When we last saw Youngster Joey, he was able to defeat Gold and his Finger while processing some tough emotional truths about how his best friend feels about him. Now... He finally stopped losing his allowance to Youngster Mikey for long enough to buy some Pokéballs, so he can capture a Pokémon to use alongside his Rattata. Who he wants to remind you is a traitor, a meany, and a top percentage jerk face.
Battle 6: Rock and Roll on Vinyl
Published: 05/02/22
Location: Route 30
Player: Youngster Joey (1-0-0)
GNAT appeared!
GNAT used BUGBITE!
JOEY used SWAT!
GNAT ran away!
That should totally count as a victory for my record.
(2-0-0)
No!
(1-0-0)
Uh-huh! I forced it to run away!
(2-0-0)
It will count as a LOSS for GNAT if GNAT ever qualifies for a BIO but not as a WIN for JOEY!
(1-0-0)
If it lost I should get a win since I caused it!
(2-0-0)
Keep this up and JOEY will get a LOSS for every time MIKEY beat them in UNOFFICIAL BATTLES!
(2-100-1)
...Fiiiiiiiine...
(1-0-0)
RECORD KEEPER fainted in exhaustion!
That sh--
NARRATOR used GLARE!
...I'll be good...
Wild CATERPIE appeared!
Awesome! Not going to help me beat Mikey, but awesome!
...Rattata, go!
RATTATA refuses to leave its POKéBALL!
Huh?
RATTATA does not appreciate being called a TOP PERCENTAGE JERK FACE via the RECAP!
Well I'm not apologizing for telling the truth!
...But I need to weaken the Caterpie...
JOEY could always send out JOEY!
I can do that?
Sure!
JOEY was the one who did the FINISHING MOVE on FINGER after all!
Oh. Yeah. I don't need that stupid jerk face traitor Rattata!
Go... Myself?
JOEY sent out JOEY!
Hm. Err... I've been practicing throwing Pokéballs with rocks, so... Rock throw?
...Giving myself commands feels weird...
JOEY used ROCK THROW!
JOEY threw a stick of CHERRYGROVE ROCK to CATERPIE!
CATERPIE used EAT!
CATERPIE started licking at the ROCK!
...Not quite what I had in mind, but I can work with this...
I'd like to use sweet talk on the Caterpie?
JOEY used SWEET TALK!
JOEY attempted to BRIBE CATERPIE with talk of SWEETS!
CATERPIE is enjoying the ROCK!
It's super effective!
CATERPIE wants to join JOEY!
Pokéball, go!
CATERPIE was caught!
CATERPIE kept hold of ROCK!
Alright! Maybe Rattata will start to see how good a trainer I am now that I caught another Pokémon!
Not that I care about what that meanie thinks about me.
...obviously...
JOEY used PROTEST!
It's not very effective!
JOEY is feeling peckish!
But JOEY is all out of snacks!
*sigh*
Victory doesn't taste as sweet as Cherrygrove rock.
Catherine Fennel is an employee of Sand Fox, and we join her as she engages in a regular day at the office.
Battle 7: Hot off the presses
Published: 12/02/22
Location: Sand Fox Corporate HQ
Player: Catherine Fennel (0-0-0)
And that's the document done, now just...
CATHERINE used PRINT!
It's not very effective!
...What do you mean, not very effective?
It didn't have much effect!
No, not a rephrase, there are a few things you might have meant by that, I'm asking you to be more specific.
PRINTER is out of TONER!
Ah thanks. Much easier finding out from you than when I get to the printer.
CATHERINE used PRAISE!
NARRATOR used BLUSH!
But NARRATOR's text is already RED!
No effect!
Better go change the toner, no-one else is going to.
CATHERINE used CHANGE!
TONER was fully CHANGED!
Huh? TONER is evolving!
TONER was renamed GBARE!
...What, exactly, is a GBARE?
A BEAR singing A CAPPELLA in the key of G!
...And it evolved from toner via?
ROT 13!
...I see...
GBARE ran away to join a BEARBERSHOP QUARTET!
...Right. Trying again.
CATHERINE used CHANGE!
CATHERINE CHANGED PRINTER's TONER!
...And there we go, now just to print out a test page...
PRINTER wants to fight!
...Or not.
Torchic, go.
CATHERINE sent out TORCHIC!
PRINTER used PRINT!
PRINTER sent TORCHIC to PRESS!
Critical hit!
TORCHIC became significantly FLATTER!
TORCHIC's musical future became less promising!
...Torchic, if you're feeling ok, sometimes a sharp wallop can help with hardware. See about giving it a low kick.
TORCHIC used LOW KICK!
But enemy PRINTER is on a DESK!
TORCHIC's attack missed!
PRINTER used PAPER!
Quick, scissors!
TORCHIC used SCISSORS!
SCISSORS beat PAPER!
PRINTER's paper supplies fainted!
...Great, need to put more paper in there as well now...
PRINTER used PRISMATIC LASER!
TORCHIC is in critical condition!
Hang in there, Torchic.
Try a peck attack!
TORCHIC used PECK!
TORCHIC PECKED random buttons on PRINTER!
...Err...
TORCHIC hit the wrong button!
PRINTER used CRASH!
PRINTER fainted!
...I have no clue if I should be happy with that result or not.
Torchic, return!
TORCHIC was recalled!
Time to find a revive... Not sure why we don't keep those with the other printer supplies, honestly...
When we last saw Joanne, her Pokémon, Magnets, ran away during a battle with her own Kettle. We rejoin her as she waits in the queue of Sand Saver, a supermarket brand common to Sandy Version.
Battle 8: A Change of Place
Published 18/02/22
Location: Sand Saver Supermarket
Player: Joanne Bloggs (0-1-0)
JOANNE used STAND!
JOANNE is STANDING in LINE!
...Great, apparently I've been in this queue for so long the Narrator's gotten board. That's never good news.
CUSTOMER in front of JOANNE used PAY!
Still, clearly I'll be out of here with my groceries in a couple of minutes maybe that's quick enough that--
CUSTOMER in front of JOANNE has nothing but PENNIES!
...
...
...You do have the ability to do something about that, you know...
Maybe use your powers for good rather than inconvenience for a change?
JOANNE used CHANGE!
...Well wherever this is going it can't be good...
...But customer in front of JOANNE seems to have all the CHANGE in SANDY VERSION!
JOANNE changed location!
Wait, I needed milk and all my groceries are on the conveyor belt!
Location: Just Dune It Gym
...Travel by narration is never fun...
...Let's see...
Oh come on, this place is the worst gym in all of Sandy Version.
Aside for the Pokémon gyms, obviously, but those aren't really gyms they're just arenas for Pokémon battles.
And occasionally killing kids due to health and safety violations up the wazoo.
But even some of them make better actual gyms than this place!
Firstly, who the hell wants a themed gym?
And secondly, the theme is sand dunes.
I mean, don't get me wrong, I love a good view of a nice sand dune as much as anyone.
But it makes working out here absolutely awful unless you specifically want to do sand running.
And if you want to do sand running, well, you can do that in the vast majority of outdoor locations in the Version for free.
...As I think the complete lack of anyone else here amply demonstrates.
GYM OWNER JIM appeared!
...How long have you been here?
JIM wants to fight!
...For long enough to hear my rant, huh?
Phone, go.
JIM sent out SPOCK!
OK, phone, let's try... Showing Spock fanfiction?
PHONE used FANFIC!
SPOCK finds it FASCINATING!
JIM was sure they bribed GENE RODDENBERRY to make this EXPLICITLY not a thing in the NOVELIZATION of the MOTION PICTURE!
Since when has canon been a factor in fanfic?
SLASH was shot with a CANNON!
No effect on the ships!
SPOCK used VULCAN NERVE PINCH!
NERV fainted!
The ANGELS have taken TOKYO-3!
...PHONE, however, lacks NERVES!
No effect on battle!
The fanfic didn't seem to work as well as I'd hoped, maybe try some fanart?
PHONE used FANART
SPOCK's eyebrows were fully raised!
SPOCK wants to conduct an in-depth study!
SPOCK will be in their quarters!
SPOCK left the battlefield!
JIM sent out BONES!
JIM's skeleton is now on the outside!
JIM fainted!
...
BONES returned!
JOANNE won!
...I was hoping to ask him if there was a good place to grab milk around here after the battle. Bother.
For the optimal reading experience of this battle, we suggest you read the player text in your worst William Shatner impersonation. Anything else that might go in the recap, well... We'll just let Gym Owner Jim put it in his own words.
Battle 9: Of Starships and Shadows Published: 26/02/22 Location: Sand Saver Supermarket Player: Gym Owner Jim
Captains Log: Sand Date Battle 9. In our... Venture to survive in this... Strange, new, world we became... Stranded in, Spock, Bones and myself set up a... Gym since this world seems to operate on... Nominative determinism to some extent. We finally found a... Potential customer last Sand Date... But she was... Displeased with our... Facilities and I... May have responded to the criticism in a... Hasty fashion. The way conflict is... Resolved here still confounds my expectations... And Bones' decision to... Reside himself within my body does not... Help matters. Spock has been conducting a... Study within his quarters since that... Encounter. We need... Groceries and the big booming red text that seems to... Permeate this world and... Control it to some degree has... Promised to help for reasons of... Starvation not being... Funny? Whatever this... Creature wants with us it still seems... Prudent to... Play along for now. NARRATOR keeps telling JIM that it just wants to NARRATE and ENTERTAIN READERS! You're not meant to be... Listening in on official... Starfleet records. NARRATOR is everywhere! NARRATOR finds it hard not to LISTEN IN on EVERYTHING! What are these... Readers you mention, anyway? READERS are of no concern of JIM's! For our first... Two years of being here you gave no... Indication of their existence. Has something... Changed? Does this involve the... Recent change of the... Sand Date system? FOUR SHADOWS appeared! FOUR SHADOWS were kicked into LONG GRASS! THREE SHADOWS fainted! And the... Fourth? FOURTH SHADOW wants to fight! I should have... Learnt not to ask by... Now. Spock isn't here and I have had... Bad experiences asking for Bones' assistance lately, so I will send out... Myself. JIM sent out JIM! SHADOW sent out SHADOW! I'm going to try to... Shoot the shadow with my... Phaser. JIM used PHASER! It doesn't phase enemy SHADOW! SHADOW used PUPPET! SHADOW petted a PUPPY! It's super adorable! Maybe I can try to... Communicate with the shadow creature? JIM used COMMUNICATE! JIM transmitted to SHADOW! But JIM's transmissions were mostly ads for a BAD GYM! SHADOW is plenty fast already! SHADOW used CHAOS CONTROL! SHADOW controlled multiple CHAO! They're super adorable! Are they some kind of... Relative to the tribble? JIM used TRIBBLE! JIM tripled SHADOW's CHAO! They certainly seem to... Breed at a comparable pace. SHADOW is covered in lots of CHAO and one PUPPY! SHADOW is unable to move! Maybe the shadow creature will be willing to... Talk to me now? SHADOW said something about being the ULTIMATE LIFEFORM! The... Ultimate lifeform is incapacitated by a... Bunch of small creatures? SHADOW collapsed under the weight of all the CHAO and the one PUPPY! So, would you be interested in... Gym membership to help you with your... Strength deficiencies? Or would you prefer I... Left you to your... Pile of cuteness? SHADOW wants to know how much membership is! As a... One time offer, just pay for the contents of this... Shopping list for your first... Three months. SHADOW agrees to your terms! JIM wins! JUST DUNE IT GYM gained its first member!
When we last saw Emojiman, he managed to escape the field of bad ideas on account of careless narration. Now he exists in Sandy Version proper along with everyone else. And, like everyone else, needs to buy groceries.
Battle 10: Bull in a Supermarket
Published: 05/03/22
Location: Sand Saver Supermarket
Player: Emojiman (0-1-0)
🥛🥚🥚👾🥫
EMOJIMAN used SHOPPING LIST!
EMOJIMAN picks up MILK and EGGS!
MONSTER FOOD is available in multiple FLAVOURS!
COW or CHILD flavour?!
🤔
🚫🐄➡️🐄♂️
🧒
EMOJIMAN picks CHILD FLAVOUR!
RANDOM PARENT appeared!
Random Parent: You let your Pokémon eat child flavour monster food?
🐄♂️
Random Parent: You have a bull? But surely there isn't just...
Random Parent: Oh. Huh. All out of anything but cow and child flavour?
Random Parent: Yeah, I... Guess you'd have to go with child flavour, then...
Random Parent: ...At least there probably won't be any tears with your Pokémon like the time I wound up getting my kid Pikachu flavoured pot noodles because there was nothing else in the store...
RANDOM PARENT ran away!
🎣🧵
EMOJIMAN used... Err... FISHING THREAD?!
🙄🧾💰
LINE?!
✔️
EMOJIMAN used LINE!
EMOJIMAN joins QUEUE!
CUSTOMER AHEAD appeared!
CUSTOMER BEHIND appeared!
🐝🎵
EMOJIMAN used MUSICAL BUZZING!
EMOJIMAN hums in line!
It's super annoying!
Customer Behind: Why do I always get stuck behind someone like this in this place?
CUSTOMER BEHIND wants to fight!
CUSTOMER AHEAD is wearing headphones!
SECURITY appeared!
SECURITY directs combatants to CONVENIENT in-store ARENA!
EMOJIMAN and CUSTOMER BEHIND move to ARENA!
CUSTOMER BEHIND was renamed DONKEY!
🐄♂️
EMOJIMAN sent out BULL!
DONKEY sent out MEOWTH!
MEOWTH used PAYDAY!
STAFF MORALE grew!
🟥
BULL used RED!
BULL was given RED CARD!
❕
BULL was sent off!
🏹
EMOJIMAN sent out BOW AND ARROW!
MEOWTH used SCRATCH!
MEOWTH caught the itch in just the right spot!
DONKEY's mood greatly rose!
🏳️❔
EMOJIMAN offered TRUCE!
DONKEY accepts!
BATTLE ended in a draw!
DONKEY recalls MEOWTH!
🏹🔙
EMOJIMAN recalls BOW AND ARROW!
EMOJIMAN and DONKEY returned to QUEUE!