This is the first bit of prose I wrote, and... Well, let's be honest. It shows. Actually of all the things I've reread for this, this has been the most painful for me to reread - I'm not claiming my prose is great today, but I'm sure it's better than this.
There are a lot of things about this beyond the technical stuff that I'm unhappy with, but the overall concept isn't terrible - And a Narrator attempting to create a Doompuff ripoff is... Unusual, and not something I dislike.
This is also the page where this version of Sandy's layout is most intact of the ones I've seen in this commentary project, and I maintain that this isn't terrible by modern standards, at least on a monitor. The only real thing that's an issue with it is how much of the screen around is white space with modern resolutions.