When we last saw Horace, he was able to catch a vampire but in the process his Werewolf was renamed Weerwollf and the vampire he caught was renamed Vapir. His attempts to fix this problem have thus far been unsuccessful.
Battle 21: A Rose by Any Other Name
Published: 04/06/22
Location: Goldenrod City
Player: Horace Hunter (1-0-0)
Not much luck finding the Name Rater so far, first there was that celebrity mole who just wouldn't shut up for many hours about saving my game...
The NAMED RANTER!
...Then the goat with all the salt...
The NA EATER!
And the robot that just kept saying 'node 5 not defined' over and over...
The NAM ERROR!
But I think I've finally tracked the Name Rater to this city...
NAME RATER appeared!
Aha! There you are!
NAME RATER puts HORACE HUNTER into D tier and wonders if their PARENTS liked them!
I'm not here for you to rate my name, I want you to rate my Pokémon's names. They got all messed up in a prior battle, and I need to fix them!
NAME RATER looked closer!
NAME RATER puts WEERWOLLF into F TIER and thinks HORACE needs to put more LOVE and CARE into their names!
I didn't name my Werewolf Weerwollf! All its moves messed up its name last battle. I'd like to rename it!
NAME RATER puts VAPIR into GARBAGE TIER and is angry at HORACE for giving such awful names to innocent POKéMON!
Why won't you listen to me and just let me rename them back to what they used to be called?
NAME RATER wants to fight!
...Maybe you'll let me rename my monsters if I take you down in combat? WEERWOLLF, go!
HORACE sent out WEERWOLLF!
NAME RATER sent out TIER LIST!
...Hm, maybe try a gnaw attack?
WEERWOLLF used GNAW!
WEERWOLLF used TIER LIST's tires as a CHEW TOY!
TIRES don exist!
It doesn't affect enemy TIER LIST!
TIER LIST used sort!
WEERWOLLF was renamed EEFLLORWW!
It's super alphabetical!
NAME RATER is in pain at how bad a NAME EEFLLORWW is!
See! It's not my doing! My monsters are somehow getting renamed during battles, please help them!
HORACE used PLEAD!
EEFLLORWW gained a LEAD P!
EEFLLORWW was renamed PEEFLLORWW
NAME RATER: Aaarrrgh! You made it worse!
NAME RATER is in CRITICAL CONDITION!
TIER LIST used OPINION!
TIER LIST finds BODILY FUNCTIONS amusing!
TIER LIST moves PEEFLLORWW up a TIER!
NAME RATER fainted in agony!
TIER LIST ran away!
TIER LIST escaped!
But... I need to rename my monsters...
NAME RATER would not have been able to do that!
NAME RATER RATES NAMES!
NAME Rater cannot CHANGE NAMES!
NAMES only change upon EVOLUTION and the WHIMS of NARRATOR!
No. All this time wasted not hunting monsters... On a quest that was doomed to fail?
In Battle 14, Ben's Ekans was stolen. Now he awaits the return of his Big Brother, Jacob, from Johto for help getting it back. His mother, Beth, has some bad news to tell him first, however.
Battle 22: Ben's Journey Begins
Published: 11/06/22
Location: Ben's House
Player: Youngster Ben (0-1-0)
Mum Beth: ...Ben, we need to talk.
What did I do this time?!
Mum Beth: Nothing, honey. I just have some... News... I need to tell you
...I'm not going to like this news, am I?
Mum Beth: No. Especially not after...
Mum Beth: ...
...You can say 'my Ekans got stolen by a 10-year-old kid working for the mob'.
Not over it, but I'm not going to break down into tears if I hear it.
Get more worked up in anger about it, maybe, but... That anger feels justified.
When Jacob gets back from Johto, he said he'd help me recover it.
He's an awesome trainer.
The kid won't know what hit him.
...Neither will Team Rocket, come to think of it.
Mum Beth: ...That's... The news...
...Huh?
Mum Beth: Jacob... Was taken prisoner.
...In Johto?!
Mum Beth: Apparently both Johto and Kanto have... Problems... At the moment.
...
Mum Beth: ...Though at least there's not a hint or rumour of Rocket taking any teens captive...
...
Mum Beth: ...Are you ok, dear? I know it's hard to take in, but don't go evolving into a protagonist on me...
...No...
Mum Beth: There's no use denying it... I'm... Sorry...
No.
Mum Beth: ...
I'm not letting this happen.
Mum Beth: ...I... I can't lose you as well.
...
...
...I'm not asking for permission, Mum.
Mum Beth: ...
Mum Beth: At least... At least start with your Ekans.
...Huh?
Mum Beth: I just... I know I'm not going to be able to stop you.
Mum Beth: Even if I beat you in a battle you'd just run away as soon as my back was turned.
Mum Beth: The worst I've heard Rocket doing to a kid you're age who got in their way was steal all her pokémon when she got in their way.
Yeah, they just seem to like stealing Pokémon. And running the old casino in Celadon.
Mum Beth: And that means getting your Ekans back is probably safer for you to start with.
Mum Beth: ...I'm not going to tell you to not rescue your brother after you've done that. Because... Because I know you wouldn't listen.
Mum Beth: So... According to the Sandy Dex, your brother's last official battle was against a Youngster called Joey. Joey also seems to have stolen his Grindstone.
...You look at the Sandy Dex?
Mum Beth: I get notified of all you and Jacob's official battles. I like to take an interest in what my sons are up to. Odd glitch with it right now, Jacob seems to be being listed under Joey rather than as his own entry. I'm sure the Record Keeper will fix that in due course.
Mum Beth: I don't know if Joey took Jacob prisoner or if it was someone else, but... Joey won the battle, Jacob lost it, and Joey now has Jacob's Grindstone.
Mum Beth: Joey seems to have a lot more Pokémon than you. A Rattata, a Butterfree, and now Jacob's Grindstone. Meanwhile, right now you've just got a Rattata.
Mum Beth: And I'm not saying don't go rescue Jacob because on some level I want you to beat the snot out of whoever took him prisoner, Joey or otherwise, and bring Jacob home, and if I'm honest, that instinct is fighting my desire to lock you in your room where I know nothing can hurt you.
Mum Beth: Unless your bed wanted a fight or something - There's only so much you can do to stay safe...
Mum Beth: So... Take it slow. Raid Team Rocket. Rescue Ekans. And if you're feeling powerful enough after that...
Mum Beth: ...Well...
Mum Beth: ...You've always been better with Pokémon and the Narrator than I ever have...
Mum Beth: Just be sure I have at least one son coming home safely, you hear?
...NARRATOR was expecting a BATTLE!
...Sometimes things just get resolved by talking, you know?
I mean, you're everywhere, you've got to have noticed that before, right?
...
...READERS were implicitly promised a BATTLE!
Who are these 'reader' things, anyway?
No concern of BEN's!
Mum Beth: ...I packed your backpack.
...?!
Mum Beth: There were a couple of ways I thought this conversation might go, and...
Mum Beth: ...I figured you'd want to leave sooner rather than later if the conversation went in this direction.
Wait, you... Knew I'd be heading off to rescue Ekans and then Jacob?
Mum Beth: Well, no. I also made sure to get a lot of comfort food in, and dug some old stuffed animals out of the attic that used to make you feel better when you were a toddler. I figured you'd either be leaving to rescue them both or catatonic from grief...
...That's... Err... Right...
Cheers for the prepped backpack, I'll be off now. Love you.
...I'm not going to tell you not to worry, because I know that's impossible, but I'm going to going to make it home.
DOOR wants to fight!
...Come on! After that emotional conversation, you want me to...
Fine!
Rattata, go!
BEN sent out RATTATA!
Rattata, try a gnaw attack!
RATTATA used GNAW!
RATTATA gnawed at the DOOR!
RATTATA's teeth are in good condition!
DOOR's panelling... isn't!
DOOR used AJAR!
RATTATA was trapped under a JAR!
...But RATTATA isn't a WASP!
JAR ran away!
RATTATA is freed from the JAR!
Rattata, keep it up!
RATTATA's attack continued!
DOOR is in critical condition!
DOOR used KNOCK!
DOOR is knocking on fainting's door!
...Pokéball, go?
BEN threw a POKéBALL!
DOOR was caught!
...Err... Sorry about the... Err... Need for a replacement door, mum, but...
...Right now I think I'm going to need all the Pokémon I can get, so I'm going to take it with me?
Mum Beth: ...Honestly I'm just surprised that's never happened before, raising two kids who want to train Pokémon...
READERS got their BATTLE!
Mail Carrier Sam is just trying to do their daily rounds. Unfortunately, they aren't entirely enthused by one particular street on those rounds.
Battle 23: How To Deal with Dogs and Narrators
Published: 18/06/22
Location: Collie Road
Player: Mail Carrier Sam (0-0-0)
OK... Just... Get in. Get out. Hope to be too fast for the inevitable dog puns.
NARRATOR whistles innocently!
Don't give me that bs, we both know you wait until I get to this part of my route before assaulting me with dog puns.
This is considered the worst route in the Version because it has this road on it.
...Last time it was a Houndoom biting my ass...
...Must have jumped a full six feet into the air...
And this is NARRATOR's fault, how?!
There aren't even any dog owners on this street!
NARRATOR has a DEAL for SAM!
...I'm listening...
NARRATOR promises NO DOG PUNS this MONTH if SAM amuses NARRATOR!
...Err...
What do you get if you cross a sheep with a Kangaroo?
A woolly jumper.
...
...
...NARRATOR suspects that was MOCKERY rather than an EARNEST ATTEMPT!
...You caught me, would you prefer something more sophisticated?
NARRATOR has however accepted BRIBES from 8 YEAR OLDS in the form of JOKE BOOKS before!
Implications that NARRATOR would be amused by ANTIQUE PUNNING RIDDLES aren't THAT much more INSULTING!
SAM is safe from DOG PUNS!
For now!
Great. I'll just deliver to this road now, then.
COLLIE ROAD used WILD ENCOUNTER!
Wild CAULIFLOWER appeared!
...You said no dog puns...
NARRATOR did!
This is clearly a VEGETABLE PUN!
...Goddamnit...
Wild CAULIFLOWER wants to fight!
Yeah. Figured.
Pidove, go!
SAM sent out PIDOVE!
CAULIFLOWER sent out CAULIFLOWER!
Pidove, deliver!
Maybe I can do my route while in the battle...
PIDOVE used DELIVER!
PIDOVE removed CAULIFLOWER's LIVER!
But CAULIFLOWER is a VEGETABLE!
No effect!
Darn.
CAULIFLOWER used CHEESE!
CAULIFLOWER CHEESED it!
...As in... Ran away?
PIDOVE was fully CHEESED!
PIDOVE fainted!
...Oh. Guess that figures. Go... Me?
SAM sent out SAM!
Post!
SAM used POST!
SAM sent CAULIFLOWER a NOTE!
...Try and work with me here...
CAULIFLOWER used BITE!
CAULIFLOWER bit SAM's BUTT!
Aaarrrrrgh!
How does that even make sense! It's a vegetable!
SAM used LEAP!
8 feet 7 inches!
...Interesting!
CAULIFLOWER ran away!
...Goddamnit...
SAM seems to get MORE HEIGHT from VEGETABLE related BITES compared to DOG related BITES!
...What.
More data is, however, REQUIRED!
NARRATOR is looking forward to a MONTH of EXPERIMENTATION!
Both of PUNS and of JUMP INCENTIVES!
...Goddamnit I walked right into this...
When we last saw Joey, he realized that humans are Pokémon, and concluded that to be considered a true Pokémon Master and win the respect of his Rattata back he would need to conquer Johto. We join him as he conducts research into how to achieve this goal.
Battle 24: Hitting the Books
Published: 25/06/22
Location: Earl's Pokémon Academy Library
Player: Youngster Joey (4-0-0)
...No.
...No.
...Huh, that's cool...
Hm?!
Every 50 battles? Neat.
Oh, that!
...Wait, no, sidetrack. Checking the next one...
STACK of BOOKS used DEPLETE!
JOEY has nearly run out of BOOKS!
HEAP of BOOKS used GROW!
...JOEY has a lot of TIDYING UP to do!
...Oh, huh. Yeah. Guess I've been a bit...
142 books lay open in various states on FLOOR behind JOEY!
...Aheh.
You'd have thought there'd be some info on political structures in a school library...
EARL DERVISH appeared!
EARL sees HEAP!
Earl: Study are you?
...I... are?
I mean, yes, I am.
Earl: Ooh, la la! Very indeed nice!
Can't seem to find the info I want, though...
NARRATOR thinks that is OBVIOUS from the GROWING MOUND!
...Yeah, I guess...
Earl: Teach you, I will! What do you want to know?
Who's in charge of Johto?
Earl: Controls all, Narrator does! Or some say, sometimes.
...
SPECIFIC BOOK in STACK ran away!
...Huh?
SPECIFIC BOOK's ink was running!
Oh. Makes sense, I guess.
I mean on a more... Human... Level?
Earl: Johto is organized on a city level. Leaders of gyms lead cities. Johto deeds reside in Johto Sand Castle. But no one has them.
...So... What would happen if someone were to catch this 'Johto Deed' Pokémon?
Earl: Johto deeds are not Pokémon. They're...
EARL used THINK!
EARL remembered that their CUP of COFFEE turned into a POKéMON this morning!
Earl: ...A winner would be them, I suppose.
I presume it's well guarded? For our safety, I mean?
Earl: ...
EARL went PALE!
Earl: ...Smart student you are...
Earl: ...Earl needs to go... Give a suggestion to gym leaders...
EARL ran away!
That would be a 'no', then. Better hurry before the gym leaders act on my suggestion to guard it.
HEAP wants to fight!
HEAP sent out HEAP!
...Heh... OK, sure. I could use figuring out this mechanic.
I'd like to send out Jacob's Bidoof?
Oak: Now is not the time to use that!
Figured it wouldn't be so simple.
Jacob, go.
JOEY sent out JACOB!
Send out your Bidoof. Kinda similar to Rattata, so should be able to figure that one out.
...Hopefully easier to please.
JACOB sent out BIDOOF!
HEAP used PILE!
But HEAP is a HEAP, not a PILE!
Attack failed!
OK, Bidoof--
JOEY has not sent out BIDOOF!
...
...Huh...
Jacob, get Bidoof to use scratch?
BIDOOF used SCRATCH!
Ah, ok. So it seems to work as if I'm commanding Bidoof, I just have to phrase it as a command to Jacob.
...Kind of makes me sound weird, but I guess it makes sense.
BOOK was transformed into OTTER LITTER!
HEAP was slightly diminished!
HEAP used FALL!
But no TREEs were around to hear!
...Hmm...
Jacob, try having Bidoof use a water gun. See if we can cause multiple books' ink to run at once.
BIDOOF used WATER GUN!
...HEAP was soaked!
...
PAGES are sticking together!
BOOKS in HEAP are getting RUINED!
HEAP ran away!
Jacob, return Bidoof and then come back.
JACOB withdrew BIDOOF!
JOEY withdrew JACOB!
And that takes care of my mess.
...
...OK, yeah, even I'm not convinced by that one...
JOEY used TIDY!
JOEY is 8!
TORN pages and BIDOOF FUR are in an OBVIOUS pile under RANDOM RUG!
It's not very effective!
Done!
...But JOEY is 8!
JOEY thinks it was super effective!
JOEY walks away in the knowledge of a job well done!
Player: Youngster Mikey (0-0-2)
...OK, so... Apparently a train carrying a ton of water crashed into a school library...?
...And... Joey clearly tidied it up...
To be fair, I've been in his room, this is a better job than he normally does...
...I've never seen him read anything that isn't specifically related to the best practices for caring for Rattatas, though... Can't get my head around why he'd be in a library.
Narrator, next location he's doing something significant in, I want to ask him what's going on, so you can announce my presence when I catch up.
MIKEY is out of JOKE BOOKS!
...You said I could keep this going for as long as I wanted, that implies I get to end it when I want!
NARRATOR was simply giving a heads up that MIKEY won't be able to reengage STEALTH MODE!
Oh. Sorry. Yeah, I understand that. Thanks for the confirmation prompt.
MIKEY was set to the same NARRATION CHANNEL as JOEY once more!
...Huh. Narration channels are a real thing? I thought they were just a playground myth. Like Mew being under a truck in Kanto...
With the Gosslords currently occupying her office, Catherine Fennel has been finding herself with a lot more free time on her hands. Let's join her as she finds something to do.
Battle 25: Forest Heat
Published: 02/07/22
Location: Sand Forest Path
Player: Catherine Fennel (1-1-0)
Torchic, come out.
CATHERINE sent out TORCHIC!
Hey, thought a walk would do us good. Well, me some good. Something to do while the office is closed due to... Err... 'Undisclosed reasons' and Joanne's busy.
Guess that means they haven't figured out what to do about the Gosslord issue the office currently has, huh?
TORCHIC agrees!
TORCHIC runs around CATHERINE's feet happily!
TORCHIC starts herding CATHERINE off the path!
Heh. You want to explore, huh?
CATHERINE lets TORCHIC take the lead!
TORCHIC wanders into UNDERBUSH!
CATHERINE used FOLLOW!
Location: Sand Forest Oasis Clearing
Oh. Wow.
Didn't know this was here.
TORCHIC runs over to WATER happily!
TORCHIC used DRINK!
TORCHIC drank CLEAR WATER!
The forest just clears into a desert oasis.
I mean, I guess it makes given that palm trees are literally the only type of tree in all of Sandy Version, and there's so much sand, but...
Somehow usually lakes in forests look less... Desert oasis, like?
OASIS used ERUPT!
...What?!
NARRATOR said that OASIS used ERUPT!
I heard you the first time, I was just surprised is all.
SASSIE appeared from the ERUPTING OASIS!
...Is that a regional variant of a Lapras?
SASSIE is the LOCH SAND MONSTER!
...Given the links between Lapras and the Loch Ness Monster, I'm going to take that as a yes...
...Fair!
Torchic, I'm guessing Sassie's water/ground, so focus on evasion. Try getting some pecks in while you dodge.
TORCHIC used DODGE PECK!
TORCHIC PECKED at a DODGE!
...Not asking where that car came from, hopefully we can use it.
SASSIE used SAND ATTACK!
SASSIE attacked SAND!
But this is SANDY VERSION!
SAND is EVERYWHERE!
No effect!
Torchic, you're a fire type. Think you can hot wire a car?
TORCHIC used HOTWIRE!
TORCHIC made DODGE's WIRES HOT with EMBERS!
TORCHIC took CONTROL of DODGE!
DODGE became 50% more on FIRE!
SASSIE used BUBBLE BEAM!
SASSIE BEAMED at BUB!
BUBBLE BOBBLE!
Play it at your LOCAL ARCADE 35 years ago!
...I'm not even going to ask how the economics of that ad read makes sense...
Torchic, can you ram the dodge into Sassie?
TORCHIC used CONTROL!
DODGE used RAM!
SHEEP appeared!
Singular or plural?
PLURAL!
Very, very PLURAL!
SHEEP used STAMPEDE!
SASSIE was TRAMPLED!
SASSIE is in critical condition!
SHEEP used DRINK!
OASIS ran dry!
OASIS fainted!
SHEEP ran away!
DODGE's FIRE increased to 100%!
DODGE used EXPLODE!
DODGE fainted!
TORCHIC fainted!
CATHERINE sent out CATHERINE!
Well, just you and me, Sassie...
And I have a Pokéball.
CATHERINE threw a POKéBALL!
SASSIE was caught!
Probably better head back so I can heal Torchic...
...And avoid the wrath of whoever owned that Dodge, come to think of it.