Youngster Joey, having successfully caught his second Pokémon, Caterpie, but not having made up with his Ratatta, now wants to set forth on a Pokémon journey. Thus far, his master strategy of nagging his mother into submission has not proven successful, however.
Battle 11: Joey's Journey Begins
Published: 19/03/22
Location: Joey's House
Player: Youngster Joey (2-0-0)
Pleeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaase!
JOEY used WHINE!
JEAN already has a large glass of wine!
No effect!
Mom Jean: Look, dear, I know you've caught a new pokemon, but I'm just not sure you should be going on a Pokémon journey.
JEAN used RESPONSIBLE PARENT!
JEAN thinks JOEY should wait until they're 10 to go on a POTENTIALLY DANGEROUS JOURNEY!
But look at my record, mom! I'm undefeated!
JEAN used WRY SMILE!
JOEY's conviction sharply fell!
...in battles that actually count for the records...
...Err...
I saved up for the Pokéball I caught Caterpie in myself with the money I was getting for chores, I didn't ask for help saving up?
JEAN nods!
Mom Jean: And took you 5x as long as I've ever known it to take anyone to save up for a Pokéball because you kept losing your savings to Mikey.
JEAN used MOTHERLY KNOWLEDGE!
It's super effective!
...
Pleeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaase!
JOEY used WHINE!
NARRATOR could use some of JOEY's MOM's wine!
Mom Jean: Help yourself, when he's like this he'll be at it for at least another two hours.
NARRATOR used DRINK!
NARRATOR attempted to gain a PhD in INK!
But CHOOSE YOUR OWN POKéBATTLE was a fairly simple beginner INK project!
No effect!
Can I? Come oooooooon!
JOEY's attack continued!
NARRATOR still has a headache!
...The big booming voice in the sky has a headache?
JOEY and JEAN exchange a look!
...
NARRATOR would like some PEACE and QUIET!
Mom Jean: ...Good luck with that...
JOEY would like to go on a POKéMON JOURNEY!
Yeah!
JEAN wants to make sure JOEY is CAPABLE of staying SAFE on their POKéMON JOURNEY
Mom Jean: ...That is the idea of waiting until he's 10, yes...?
READERS want to be ENTERTAINED!
...Wait I don't like where this is--
JOEY and JEAN will fight to determine if JOEY is ready to go on a POKEMON JOURNEY!
Mom Jean: WHAT?!
You want me to fight my own mother?!
If JOEY wins, JEAN will be assured that JOEY can protect themself from all the POKéMON in the WILD and at HOME better than JEAN can!
Mom Jean: ...I... Suppose?
If JEAN wins, JOEY will have to acknowledge that they aren't ready yet!
...I... Guess that makes sense?
Either way JOEY will SHUT UP either through HAPPINESS or SULKING giving NARRATOR peace and quiet!
While READERS will be ENTERTAINED by the CARNAGE!
WIN-WIN-WIN-WIN!
...
Mom Jean: ...
Then it's settled!
JEAN wants to fight!
Caterpie, go.
JEAN sent out CHEESE!
Mom Jean: ...Wait you didn't send out Rattata first?
Mom Jean: And you got in there just before I did so that wasn't strategy...
It's not like I have to send out the same pokemon first every fight!
Mom Jean: Yeah but I know how you feel about Rattata. Is... Is everything ok between the two of you?
I don't want to talk about this!
Mom Jean: ...Honey...
JOEY and JEAN are loafing around!
CHEESE and CATERPIE are looking at each other awkwardly!
Besides we don't have time to talk about this right now!
I don't think caterpillars can eat cheese, and string shot is probably not the most useful attack in this situation, hm...
Caterpie, use pie!
Caterpie used PIE!
Caterpie baked CHEESE into PIE!
Huh? CHEESE is evolving!
CHEESE evolved into CHEESE AND ONION PIE!
...Err...
Mom Jean: ...Well I suppose you'll be able to keep yourself fed if you've taught your pokemon how to cook...
C&OPIE used Copy!
C&OPIE used PIE!
C&OPIE slammed PIE into JOEY's FACE!
It's super messy!
Hey, I'm not even meant to be on the battlefield!
But C&OPIE is the only PIE in the area!
C&OPIE fainted!
Huh? CATERPIE is evolving?
CATERPIE evolved into METAPOD!
...Wow, must have caught it right be--
Huh? METAPOD is evolving!
--fore evolving...
METAPOD evolved into BUTTERFREE!
Or maybe C&OPIE was just that high lev--
C&OPIE was FREE of BUTTER!
...Oh.
Still, awesome work, Butterfree!
JEAN sent out JEAN!
See, I also have more pokemon than you!
...Not that I really want to be using one of them right now...
Butterfree, try a sleep powder!
BUTTERFREE used SLEEP POWDER!
JEAN used CLEAN FACE!
JEAN cleaned JOEY's face with SLEEP POWDER!
Again, I'm not even on the battlefield!
JOEY fell asleep!
zzz
BUTTERFREE used ZZZ!
BUTTERFREE is BUZZING!
JEAN mistook BUTTERFREE for BEEDRILL!
JEAN ran away!
JOEY wins!
JEAN ran back carrying OVERSIZED GLASS!
Mom Jean: Where'd the Beedrill go?
BEEDRILL was always BUTTERFREE!
JEAN forfeited the match when they left the BATTLEFIELD!
Mom Jean: ...That didn't quite go as I planned but narration forced deals are legally binding, so...
zzz
Mom Jean: ...But we should probably wait until you're awake before discussing what you need to take with you.
Mom Jean: ...Not to mention get you bathed because sleep powder is about as effective as a form of soap as to be expected...
zzz
Joey's Mom: I just hope I can get him to open up on what's going on with Rattata before he leaves. Those two used to be inseparable...
Location: Route 30
Time: The next day
Player: Youngster Mikey (0-0-0)
MIKEY used CHECK!
MIKEY checked their phone!
...It's been a weirdly long time since Joey last called me to brag about his Rattata...
I mean, sure, the first couple of weeks was a nice change of pace, but now?
...I'm worried about him.
YOUNGSTER JOEY appeared!
Hey, Joey!
JOEY doesn't notice MIKEY!
...Shoot...
JOEY power-walked away!
...That's... The opposite direction of Cherygrove... He never goes beyond this part of Route 30. What's he up to?
...Narrator, could you let me follow him without announcing my appearance to him?
NARRATOR needs to NARRATE!
You let corporations bribe you from time to time. I have a bunch of money from beating Joey constantly...
MIKEY has POCKET CHANGE!
Come on, you love bad jokes. I can buy you a bunch of joke books from book stores with the money I've won from Joey.
...
MIKEY used BRIBE!
It's super effective!
Joanne Bloggs has a date tonight. Unfortunately, she's struggling to find her keys.
Battle 12: Key Item
Published: 26/3/22
Location: Joanne's House
Player: Joanne Bloggs (1-1-0)
For the last time, where did you put them?
NARRATOR did nothing!
Make it appear then! I don't have time for this.
NARRATOR is not RESPONSIBLE for JOANNE's STUFF!
Oh everyone in the version knows you're responsible for everything that happens aside the actions of people, don't give me that bs about you just narrating things.
NARRATOR did not hide JOANNE's KEYS!
Then what happened to them, they're no longer on the fob!
Wild KLEFKI appears!
...Why is there a Klefki in my house?
KLEFKI appears to be carrying JOANNE's KEYS!
...
Give me those keys back!
KLEFKI wants to fight!
Phone, go!
KLEFKI sent out KLEFKI!
JOANNE sent out PHONE!
KLEFKI used ABSORB!
KLEFKI started to ABSORB JOANNE's KEYS into its body!
Oh no you don't.
Phone, use... Home?
PHONE used HOME!
But PHONE is a CELLPHONE, not a LANDLINE!
No effect!
Drat, was hoping it would rehome my keys into my pocket.
KLEFKI's attack continued!
...It's a fairy type, right?
Yes!
Phone, run an image search for iron.
PHONE used IMAGE SEARCH!
PHONE searched IMAGE for IRON
No MAGES for that ELEMENT are registered on iMAGE
...What in Sandy is iMage?
iMAGE does what iTUNES does for MUSIC but for MAGIC USERS!
...Since when has Sandy Version had mages?
Four LINES ago!
...Has anyone ever told you you're annoying?
Yes!
Have you ever considered doing anything about it?
No!
KLEFKI's attack continued!
KLEFKI has almost absorbed keys into its body!
No! Phone, use your body slam attack!
PHONE used BODY SLAM!
PHONE slammed BODY into KLEFKI!
...NARRATOR is unsure how to NARRATE how INEFFECTUAL a BODY SLAM from a PHONE against a SAPIENT KEY RING is!
...Shut up, I was desperate...
NARRATOR cannot!
KLEFKI's attack continued!
KLEFKI fully absorbed JOANNE's KEYS!
KLEFKI ran away!
JOANNE wins!
Damnit.
JOANNE should be happy for the VICTORY!
The door's locked and that was my last set of keys! I have a date tonight!
Phone, use call.
PHONE used CALL!
PHONE CALLED CATHERINE!
Hi, sorry about the short notice, but a Klefki stole my keys and... I'm kind of locked in my house right now?
Just going to call a locksmith, but I'm afraid we're going to have to cancel tonight's date?
Call you back after the locksmith gives me an ETA so you know when to arrive at mine instead? Sure.
You're the best, honey. Later.
Catherine is back in the office, the day after her date with Joanne.
Battle 13: Battle Between Birds
Published: 02/04/22
Location: Sand Fox Corporate HQ
Player: Catherine Fennel (1-0-0)
And that's it for the morning. Time for lunch.
GOSSIP GUS appeared!
...Oh, hi Gus. You getting off for lunch as well?
Gossip Gus: Yeah. Didn't you say you had a date last night? How'd it go?
...Last time I told you anything like that, everyone in the office knew it.
...How'd you even find out about the date, anyway?
Gossip Gus: I have my sources. Just one bit of info?
No.
Gossip Gus: ...How about something not related to the date?
...And you'll go away so we can both have lunch?
Gossip Gus: Sure.
...Fine. Apparently, the Narrator's gotten a lot more energetic lately, leading to things being even weirder than normal.
Gossip Gus: ...Is that why my shoes have wanted to fight the past three days in a row?
Probably.
...Wait is that why you're wearing improvised flip flops?
I thought that was just a weird new fashion trend I didn't want to know about.
GUS devoured GOSSIP about NARRATOR!
GUS gained 24 GOSSIP points!
GUS grew to level 42!
Huh? GOSSIP GUS is evolving!
...I'm going to regret giving him anything, aren't I?
GOSSIP GUS evolved into GOSSLORD!
What the hell is that?
Sandydex: Gosslord is the Gossip Pokémon, closely related to Guzzlord. When a Gossip type trainer gains a dangerous amount of gossip, they risk evolving into this Pokémon so obsessed with consuming gossip that it tries to eat the brains of people to directly access said gossip.
...A human evolved into a Pokémon? That's... Weird...
...Also wait, eat brains?
Gosslord: Feed. Me. Gossip.
GOSSLORD wants to know about CATHERINE's DATE!
GOSSLORD wants to consume CATHERINE's BRAIN to find out about DATE!
GOSSLORD wants to fight!
Can I run away instead?
GOSSLORD is between CATHERINE and DOOR!
And I'm on the 20th story, so we'll call the window a Plan Z.
No escape!
Torchic, go!
CATHERINE sent out TORCHIC!
GOSSLORD sent out TWITTER!
Torchic, try fanning the flame of a rumour?
TWITTER used HASHTAG!
TORCHIC used FAN FLAME!
TWITTER fried HASH BROWNS on the FLAME!
They're super FAN TAGstic!
Try a cut?
TORCHIC used CUT!
TWITTER used RATIO!
TWITTER's RATIO was CUT in half!
RAT ran away!
IO couldn't find correct port!
Attack failed!
Torchic, we're doing good at countering the attacks as they come, but we need to figure out a way of making actual progress.
...I know it's normally a defensive move, but maybe try a block?
TORCHIC used BLOCK!
GOSSLORD was BLOCKED on TWITTER!
GOSSLORD can no longer interact with CATHERINE and vice versa!
GOSSLORD no longer BLOCKS the door!
...I run away, locking the door behind me.
TORCHIC was withdrawn!
CATHERINE ran away!
CATHERINE used LOCK on the way out!
GOSSLORD was LOCKED in the OFFICE!
We join Youngster Ben, or as you might remember him 'comfy shorts kid,' on Route 3. But will his first battle go as badly as Youngster Joey's did?
Battle 14: I Like Shorts, They're Comfy and Easy to Write
Published: 09/04/22
Location: Route 3
Player: Youngster Ben (0-0-0)
As long as I'm wearing my comfy shorts, nothing can stop me!
GNAT appeared
GNAT used BUGBITE!
GNAT fainted!
Even gnats.
...Though that's down to the bug spray rather than the shorts...
RED appeared!
Hi! I like shorts!
They’re delightfully comfy and easy to wear!
RED wants to fight!
RED sent out ROBIN!
...Huh, not seen that Pokémon before.
RED: ...
Ekans, go!
BEN sent out EKANS!
ROBIN used BOB!
ROBIN is BOB BOB BOBING ALONG!
ROBIN thinks EKANS would fetch a few bob!
Well, she's not for sale!
Ekans, poison sting!
EKANS used POISON STING!
EKANS poisoned STING!
No effect on battle!
Who's Sting?
BEN should ask their GRANDPARENTS!
ROBIN used ROB!
???
RED stole EKANS!
What? That's not fair!
Rattata, go, we need to rescue Ekans from this thief!
BEN sent out RATTATA!
RED withdrew ROBIN!
RED sent out EKANS!
That's just rubbing it in.
You're worse than that bridge gang that hangs out outside Cerulian City!
Red: ...
RED already joined BRIDGE GANG!
BRIDGE GANG is how TEAM ROCKET recruits!
RED was renamed ROCKET RED!
Isn't that after route 3 from the direction you came from?
RED is SEQUENCE BREAKING!
RED BROKE the SEQUENCE of BATTLE!
BEN lost their turn!
No, not Rattata too!
RED thinks RATTATA is WORTHLESS!
Rattata, don't listen to him!
RED thinks even the RATTATA obsessed kid in JOHTO has realized RATTATA is WORTHLESS!
RATTATA's self esteem harshly fell!
...It's not true Rattata, you're wonderful.
EKANS used LEER!
EKANS is a SNAKE!
RATTATA is a RAT!
RATTATA fainted in fright!
...But... Ekans...
BEN is out of usable POKEMON!
ROCKET RED won the battle!
I don't believe it!
In this battle we meet Zoe Capper, doing her rounds during feeding time at Sandy Zoo.
Battle 15: All Jobs are Unbearable
Published: 16/04/22
Location: Sandy Zoo
Player: Zoe Capper (0-0-0)
BEAR appeared!
BEAR is BARE!
SITE aims to be FAMILY FRIENDLY!
SHORTS appeared on BEAR!
BARE fainted!
BEAR is wearing SHORTS!
YOUNGSTER BEN would be proud!
Well I was hoping for a simple feeding session, but apparently I'm not getting that.
BEAR wants to fight!
I figured it would given all that happened since I reached it's enclosure.
Been a while since the bear wanted to fight... Let's see now... Ah, yeah, I think it was that one...
Plushie, I choose you!
ZOE sent out PLUSHIE!
BEAR used BEAR!
ZOE will have to BEAR with BEAR!
Great, that usually leads to--
ZOE missed their turn while BEARING with BEAR!
Yeah. That.
Become a zoo keeper, they said.
Have fun interactions with Pokémon, they said.
Help preserve populations of rare Pokémon, they said.
With your name, you'll be uniquely qualified, they said.
No one mentioned how old the Narrator's puns get when interacting with the same Pokémon day in, day out.
NARRATOR feels underappreciated!
Hey, now. Not your fault there's only a finite amount of ways you can pun various Pokémon and Pokémon attacks so people who interact with specific sets of Pokémon more often are going to get some repetition.
I get it. You're doing the best you can with your job. We all are. And the world would be a lot worse if you were actually evil.
And would anything even happen if you weren't around? How would morning come if there wasn't a Narrator around to declare that the sun appeared? The world just couldn't function without you around. On some level, everyone knows that.
ZOE attempted SWEET TALK on NARRATOR!
Wasn't ZOE meant to be skipping their turn?!
NARRATOR appreciates it, however!
BEAR used BEAR!
BEAR bore left!
I wonder which of the two or three things that can lead to we're going for this time...
BOAR ran away!
...We're going with the pig I didn't notice option, fair enough...
Anyway, Plushie, hug!
PLUSHIE used HUG!
BEAR became trapped in a BEAR HUG!
BEAR cannot attack due to the BEAR HUG!
I'm going to use the item bear food
ZOE used BEAR FOOD!
ZOE gave BEAR FOOD!
BEAR cannot attack due to the BEAR HUG!
And that's the job done, so run.
ZOE withdrew PLUSHIE!
ZOE ran away!
PALM TREE appeared!
Hopefully this will go smoother as I pass it a kite. I really hate it whe--
PALM TREE wants to fight!
...Nope. It really is going to be one of those days.