKARP is evolving!
MAGIKARP evolved into STAR!
STAR used SHOOT!
STAR SHOT into the NIGHT SKY!
WAILORD appeared!
???
WAILORD used EAT!
WAILORD ate GRANT!
WAILORD ran away!
GRANT's OXYGEN METER used RESET!
GRANT's WISH to SURVIVE was GRANTED!
Lumberjack Tex has been trying to find a way out of the Underground Caverns since falling into them. Thus far, he's just found a lot of moss. At least it's edible. Sort of.
For those who prefer a more immersive reading experience, this battle is also available in PDF format.
Battle 62: Unknown Temple
Published: 18/03/23
Location: Mass Acres Underground Caverns
Player: Lumberjack Tex (0-1-0)
You know what I really miss. More than the sun. More than fresh air. More than the lack of constant walking?
Food that isn't edible moss.
Especially considering how much of it tastes like burnt sprouts.
The LAST BATCH was LIQUORICE FLAVOUR!
...I am aware. I ate it. I wish I hadn't.
NARRATOR is starting to LOSE CONFIDENCE in TEX's ability to figure this out on their OWN!
Am I any closer to a change of location?
How have I been walking these caverns for weeks without a change of location?
The orchard is only a few acres large. Hence the name Mass Acres.
Location: Hidden Temple (Exterior)
...I wasn't expecting that to actually work.
NARRATOR wasn't expecting TEX to go SO FAR the WRONG WAY that they found the HIDDEN TEMPLE!
You knew about this?
NARRATOR is kind of EVERYWHERE that NARRATOR is?!
It's kind of HARD to hide a LOCATION from NARRATOR!
...Yeah. Sorry. Just... You could have told me I was going the wrong way.
NARRATOR has been KEEPING TEX FED!
...
...Next time, just say something.
NARRATOR doesn't like to INTERFERE!
How is evolving me into Palm Tree prey due to a bribe not count as interfernce?!
The COCONUTS were DELICIOUS!
...Right...
BOOBY appeared!
Why is there a seabird at least a month's walk into an underground cavern?
BOOBY is TRAPPED!
...A pun designed to warn me that this place is booby trapped. Right.
TEX should watch out for BOOBY TRAPS!
Yes. Thank you. Got it.
TEX asked NARRATOR to SAY SOMETHING next time!
NARRATOR says SOMETHING next time!
TEX objects to NARRATOR saying SOMETHING!
...What do you want from me?!
A THANK YOU for not STARVING TO DEATH would be NICE!
...Thank you for the barely edible, hideously textured, atrociously flavoured, stuff that has kept me alive and miserable down here rather than just telling me I was going the wrong way as soon as I started walking.
NARRATOR used IGNORE!
NARRATOR ignored OBVIOUS SARCASM!
TEX is WELCOME!
...You know, I feel bad for the Booby...
PokéBall, go.
TRAINER blocked the BALL!
It's not wild?
NARRATOR explicitly told TEX the BOOBY was TRAPPED!
Fine. Let me proceed with caution, leaving the poor trapped bird behind.
TILES appeared!
...OK, what sort of tiles?
TEX has EYES!
The lighting isn't great down here.
Fine!
5 LEATHER TILES, 4 SILK TILES, 3 COTTON TILES, 2 WOOL TILES and one LYCRA TILE appeared in an ARRANGEMENT!
...Weird materials for...
...
...Narrator, what are you playing at?
NARRATOR did NOTHING!
Really? Me being called Tex and stumbling upon a booby trapped temple with textile tiles is a coincidence, is it?
...
...
...NARRATOR has NOTHING to do with this it SWEARS!
...Not buying it, but I don't suppose it makes a difference.
...Is leather technically a textile?
And if not does that mean I should stick with leather or avoid it?
Blow it, it's clearly a pun on textiles, let's go with the textile tiles.
TEX stepped on SILK TILE!
TEX became RESTRAINED to WALL by SILK CORDS!
...Ugh...
...They could have at least kept my feet touching the ground, this is just uncomfortable for uncomfortability sake...
UNKNOWN amount of UNOWN appeared!
...Err... How worried about that should I be?
NARRATOR doesn't know!
You're the Narrator, surely you know how many there are?!
NARRATOR already told TEX!
UNKNOWN amount!
...
They keep MOVING and FLUXUATING and popping IN and OUT of REALITY, OK?!
It's hard to get an ACCURATE COUNT!
Any idea how many? What order of magnitude at least?
RABBITS would think there are A LOT, does that help?!
...At least 5. Right.
No, not at all helpful.
UNKNOWN UNOWN used SPELL!
Unknown Unown: HELLO TEX
...Well that's giving me a headache to read...
UNKNOWN UNOWN used RECONFIGURE!
Unknown Unown: WE HAVE WAITED A LONG TIME FOR YOU
...Not creepy at all...
UNKNOWN UNOWN used RECONFIGURE!
Unknown Unown: YOU SHALL BE OUR PILOT
And what if I say no?
UNKNOWN UNOWN used RECONFIGURE!
Unknown Unown: YOU ARE RESTRAINED
UNKNOWN UNOWN used RECONFIGURE!
Unknown Unown: DO YOU THINK NOW IS A GOOD TIME FOR YOU TO BATTLE?
At least if I faint you can't use me as your pilot...
UNKNOWN UNOWN used RECONFIGURE!
Unknown Unown: WE DO NOT NEED YOU TO BE CONSCIOUS
...Yeah, see my earlier sarcasm about you not being remotely creepy.
UNKNOWN UNOWN used RECONFIGURE!
Unknown Unown: ALL THAT MATTERS IS THAT YOU ARE LIVING
Still going to try and get out of this.
UNKNOWN UNOWN used RAPID RECONFIGURE!
Unknown Unown: THE SANDS COLLIDE
Unknown Unown: THE GLITCH WILL COME
Unknown Unown: YOU ARE OUR ESCAPE
Unknown Unown: YOU MUST NOT BE ALLOWED TO LEAVE
Their text is hard to read, did you catch any of that aside from the last line that they stuck on?
UNKNOWN UNOWN went TOO FAST for NARRATOR also!
Yeah, figures.
But the CONTEXT isn't needed for NARRATOR to understand the IMPORTANT BIT!
UNKNOWN UNOWN want to fight!
UNKNOWN UNOWN sent out UNOWN!
...How many?
UNKNOWN!
...Of course...
Scyther, go.
TEX sent out SCYTHER!
The enemy is uncountable, get'em Scyther!
Way to boost my confidence there.
Scyther, can you cut me down from here?
SCYTHER used CUT!
SILK RESTRAINTS fainted!
TEX used FALL!
TEX landed on LYCRA TILE!
...Wonderful.
TEX's CLOTHING was RECONFIGURED into FORM FITTING LYCRA!
It doesn't leave anything to the imagination!
...Lovely.
Huh?! LUMBERJACK TEX is evolving!
Again?!
LUMBERJACK TEX evolved into PILOT TEX!
...Wait is this their idea of a pilot outfit?!
Where the hell did they get the idea that this is what pilots wear from?!
UNKNOWN UNOWN used RECONFIGURE!
Unknown Unown: GET IN THE ROBOT TEX
...I hate that I get why this outfit is so humiliating now.
Though where's this robot even meant to be?
...
Oh, very AMUSING!
UNKNOWN UNOWN used RECONFIGURE!
Unknown Unown: IT APPEARS THE NARRATOR FIGURED IT OUT
Hiding a GIANT ROBOT from NARRATOR via a PUN is IMPRESSIVE!
...Huh?!
HIDDEN TEMPLE was renamed HIDDEN GIANT ROBOT HEAD!
Location: Hidden Giant Robot Head (Exterior)
UNKNOWN UNOWN used RECONFIGURE!
Unknown Unown: WE BELIEVE IT IS STILL OUR TURN SINCE TALKING IS A FREE ACTION
NARRATOR guesses!
...
UNOWN used HIDDEN POWER!
Hit UNKNOWN amount of times!
SCYTHER... fainted, apparently!
...Well that's a small mercy, at least...
NARRATOR is as SURPRISED by this as TEX!
Chainsaw, go!
TEX sent out CHAINSAW!
The enemy is overwhelming, get'em CHAINSAW!
Again, you really know how to boost morale.
UNOWN used HIDDEN POWER!
Hit UNKNOWN amount of times!
CHAINSAW fainted!
TEX was dragged out!
Don't suppose it's too late to run?
TEX is surrounded!
No escape!
UNOWN used HIDDEN POWER!
All TILES ACTIVATED!
TEX was DRAGGED into HIDDEN GIANT ROBOT HEAD by SILK and COTTON and WOOL cords!
TEX was FASTENED TIGHT by LEATHER restraints!
...Mmmph...
NARRATOR isn't sure the GAG was necessary!
UNKNOWN UNOWN used RECONFIGURE!
Unknown Unown: HIS SARCASM IS ANNOYING
TEX was fully caught!
UNKNOWN UNOWN start ENTERING the ROBOT at a rate of about 100 a SECOND!
...
...
UNKNOWN UNOWN's attack continues!
...
...
...This is GOING to take SOME TIME!
UNKNOWN UNOWN used RECONFIGURE!
Unknown Unown: SO MUCH TIME READERS SHOULD GO SOMEWHERE ELSE
...
UNKNOWN UNOWN used RECONFIGURE!
Unknown Unown: OH ARE WE NOT MEANT TO KNOW ABOUT THEM?
Following reporting his failure to Giavani, Red has been cleaning the Skuntank Latrines for two weeks now. His thoughts keep turning to what happened to Grant, and the business card Joanne Bloggs slipped him immediately following his defeat.
Battle 63: Ready to Run
Published: 25/03/23
Location: Team Rocket Skuntank Latrines
Player: Rocket Red (3-2-3)
RED used SHOVEL!
RED cleared MUCK onto WHEELBARROW!
...
RED used REMEMBER!
RED remembered ROCKET GRANT!
...
RED used READ!
RED read CARD!
Card: If you want to leave, I might be able to help. Let the Narrator know, it may be an annoying asshole--
Oi!
Card: But it likes to meddle, especially when it creates meetings between people who want to get in touch with each other.
...
...
...NARRATOR thinks it can arrange a COINCIDENCE!
RED used LOOK!
RED looked around!
RED is ALONE aside from NARRATOR!
...
RED used GRIMACE!
RED grimaced in ANTICIPATION!
...
RED used CRAWL!
RED started CRAWLING through FLUID RUN OFF!
It's super gross!
...
Not much chance of being CAUGHT!
Location: Cycle Road Underpass
RED used EMERGE!
RED emerged from DRAIN PIPE!
...
RED's hygiene bar is ROCK BOTTOM!
...
MUK appeared!
...
MUK wants to EAT delicious and nutritious SAUCE RED is currently WEARING!
...
RED wants to fight!
RED sent out ROBIN!
MUK sent out MUK!
...
ROBIN used BIN!
ROBIN gave MUK a BIN full of... Err... MUCK to EAT!
MUK used EAT!
MUK's morale greatly rose!
...
ROBIN used INVITE!
ROBIN invited MUK to join RED's TEAM!
MUK asked if there'd be more DELICIOUS FOOD!
...
MUK realized RED is COVERED in DELICIOUS FOOD!
...
MUK used ACCEPT!
MUK wants to ACCEPT the invite!
...
RED threw a POKéBALL!
MUK was caught!
Huh? ROBIN is evolving!
ROBIN evolved into VELOCIRAPTOR!
...
RED withdrew VELOCIRAPTOR!
...
RED used CLIMB!
RED climbed LADDER to CYCLE ROAD!
Location: Cycle Road
RED is getting WEIRD LOOKS!
...
RED used BIKE!
RED pulled a BICYCLE out of their BACKPACK!
WEIRD LOOKS relating to RED not being on a BIKE disappeared!
WEIRD LOOKS relating to RED needing a BATH continue!
JOANNE BLOGGS appeared!
!!!
RED used BELL!
RED rang BELL furiously in JOANNE's direction!
Joanne Bloggs: Are you trying to get my attention because you want my help or because you want revenge?
...
Joanne Bloggs: Narrator, a little help here?
RED wants HELP!
Joanne Bloggs: How urgent is my journey that apparently requires a bizarre non-euclidean route to get to where I'm going?
They seem to be a LONG WAYS OFF getting BORED of their PERPETUAL BATTLE which NEITHER can gain an UPPER HAND in!
They also seem to be a LONG WAYS OFF realizing that SPAMMING their MOST POWERFUL MOVE at each other makes for a PERPETUAL STALEMATE!
JOANNE has TIME to do this NOW if they want!
Joanne Bloggs: Cool. What... Happened to you? You look... And smell... Awful...
...
RED has been CLEANING SKUNTANK LATRINES as PUNISHMENT for FAILURE!
...
RED wants to emphasize that THAT is not why RED is RUNNING AWAY from TEAM ROCKET!
...
RED also thinks if that was why they RAN AWAY from TEAM ROCKET they'd have PICKED a RISKIER ESCAPE ROUTE that didn't involve CRAWLING THROUGH the LATRINE's FLUID RUN OFF!
Joanne Bloggs: ...Where's the older kid who was with you? Grant, was it?
...
RED thinks TEAM ROCKET killed them!
...
RED is RUNNING AWAY due to that!
...
RED thinks TEAM ROCKET only want them for their PROTAGONIST GRADE PLOT ARMOUR!
Joanne Bloggs: ...They'll likely keep pursuing you if you keep it, then. I can help you escape them either way, but if they want someone with protagonist grade plot armour, they're likely to give up faster if you don't have it. Up to you, though.
...
RED wonders how you'd REMOVE IT from them!
Joanne Bloggs: Usually it's tricky, but in your case... I think it's going to be very easy to get an emotional response large enough for you to break it yourself.
...
RED wants RID of it!
Joanne Bloggs: OK. Narrator, stop translating for Red.
Joanne Bloggs: Red, this isn't going to be pleasant, but I want you to think about what happened to Grant.
...
Joanne Bloggs: Not just what you know happened. Not just what you remember happening. What you think happened next.
.
Joanne Bloggs: What do you think he was feeling when they were doing it? They might have made sure he was conscious when they started.
!
They did!
!!!
Joanne Bloggs: Imagine it. Feel it. Use it.
...T... Te... Terror.
PROTAGONIST ESSENCE emerged from RED!
Joanne Bloggs: ...That might be useful. PokéBall, go!
JOANNE threw a POKéBALL!
JOANNE caught PROTAGONIST ESSENCE!
...Is that...
Joanne Bloggs: Take your time, I don't know how long you were a Protagonist type, but you're not used to using those speaking muscles at the moment.
...Is that why... Why you helped me?
Joanne Bloggs: Nah. Only realized I might be able to use it when it left you. Let's get you somewhere safe. Ideally somewhere with a ton of soap.
Tha... Thanks.
Huh? ROCKET RED is evolving!
ROCKET RED evolved into FUGITIVE RED!
Joanne Bloggs has left Fugitive Red, who's on the run from Team Rocket, with the important codes to Safe House 24. Let's see how he adjusts to his new accommodation.
Battle 64: Safe as Houses
Date: 01/04/23
Location: Safe House 24 (Exterior)
Player: Fugitive Red (4-2-3)
...
RED is not a PROTAGONIST TYPE any more!
O... Oh... How is... How is this meant to... To work?
RED needs to STATE INTENTION as if they were COMMANDING a POKéMON
...H... Huh. Is that why... Why everyone else says... Says really redundant stuff?
Pretty much, yeah!
O... Open?
RED used OPEN!
39R 13L 27R!
RED entered SAFE HOUSE 24 LOUNGE!
Location: Safe House 24 (Lounge)
RED appeared!
DOOR used SEAL!
DOOR was SHUT TIGHT!
I... I was expecting...
...Not a giant... Giant safe with a couch and a TV.
And a safe... Safe door as the only way in or out of the... The only room?
Where's... Where's the toilet?
NARRATOR thought JOANNE gave RED the RELEVANT CODES!
That... That doesn't help if I... If I can't find the door?
Try it!
I use... Use the bathroom code?
RED used OPEN!
1L 2R 1L
RED entered SAFE HOUSE 24 BATHROOM!
Location: Safe House 24 (Bathroom)
RED appeared!
DOOR used SEAL!
DOOR was SHUT TIGHT!
...
RED should TAKE their TIME to adjust to COMMUNICATING with NARRATOR this way!
It's... It's not that...
There seems to be a bathroom where... Where the outside should be?
How... How was this made?
It's just an EXTENSION of the TECH that means that HOUSES are BIGGER on the INSIDE!
Standard FOLDING SPACE stuff!
A bit more SOPHISTICATED, mind!
...Hm...
I should... should shower first.
RED used SHOWER!
It's super effective!
RED is no longer SMELLING of SKUNTANK... BUSINESS!
Now... The code for... For the outside is...
RED used OPEN!
25R 10L 47R
RED left SAFE HOUSE 24!
Location: Safe House 24 (Exterior)
RED appeared!
DOOR used SEAL!
DOOR was SHUT TIGHT!
...I just... I... How?
Hm?
I went... I went north, south, north and I wound up in the position I started?
That... That makes no sense.
RED is confused!
RED got more familiar with TALKING in their confusion!
Huh. Yeah, it seems like I've lost the hesitation.
...First OPPORTUNITY for a confusion gag in MONTHS and NARRATOR wastes it on that!
But, how does that even work?
Maybe NARRATOR was UNDERSELLING it with A BIT MORE SOPHISTICATED!
ROCKE--
Time to go back inside then.
RED used OPEN!
39R 13L 27R!
RED entered SAFE HOUSE 24 LOUNGE!
Location: Safe House 24 (Lounge)
RED appeared!
DOOR used SEAL!
DOOR was SHUT TIGHT!
...So... Let's see... I've got a lounge with a TV, a bathroom, codes for a kitchen and a bedroom... And an outside that's got too many Rockets for me to stay outside for too long.
Not much to do from that combination, unless there's more to the kitchen and bedroom than the basic furnishings of the rest of this place...
KITCHEN is kind of OVERSELLING it!
More... MICROWAVE and INFINITE MICROWAVE MEALS!
...And the bedroom?
Doesn't even have PLUSHIES!
Just a BED and a BOOKSHELF!
Any good books?
How does RED feel about CLOWNS?!
...Err...
Because ALL of the BOOKS on that SHELF are about CLOWNS!
That would be a no, then...
Though with this system... I wonder what happens if I input a code that's not on the list...
NARRATOR would not RECOMMEND it!
...Oh?
FIVE rooms contain UNSPEAKABLE HORRORS!
So there are a few chances of getting to catch a cool unidentified Pokémon, gotcha...
...
NARRATOR isn't present in all rooms that EXIST!
Ah, chance of infinite stasis. Not so fun.
And then there are the ROOMS that DON'T EXIST!
...What happens if I pick one of those?
NOTHING GOOD for RED!
...Ugh, fine. TV it is.
Time: 2 hours later
...
...
...Right, that's all the daytime TV I can take, time to risk infinite inertia, or worse, for the chance of meeting a cool Pokémon to catch.
NARRATOR would REALLY rather RED didn't!
Why do you care if I throw my ability to do anything away in a fit of boredom?
NARRATOR doesn't!
It's having to NARRATE what would happen to RED if they go to the NON EXISTANT ROOMS that BOTHERS NARRATOR!
But I'm bored out of my mind here.
Try code 57R, 42L, 89R!
What's in it?
Something NARRATOR thinks RED will ENJOY!
...OK then...
RED used OPEN!
57R, 42L, 89R!
RED entered SAFE HOUSE 24 MONSTER FIELD!
Location: Safe House 24 (Monster Field)
...It's a room full of tall grass?
Indeed!
...So, are there Pokémon in here?
That's the FUN part!
The ENCOUNTER TABLE can be configured to ANY LOCATION in the VERSION!
Walk in tiny circles!
RED used CIRCULAR WALK!
RED WALKED in CIRCLES just LARGE ENOUGH to count as WALKING for PURPOSE of WILD ENCOUNTERS!
What's the current location it's set to, anyway?
Err... ROUTE 21!
Isn't that a water route?
There's TALL GRASS on it!
NARRATOR used DOUBLE CHECK!
...ROUTE 21 SURFING encounter rates!
Can you change it before--
TENTACOOL appeared!
...That happens.
TENTACOOL wants to fight!
Velociraptor, go.
RED sent out VELOCIRAPTOR!
...I appreciate that you went with protofeathers rather than scales.
NARRATOR just thinks KILLER TURKEYS are funnier than MISNAMED SCALEY DEINONYCHUS!
And putting it that way ruins the coolness of the protofeathers. Congrats.
...Though if a PIKACHU were to be EXPOSED to a PREHISTORIC STONE NARRATOR might be able to JUSTIFY something EVOLVING into that!
Maybe call it a GOD STONE?!
That would work the DEI in!
You're getting sidetracked brainstorming bad puns for incredibly unlikely situations...
TENTACOOL used CONSTRICT!
Velociraptor, use your agility to dodge!
VELOCIRAPTOR used AGILITY!
VELOCIRAPTOR's speed sharply rose!
TENTACOOL's CONSTRICT attack missed due to HIGH VELOCITY VELOCIRAPTOR!
MONSTER FIELD is about the size of a ROOM in a SMALL HOUSE!
VELOCIRAPTOR kept going and crashed!
TENTACOOL's attack kept going and crashed!
...Into RED!
PILE OF BODIES resulted from COLLISION!
EVERYONE is in CRITICAL CONDITION!
...Ow...
At least it's easy to aim when you're target's literally lying half unconscious on top of you...
Pokéball, go!
RED used POKéBALL!
TENTACOOL was caught!
OK, Velociraptor, return.
VELOCIRAPTOR's POKéBALL rolled out of REACH in the COLLISION!
Hey, Velociraptor, could you maybe get off my chest so I can get you back into your Pokéball?
VELOCIRAPTOR fell asleep!
Or we can nap hear I guess.
Joanne Bloggs has reached SVWebmaster's Tower, armed with a Tilde and Protagonist Essence, and temporarily allied with the Narrator, will she be able to do anything about both SVWebmasters?
Battle 65: Catch of the Century
Published: 08/04/23
Location: SVWebmaster's Tower (Exterior)
Player: Joanne Bloggs (7-2-3)
Just to confirm, how powerful is this Tilde? How weak do I need these two to be for this plan to work?
PUNCTUATION based BALLS are MASTER BALL equivalent for the type of GOD they're meant to CATCH!
So, certain. Cool.
And me touching it after catching them won't release them like it did last time?
TILDES are DELICATE!
But as long as JOANNE catches SVWEBMASTER and SVWEBMASTER in TILDE it should REGISTER to JOANNE!
PROTAGONIST TYPE trainers are IMMUNE to that LIMITATION due to their PLOT ARMOR!
You're not shutting me up that easily.
And you're not going to screw this up for us?
NARRATOR wants these two GONE as much as JOANNE!
NARRATOR was RUNNING this VERSION just FINE before EITHER of them CAME BACK!
NARRATOR dislikes there being MORE POWERFUL GODS around!
Cool. Because you do realize that if this goes wrong, they will know you helped me because... That route was non-euclidean, there's no way I'd have been able to get here unless I was either following someone or getting directions.
...NARRATOR is AWARE that NARRATOR can't NARRATE its way out of this if JOANNE screws up!
NARRATOR will not be DELIBERATELY SCREWING JOANNE over because of this!
OK.
...Wait, Deliberately?
NARRATOR isn't as POWERFUL as EITHER of those ALONE!
NARRATOR might be COMPELLED to SCREW JOANNE OVER!
...Right...
Let's do this, then.
Location: SVWebmaster's Tower (Interior)
BEACH VERSION collapsed!
BEACH VERSION died!
Everyone within BEACH VERSION died!
Shame, BEACH VERSION was doing UNIQUE THINGS with the FORMAT!
JOANNE BLOGGS appeared!
And they don't even get to go to a LAND OF THE DEAD because their LAND OF THE DEAD was housed within BEACH VERSION!
You again?
Who are you?
Just one of the residents of this version who'd like to register a complaint about the number of gods around here.
JOANNE wants to fight!
Bubble Tea, go.
JOANNE sent out BUBBLE TEA!
Well... Me, go. Obviously.
Likewise.
SVWEBMASTER sent out SVWEBMASTER!
SVWEBMASTER sent out SVWEBMASTER!
Tilde, go!
How'd you get that thing?
Wait, that didn't disintegrate when I got out of it?
One of you needs to be more careful where they leave their toys. The other... Needs to be more observant of their surroundings.
SVWEBMASTER was caught!
TILDE ENERGIES surround SVWEBMASTER!
Oh. ...Ohhh.... Very cute.
Hm?!
You were planning on sucking us both into the same tilde due to us being identical. Unfortunately for you two, it's a little slower than that due to our chronological differences.
Which gives me just enough time to--
NARRATOR used SING!
NARRATOR SINGS MR BLOBBY's #1 HIT SINGLE!
Alm--
BLOBBY, oh MR BLOBBY, if only you could MAKE us UNDERSTAND!
...Why do--
BLOBBY, oh MR BLOBBY, your INFLUENCE will SPREAD THROUGHOUT the LAND!
Why i--
His PHILOSOPHY of LIFE will STEER him THROUGH!
Just get in--
And as FAR as he can SEE!
Give up to shut--
He's the SAME as you and me!
Yield! I yield!
SVWEBMASTER got SUCKED into TILDE!
That was AWFUL!
...Yeah. I heard.
Not the SONG!
Come on, that was the worst song I've ever heard even accounting for your lack of vocal talent.
NARRATOR used FIRST PERSON and GENDERED PRONOUNS to SAVE JOANNE's ASS!
And NARRATOR's INCORPOREAL ASS to be fair!
NARRATOR feels ILL from the EXPERIENCE!
OK. Fine. Thanks for temporarily sacrificing your bizarre speech pattern to help me out, I'm sure that was unpleasant for you.
Why that song considering how inane it was and how singing it made you ill?
NARRATOR needed the MOST ANNOYING SONG it could THINK OF to prevent SVWEBMASTER from FINISHING ANNOUNCING their ATTACK!
And, well, they REFERENCED MR BLOBBY when they STARTED their STALEMATE BATTLE so it was ON NARRATOR's MIND!
Now, time for phase 2. Return it to the Cave.
Location: Joanne's Pocket
Damnit this is even worse now you're here with me. Now I've got weight pushing me into the bump.
Will you get your knee out of my crotch?!
How about you make me?
How about you see how you feel about knees in that sort of place instead?
Worst. Comeback. Ever. Ow!
Location: Nettlemouth Cave (Interior)
Placing it down now.
JOANNE used PLACE!
JOANNE placed the TILDE CAREFULLY!
OK, now then. Bubble Tea, Phone, come out, both of you.
JOANNE sent out BUBBLE TEA!
JOANNE sent out PHONE!
I need help from the two of you.
I need to figure out what attacks will seal this cave off. Any suggestions?
YOUNGSTER BEN appeared!
Youngster Ben: Are they in that Tilde?
Yeah. Why are you here?
Youngster Ben: Didn't trust you. No offence.
None taken. Who'd willingly trust anyone with a god in their pocket?
Youngster Ben: Sealing the cave, huh?
Beats leaving it open.
Youngster Ben: Yeah... Only very specific Pokémon will be able to get it. OK.
BEN sent out BUTTERFREE, DOOR and ARBOK!
I don't suppose you're an expert in demolitions?
Youngster Ben: I can be creative in construction and destruction, sure.
Youngster Ben: What kid my age doesn't play Minecraft these days?
Youngster Ben: A Phone and a Bubble Tea, huh? Do you mind?
No, go ahead. Phone, Bubble Tea, do exactly what he tells you. He's apparently got more experience with demolition work than I do.
Youngster Ben: Now... Butterfree, aim a Supersonic right there. Arbok, same with a Screech over there.
BUTTERFREE used SUPERSONIC!
ARBOK used SCREECH!
ROCKS were LOOSENED!
Youngster Ben: Door, use a Close attack to shift the rocks and get the cave to close. That should cause a cave in at the choke point between us and the Tilde and seal it off.
DOOR used CLOSE!
CAVE PASSAGE was FILLED with LOOSE ROCKS!
Youngster Ben: Phone use a ring, bubble tea use a scald attack. If the Narrator plays ball with the puns, and I'm sure the Narrator will be accommodating considering the potential consequences of not doing that, that will hopefully have something of a welding effect, the ring providing the metal.
...
Youngster Ben: Well?
PHONE used RING!
PHONE gave a LARGE GOLD RING to BUBBLE TEA!
BUBBLE TEA used SCALD!
LARGE GOLD RING was MELTED DOWN into METAL by SCALD REINFORCING the CAVE IN!
...Impressive.
Youngster Ben: Nah. You should see Bobby's fortress on his server. That's an impressive construction.
...Right...
Youngster Ben: Shame we can't make it entirely impenetrable...
Well... There is something I held back.
Youngster Ben: Huh?
Protagonist essence, your time is now!
JOANNE sent out PROTAGONIST ESSENCE!
Fuse with this cave. In particular focus on the area behind that cave-in so nothing can get into it. Ever.
...You want... To infuse a CAVE with PROTAGONIST ESSENCE?!
Yes. Yes, I do.
...NARRATOR has NO CLUE how this is going to go!
Youngster Ben: Well, I hope it goes well for us.
BEN needs to REMEMBER that NARRATOR doesn't have CONTROL of REALITY, it merely INFLUENCES it!
If NARRATOR did have FULL CONTROL, BEN wouldn't be in the POSITION BEN is CURRENTLY in!
ANYWAY!
PROTAGONIST ESSENCE used FUSE!
PROTAGONIST ESSENCE became one with NETTLEMOUTH CAVE!
Huh? NETTLEMOUTH CAVE is evolving!
NETTLEMOUTH CAVE evolved into NETTLEMOUTH CAVE but SAPIENT!
Nettlemouth Cave: ...
I'm going to say we should leave, I don't think I'd like a bunch of people and Pokémon hanging out inside me.
Nettlemouth Cave: ...
BEN withdrew ARBOK, BUTTERFREE and DOOR!
JOANNE recalled BUBBLE TEA and PHONE!
Location: Nettlemouth Cave (Exterior)
Player: Youngster Ben (5-2-5)
YOUNGSTER BEN appeared!
JOANNE BLOGGS appeared!
Can the Cave hear us from here?
NARRATOR checks!
CAVE lacks EXTERNAL SENSES!
CAVE can't SEE or HEAR anything OUTSIDE of itself!
Cool. Cheers for actually bothering to adult. Later.
Joanne Bloggs: Hm?
I want a quick chat with Narrator. Alone.
Joanne Bloggs: Fair enough, we've all been there.
JOANNE BLOGGS walked away!
So... You're the only god left, huh?
NARRATOR is!
You know, I may have told a small lie earlier. A minor one. Nothing major.
Oh?!
Not trusting her to deal with those gods and not become a villain in the process is only the secondary reason I wanted to follow her.
So what was the MAIN REASON BEN wanted to FOLLOW JOANNE?!
BEN used DOFF!
BEN removed NECKLACE!
Because I wanted to know when there wasn't anything more powerful than you around.
Oh?!
Yeah. So I knew when it would be safe to do this.
BEN held COMMA to THROW IT AWAY?!
Wishful thinking on your part.
Wait, BEN, no!
Comma, go!
BEN threw COMMA!
Suddenly, the red tinge to everything in Sandy Version caused by the Narrator's omnipresence got sucked into a small comma hovering above the hands of a young boy. He took a tentative step forwards, working out how his feet worked without a god narrating everything he did. Realizing that Joey had been honest with him, that lacking a Narrator didn't actually put people - put the Version - into a perpetual state of not being able to do anything, Ben grinned and laughed before grabbing the comma into his fist, wound up a huge overarm pitch, and flung the comma as far as he could into the Nettle Patch in front of Nettlemouth Cave.
"Good luck finding that if anyone wants it." He grinned, before tentatively walking off in the direction Joanne Bloggs had walked. Quickly catching up to her, who was very gradually getting used to moving without the Narrator's presence herself, not having the advantage of even knowing it was something that could be done beforehand. He grinned up at Joanne. "Let's get back to the beaten path." His grin broadened as he said it.
"What happened to your necklace?"
"Don't need it anymore now that the gods are all gone and it's just us monsters around."
She smiled down at the young boy, piecing together that he'd caught the Narrator in his necklace and similarly made it so that no one would be able to get to the device he caught it in. "...Yeah. It's going to be nice to not have a Narrator messing with us any more. How'd you know we'd still be able to move without it?"
"An old enemy came back to life and told me."
Joanne was taken aback at this response. Even by Sandy Version standards, that was out there. "I... Right. Let's get home. I'm sure the next few days are going to be a bit chaotic, but at least it's going to be without the constant headache that the Narrator is. You wouldn't happen to be able to give me pointers on moving, you seem to have had a head start on learning it."
Unbeknownst to Ben and Joanne, the seals the Narrator had placed on an office started to gradually fade. The many Gosslord trapped inside starting to notice the shift. The countdown to their escape had begun.