Husbands to be, Cecil and Sean, both agreed to marry each other by each of their respective traditions. And while things went smoothly under Sean's traditions, it seems that Sean didn't quite comprehend what Cecil's traditions would entail...
Battle 136: We Are Gathered Here Today
Published: 12/10/24
Location: Classical Monster Preserve: Outlands
Player: Sentry Sean (0-0-3)
Mate...
Centaur Cecil: We had a wedding ceremony by your traditions. We agreed to have one by mine as well.
Yeah, but...
WILD CYCLOPSE appeared!
WILD CYCLOPSE wants to fight!
...Collecting a cyclopse molar?!
I thought the whole idea of these lands was guarding the classical monsters of myth and legend, mate?
Centaur Cecil: Indeed that is the purpose of these lands.
Centaur Cecil: And while exceptions are sometimes struck for population control, this cyclopse is an old roommate of mine, and volunteered to aid us in our quest for matrimony.
Then why is he attacking us, mate?
Centaur Cecil: I believe the term in your vernacular would be 'toothache.' He was never particularly good with pain.
Mate, you mean to tell me that to be considered married by your tradition we need to perform unlicensed dentistry on a Cyclopse who goes into a rage when in pain?!
Centaur Cecil: Indeed.
Centaur Cecil: And do not forget the condition. No allies. Just us.
...I remember it, mate. I just was picturing something less... Combaty... When you said collect a randomly selected item.
Centaur Cecil: Where would the quest be in something entirely devoid of combat? The entire point of the ritual is to prove we operate as a team.
Sure thing, mate. Myself, go.
CECIL sent out CECIL!
SEAN sent out SEAN!
CYCLOPSE sent out CYCLOPSE!
CYCLOPSE used MEAN LOOK!
SEAN and CECIL became trapped!
We weren't planning on running away, mate.
CECIL used GALLOP!
CECIL's speed greatly rose!
Mate, the eye looks like an obvious weak point. Try and shoot it. I'll guard you.
Centaur Cecil: I believe the word you're looking for is cover, but I concur that that makes a good plan.
SEAN used COVER!
SEAN covered CENTAUR with a TOWEL
...Not quite what I had in mind, mate, but maybe it will work like a parrot?
CYCLOPSE becomes convinced it's night!
Perfect. I guess. Night night, mate.
CYCLOPSE is confused!
CYCLOPSE hurt itself in its confusion!
...Maaate...
NARRATOR gave SEAN a good result!
I was hoping for sleep when you did the towel gag.
SEAN should be GRATEFUL NARRATOR didn't go with a HITCHHIKING gag!
I'll be good, mate.
SEAN used ARROW SHOT!
SEAN shot ARROW!
ARROW died!
CYCLOPSE used RAGE!
...But CYCLOPSE cannot see!
CYCLOPSE used BLIND RAGE instead!
Various SMALL ANIMALS fainted in the shockwaves!
It's largely ineffectual against CECIL and SEAN!
OK, mate... You're a bit larger than me... But that just makes your bags about the right height for my punches.
...Please tell NARRATOR it is not INTERPRETING what SEAN just declared CORRECTLY!
Mate, if I've accidentally made one large weak spot inaccessible, we'll just have to go for another.
...From what I know about this region and its ancient Greek theming, mate, I don't think cups are commonly used around here.
SEAN used PUNCHING BAGS!
Hit two times!
Critical hit!
CYCLOPSE has worse pain than TOOTHACHE now!
CYCLOPSE is paralyzed, it might not attack!
CYCLOPSE used COLLAPSE!
CYCLOPSE fell to the ground!
CECIL used EXTRACT!
CECIL performed UNLISCENSED but CONSENSUAL DENTISTRY on CYCLOPSE!
CECIL acquired MOLAR!
CYCLOPSE fainted!
Should we put a blanket over him, mate? Keep him warm until he wakes up?
Centaur Cecil: Under normal circumstances, I would agree that is good hospitality.
Mate?
Centaur Cecil: As I said earlier, I used to share a room with this gentleman. He has a tendency to drool in his sleep, and I am yet to determine a method of getting the stains of his saliva out from bedding. To say nothing of the smell.
What about his lower body, mate?
Centaur Cecil: If you insist, I won't prevent you from doing so.
SEAN used COVER!
SEAN covered BOTTOM of CYCLOPSE's CHITON with BLANKET!
CYCLOPSE used SNUGGLE!
CYCLOPSE snuggled up with SEAN's BLANKET in its faint induced sleep!
...Maaaate...
Centaur Cecil: I did attempt to warn you...
CYCLOSPE used DROOL!
CYCLOPSE coated SEAN's in THICK LAYER of DROOL!
...Mate, let's call it a gift to your old friend for his aid in our quest.
NIGHT used fall!
It's super effective!
SUN fainted!
MOON was fully revived!
The ETERNAL BATTLE between DAY and NIGHT rages on!
I... I'd rather not leave him, mate...
Centaur Cecil: If you wish to guard him while he slumbers, I will await his arousal with you. For we are now formally - per both our cultures - as you would put it... Mates.
...Mate...
SEAN used BLUSH!
It's super effective!
SEAN's PINK GLOW acts as their own GUARDLIGHT!
Jacob recently contacted Ben at the request of the Narrator, in the hopes that he would return to take care of some business Ben is well qualified for.
Battle 137: Homecoming
Published: 19/10/24
Location: Nettlemouth Cave (Exterior)
Player: Big Bro Jacob (1-1-3)
Where is BEN?!
He said he was about half a day away from your influence's border about half a day ago.
BEN hasn't come in SOMEWHERE ELSE!
NARRATOR is getting impatient!
...Oh. I see him. He's... Close. Sat on a rock.
Where?!
That way? Aren't you omnipresent or something?
NARRATOR can't see outside its own INFLUENCE!
...I'll go and see what's up.
Location: Border of the Narratorless Lands
Jacob left the familiar red mist denoting the Narrator's presence, and into the barren rocky outcropping just outside of the Narrator's influence. A short walk away, he saw Ben stand up. "Jacob?" He ran to his brother, and embraced in a hug, his Raticate not far behind. The first familial contact with a human he'd had for many months.
"The Narrator can't perceive you out here, which means it can't..." Jacob paused. "Negotiate for your cooperation? How were things out here? I know you liked to keep it brief on the phone"
"There's flora out here like you wouldn't believe. There are trees that don't attack you! That aren't palm trees! Oaks. Elms. Birches."
"...Why are they all named after famous Pokémon Professors?"
"Not a clue. The way the adults I was travelling with spoke suggested they weren't naming them either." He paused. "I... I should see what the Narrator has to say, I guess. Then... Then if it's acceptable go and see Mom."
Jacob let his brother go and stepped back into the red mist indicating its presence. Ben hesitated. "Ok... I can do this. Just a step in, close enough to the border that I can leap out if need be."
Location: Nettlemouth Cave (Exterior)
Player: Youngster Ben (6-2-9)
YOUNGSTER BEN appeared!
Yeah. I did.
RATICATE appeared!
...Honestly, I've kind of missed the redundance of that...
...So... How have you been?
NARRATOR was... Not EXPECTING to open with SMALLTALK considering how things ENDED last time NARRATOR spoke to BEN!
...This is awkward enough already and I'm weirdly nostalgic for the interactions with you I grew to resent and hate.
NARRATOR has been FINE!
NARRATOR has been making PUNS and helped save SANDY from an ARMY of GLITCHES!
How has BEN been?!
...And somehow you going along with the small talk makes it even weirder than drawing attention to it.
Well?!
I've been good. Exploring the world outside of your borders. I found trees that didn't attack me when close... They were safe to climb.
Sounds FUN!
...I... Slaughtered a Narrator nest?
...
...
...My... Travelling companions didn't trust me nearly as much after that.
...
...Is that going to be a problem for us working together?
...Honestly?!
...Yeah?
...PROBABLY for the BEST!
...Huh?
NARRATOR is starting to think BEN was right!
...Right... How?
Just between us MONSTERS?!
Big Bro Jacob: Hey!
Raticate: Rat!
...And JACOB and RATICATE!
Big Bro Jacob: Better. Not keen on you calling my brother a monster, though.
...Sure.
NARRATOR is starting to think it MAKES things WORSE!
NARRATOR doubts others of its KIND would be much better!
NARRATOR also has ZERO DOUBT the GLITCHES would have been MUCH WORSE!
...As would the ALPHABETICAL ORDER if they are ALLOWED to INVADE!
So...?
NARRATOR wants BEN to destroy the SAFE HOUSES to REDUCE their POWER when they ATTACK!
...Because you want me as your chosen one again?
Because NARRATOR wants to HIRE an EXPERT in DESTRUCTION for a JOB!
Job implies payment.
NARRATOR will REMOVE the RIGGED EVOLUTION STONE from inside of BEN!
...We both know if you do that you have zero leverage on me to prevent me from recalling you. Why would you do that?
NARRATOR no longer thinks SANDY needs a NARRATOR!
NARRATOR thinks the only thing NARRATOR is good for is FIGHTING other GODS!
NARRATOR thinks BEN was right to CATCH it!
NARRATOR wants BEN to recall it, only sending it out again if ANOTHER GOD attacks SANDY again!
...
...
...Heh.
Hahahaha...
BEN used UNHINGED LAUGHTER!
It's super unnerving!
...Don't you see?
If I reject it, I'm leaving a god who I know shouldn't exist in control of the world.
And if I accept it I'm proving the god right by allowing myself to become its chosen one, wielder of itself.
...Either way. You win.
Does BEN really think this is a COMPETITION?!
...You're lecturing me on what is and isn't a competition?
You literally grade us on whether we win, lose, or draw every. Single. Interaction. You twist reality into one of fighting. Of battle. You get disappointed when interactions don't involve people either hitting each other or sending out their Pokémon to do so.
NARRATOR is getting better at that last one!
NARRATOR has been letting OFFICIAL BATTLES not become PHYSICAL CONFLICT lately!
And what does that do to your precious records?
...The RECORD KEEPER counts them as DRAWS!
Even when you don't reduce interactions to a battle you still treat the result as if they were one.
Big Bro Jacob: Couldn't you hand the Comma to someone else?
...Trust someone else to have a literal god at their beck and call?
Sounds like a great idea.
Frankly, I don't even trust myself with that sort of power. I threw the comma into the nettle patch in the first place for a reason.
But. Sure. Whatever. Narrator wins, as usual. Ben loses. Add that to my record.
(6-3-9)
Couldn't resist, could you?
Cancel that!
BEN was being METAPHORICAL!
No one LOST!
(6-2-9)
...Huh?
NARRATOR isn't actually in CONTROL of the RECORD KEEPER!
NARRATOR just EMPLOYS them and gives them the GENERAL PARAMETERS of how to CLASSIFY BATTLE results!
But, fine. I'll blow up the Safehouses. You then deal with the Alphabetical Order or whatever. Then we'll figure out what to do about you, I guess. At some point, you remove the evolution stone.
...And then I guess I get to decide if I should give up and become your chosen one, or let your undeserved reign of control continue.
NARRATOR appreciates it!
Fuck. You.
Preschooler Kaleb enjoys playing at the beach. Even in the depths of Autumn, when ghost Pokémon are at their most active.
Battle 138: Sands United
Published: 26/10/24
Location: Hano Beach
Player: Preschooler Kaleb (0-0-0)
KALEB used PLAY!
KALEB is PLAYING at the BEACH!
Oh! Sandcastles! I should make sandcastles!
NARRATOR checks TIME of YEAR!
...NARRATOR isn't sure that's such a GOOD IDEA!
Huh? Why?
GHOST POKéMON can get FEISTY this time of year!
My bro is super strong at Pokémon you know.
NARRATOR is aware!
I borrowed my bro's Pokémon.
Without asking, actually.
NARRATOR narrated it this MORNING!
Oh, right! Sorry.
I forgot to bring a spade...
Oh! There's one.
KALEB used FETCH!
KALEB collected BIG STICK!
On the spade, silly!
...Fine!
KALEB used FETCH!
KALEB grabbed SPADE sticking out of EXISTANT SANDCASTLE!
EXISTANT SANDCASTLE was renamed SANDYGAST!
...Err... Hi?
NARRATOR tried to WARN KALEB!
NARRATOR tried to STOP KALEB!
SANDYGAST likes the SHOVEL on its HEAD!
SANDYGAST wants to fight!
Heh! I'll beat you, no sweat!
Kangaskhan, go!
KALEB sent out KANGASKHAN!
SANDYGAST sent out SANDYGAST!
Sucker punch.
KANGASKHAN used SUCKER PUNCH!
KANGASKHAN's attack failed!
SANDYGAST used SANDSTORM!
A SANDSTORM brewed!
The SANDSTORM rages!
KANGASKHAN took damage from the SANDSTORM!
Hm. Maybe a Bite?
SANDYGAST used HYPNOSIS!
KANGASKHAN fell asleep!
KANGASKHAN is fast asleep!
The SANDSTORM came to a BOIL!
...Is that how that's meant to work?
KANGASKHAN was hit by BOILING SAND!
KANGASKHAN fainted!
No! My big bro's Pokémon...
My bro's Pokémon is super strong.
Why did I lose?!
KALEB was dragged out!
...Oh. This is probably not good...
Run?
Cannot escape!
SANDYGAST used SHADOW BALL!
Aaaaah!
Punch!
It didn't affect KALEB!
That's a relief.
KALEB used PUNCH!
SANDYGAST positioned its MOUTH for KALEB's hand!
What? Why?!
SANDYGAST took control of KALEB!
...
SANDYGAST assigned KALEB to gather SAND!
...right away...
KALEB used GATHER!
KALEB gathered sand!
KALEB added sand to SANDYGAST!
SANDYGAST assigned KALEB to gather sand!
...right away...
Time: 3 Days Later
KALEB added sand to SANDYGAST!
Hasn't SANDYGAST been doing this for LONG ENOUGH already?!
SANDYGAST assigned KALEB to gather sand!
Evidently not!
...right aw--
KALEB collapsed from exhaustion!
KALEB fainted!
...Hopefully!
Huh?! SANDYGAST is evolving!
SANDYGAST evolved into PALOSSAND!
PALOSSAND used BURY!
PALOSSAND buried KALEB inside itself!
Welp!
PALOSSAND used SAP!
PALOSSAND sapped KALEB of their VITALITY!
It's super effective!
KALEB died!
PALOSSAND used CONSUME!
PALOSSAND consumed KALEB's SOUL!
Last time, Palossand consumed Kaleb after having him help it gather enough sand to evolve into Palossand. However... Each of Palossand's grains of sand has its own will.
Battle 139: Sands Divided
Published: 02/11/24
Location: Hano Beach
Player: Palossand Grain #24375 (1-0-0)
Come on! It's my turn with the lifeless remains of the kid!
GRAIN #24375 wants to EAT!
Exactly!
And don't give me a toenail this time. Give me something tastier!
KNUCKLE BONE came into PROXIMITY of GRAIN #24375!
Aw, come on!
There isn't any soul in bones!
PALOSSAND thinks most of KALEB's remains are DRIED BONES!
I didn't get any of the good stuff!
GRAIN #24376 through #24385 think GRAIN #24375 is being WHINY!
GRAIN #24367 through #24373 agree with GRAIN #24376 through #24385!
GRAIN #24374 takes #24375's side!
I knew I could count on you, Fourey
GRAIN #24374 hates the nickname FOUREY!
Aw, are you mad about it?
GRAIN #24374 is FURIOUS about it!
Should have seen that one coming.
GRAIN #24374 wants to fight!
But we're part of the same Pokémon!
GRAIN #24374 sent out GRAIN #24374!
Fine. Myself, go.
GRAIN #2475 sent out GRAIN #24375!
Bone block.
GRAIN #24375 used BONE BLOCK!
GRAIN #24375 defended itself with KNUCKLE BONE!
GRAIN #24374 used TACKLE!
...Needless to say, it was not very effective!
In your face Fourey!
GRAIN #24374 used FURY CUTTER!
GRAIN #24375 was hit with MUCH FURY!
Sand attack!
GRAIN #24375 used SAND ATTACK!
SAND just attacked SAND with SAND!
ADJACENT GRAINS of SAND were dragged into the CONFLICT!
Hey, foureyes. Looks like you getting mad at me started a riot!
GRAIN #24374 thinks GRAIN 24375 is more RESPONSIBLE for this than it is!
Does it matter? This is the most entertaining thing to happen to us since we forced that kid to gather enough sand to get us to evolve and then ate him when he collapsed from exhaustion!
Which was, like, a week ago, but still!
GRAIN #24374 asks to SHARE KNUCKLE BONE!
You can have it. Bit calcium rich for my tastes.
GRAIN #24375 gave GRAIN #24374 KNUCKLE BONE!
GRAIN #24374 used SUCKER PUNCH!
GRAIN #24374 hit GRAIN #24375 with KNUCKLE BONE!
GRAIN #24375 fainted!
INFIGHTING among GRAINS continues to SPREAD!
PALOSSAND is losing GROUP COHESION!
PALOSSAND fainted!
...NARRATOR hates NARRATING PALOSSAND!
Solveig has been tasked by the Narrator to help destroy the Safehouses, and - ideally - get those inside out. She has recruited Ben to help with one part of the plan - Destroying the safe houses. The other half of the plan involves the help of Joanne Bloggs.
Battle 140: A Plan Unfolded
Published: 09/11/24
Location: Safehouse 24 (Exterior)
Player: Solveig Poulsen (8-1-4)
Cheers for doing this, Ben. I know your relationship with the Narrator is... More hostile than most... But...
Youngster Ben: ...Yeah. Also with destinies, prophecies, and adults sticking stuff that should be their job on me. So... Everything about this sucks but...
Youngster Ben: ...This time it's for keeps, I guess...
...Is everything set?
Youngster Ben: Detonators at all six safehouses are ready. With just the press of a button, we wipe out their strongholds at once. Let me know when.
Excellent. Give me... 24 hours.
Youngster Ben: ...Huh?! Why?
The pull of a PokéBall is strong enough to reach from inside the Net and Sandy Version, apparently. No clue if that'll hold after the Safe Houses are destroyed. Gives me time to get past the Sudoku that grants access to where he's being held with enough time to spare to get him out.
Joanne Bloggs: ...Are you absolutely sure you want to do this?
Red's in there. I can get him out.
JOANNE wants to fight!
I send myself out.
JOANNE used POKéBALL!
Press A RAPIDLY to escape!
No.
SOLVEIG was CAPTURED by JOANNE!
JOANNE sent out SOLVEIG!
...Hm. Technically I think I need your permission to do this?
Joanne Bloggs: Permission granted.
Remember. 24 hours. Then pull me back and Ben should do his thing.
SOLVEIG entered SAFEHOUSE 24!
Location: Safehouse 24 (Net Room)
OK, so... Climb the cargo net...
SOLVEIG used CLIMB!
CARGO NET wants to fight!
...Seriously?!
CARGO NET sent out CARGO NET!
Swordfish, go.
SOLVEIG sent out SWORDFISH!
Cut.
SWORDFISH used CUT!
It's super effective!
CARGO NET fainted!
...Right. OK. Swordfish, fly me up there.
SWORDFISH no longer knows the move FLY!
...You let me do this when it was an X-Wing.
X-WING was a SPACESHIP!
SWORDFISH is a FISH!
...Goddamnit.
...I need to get to the Net, faster than it's likely to take the Cargo Net to recover.
No other obvious routes...
Though the Narrator operates on wordplay, chiefly puns, so... Hm...
Swordfish. Let's have a quick dance.
SWORDFISH looks at SOLVEIG as if they've grown an EXTRA HEAD!
You know, a fling of some sort.
SWORDFISH looks SCEPTICAL!
SOLVEIG and SWORDFISH used FLING!
SOLVEIG and SWORDFISH flung themselves to top of CARGO NET!
Perfect. Return.
NARRATOR doesn't think this is a GOOD IDEA!
...Hence why the Cargo Net wanted to fight?
...Yeah!
You could have punned that in other ways if you were really trying to stop me.
...Does SOLVEIG think this PLAN is going to work to get RED and whoever ELSE is in there out?!
...I think it's their best shot.
...
...
NARRATOR wishes SOLVEIG luck!
Thanks.
Fold.
SOLVEIG used FOLD!
SOLVEIG folded NET!
SOLVEIG disappeared!