When we last saw Maria, she was alive and safe with her parents, who banned her from ever seeing Shadow again after his attempt to resurrect her corpse created new life inhabiting her cadaver.
Battle 111: Sneaking Out
Published: 06/04/24
Location: Maria's Room
Player: Lass Maria (4-3-1)
Raticate: Rat Raticate rat Raticate rat i cate rat?
Yes, I'm sure I want to do this. I need to make sure he knows it's not his fault considering I died thanking him for saving me.
...Also that I'm back to life. He probably should know that as well.
Raticate: Rati icate rat i rati cate.
I'm not running away!
I'm sneaking out!
RATICATE used LOOK!
RATICATE looked at MARIA's very full TRAVEL BAG!
RATICATE looked at MARIA's NOTE to their PARENTS!
RATICATE raises an EYEBROW at MARIA!
...Yeah, ok, it's going to take a few days.
RATICATE looks at the QUANTITY of ZERO PREP MEALS MARIA has STASHED in their TRAVEL BAG!
...Weeks. Fine.
But I can't tell them what I'm doing!
They'd stop me from doing this!
Raticate: Rat rati Raticate rat Raticate rat i cate rat icate?
I have. Multiple times. But, sure, let's go for round twelve.
Narrator, could you pass on a message to Shadow for me?
NARRATOR is DONE interfering in MARIA's AFFAIRS!
NARRATOR got MARIA killed LAST TIME!
It's nice that the Narrator's acknowledging its failings now.
...NARRATOR wouldn't go that far!
NARRATOR is simply RECOMMITTING to not INTERFERING in the affairs of MORTALS after SOME previous DEVIATIONS had NEGATIVE CONSEQUENCES!
...At least ignoring EXISTENTIAL THREATS to SANDY VERSION that require MORTAL INTERVENTION!
...Uh-huh.
MARIA's ALARM CLOCK went off!
...Time to open this up...
MARIA used UMBRELLA!
RATICATE huddled next to MARIA's LEG!
MYSTERY MEAT appeared!
ABOVE MARIA!
MEAT used FALL!
MEAT hit UMBRELLA!
Today's MYSTERY MEAT is PORK CHOPS!
Made from ETHICALLY slaughtered MILTANK!
...Who, let's not forget, are sapient...
DAILY opportunities to MEET MEAT are provided by KANTO LIVESTOCK CONGLOMORATE!
MYSTERY MEAT ran away!
You were saying something about not interfering in both my affairs and the affairs of mortals generally?
But it's a good SPONSORSHIP DEAL!
...Is it?
If MARIA wasn't about to RUN AWAY--
Sneak out.
NARRATOR used LOOK!
NARRATOR looked at MARIA's very full TRAVEL BAG!
NARRATOR looked at MARIA's note to their PARENTS!
...
If MARIA wasn't about to RUN AWAY what would MARIA be requesting for their MAIN MEAL tonight?!
...Pork chops...
...Despite not being comfortable with food that comes from the death of Pokémon...
PRECISELY!
...
They pay NARRATOR to drop MEAT on the heads of KIDS to get their KIDS to NAG their PARENTS for that particular type of FOOD!
...Only because the time I didn't when I woke up my bed was full of rotten meat.
...I needed to replace the entire bed...
PRECISELY!
COERSION is far more EFFECTIVE as an ADVERTISEMENT STRATEGY than IMPRESSIONS!
NARRATOR gets BETTER RESULTS than BILLBOARDS!
Maybe if you didn't keep Narrating miniature natural disasters around billboards people would pay more for them.
BILLBOARD INDUSTRY is in DIRECT COMPETITION with NARRATOR's SPONSORSHIP business!
...Riiight...
Ready to go, Raticate?
Rat.
MARIA gathered their TRAVEL BAG!
MARIA used SNEAK!
MARIA attempted to SNEAK out the WINDOW!
What do you mean attempted?
WINDOW wants to fight!
And this isn't interfering in my affairs, how?
Because its funny?!
You need to work on your definition of interfere.
...And comedy, come to think of it.
I'll send myself out.
RATICATE sent out RATICATE!
MARIA sent out MARIA!
WINDOW sent out WINDOW!
And I'd like to leap out of the open hole in my wall where the window sent itself out of to complete my plan to sneak out.
Is MARIA sure they mean SNEAK OUT!
Hm?
NARRATOR basically has NO CHOICE but to let it work if MARIA acknowledges what they're doing is RUNNING AWAY!
...
...
...Fine!
Complete my plan to run away from home!
MARIA ran away!
RATICATE ran away after!
When we last saw Horace, Grant helped the Narrator pull him out of Glitch City. He has since been researching information regarding Missingno. Sort of.
Battle 112: The Bird's the Word
Published: 13/04/24
Location: Horace's Library
Player: Horace Hunter (4-2-3)
Very interesting. Yes. Galar, eh... I failed to find one last time I was there, but...
Has HORACE confirmed the CONNECTION yet?!
Hm?
HORACE was CONFIRMING a CONNECTION between MISSINGNO and CINNABAR ISLAND!
While CHECKING if they were NUMBERLESS BIRDS!
Oh. That. Yeah, they are and they are. Did that within the first 5 minutes. Did you know there are Selkie in Galar?
...SELKIE?!
Seals that take off their furs and reveal beautiful women beneath them. I suppose some of them might be Seels as well.
What do SELKIE have to do with the PREDICAMENT?!
Nothing.
Then why is HORACE researching them?!
Because I want to catch one.
HORACE is meant to be HELPING NARRATOR with its GLITCH problem!
Oh. The Eldritch Abomination sightings. I am. that's why I came to confirm... Oh.
Sorry. Slipped my mind to tell you I'd confirmed that the Missingno is considered Bird type, despite that type not actually existing, and is considered Numberless within the Pokédex.
Oh. Missingno. Missing Number. Cute.
...
Anyway they are the Numberless Birds. There's a pre-sand legend about the sightings children have of them on Cinnabar Island's coast being a harbinger of an invasion force coming from there.
NARRATOR isn't sure it can SINK an ISLAND!
Yes, well. We all know how bad at your job you are, so that's not surprising.
NARRATOR has the POWER to do so!
NARRATOR is more thinking of the LOSS of LIFE!
...Ah. Yeah. That is a snag.
NARRATOR is also STILL getting COMPLAINTS about BULLDOZING KANTO's SAFARI ZONE!
NARRATOR would rather not go through an EVEN BIGGER HEADACHE!
Well, no worries there. I also came across a tale of how to stop them.
EXCELLENT!
We just need to do three things.
...And THOSE are?!
There should be a Master Glitch. Something connected to a Tower of the Gods...
...NARRATOR has a TOWER!
...Narrator's Tower sounds like it would qualify as a Tower of the Gods, yeah. Anything weird happening there?
Not RECENTLY!
There was a DEAD PIXEL where the TWO GODS NARRATOR STOLE it from FOUGHT but NARRATOR covered it with a RUG so no problem there!
...You... Covered the Master Glitch... With a rug.
NARRATOR tidied it up!
...I've met Youngsters who are more diligent about keeping their spaces tidy than covering up a glitch with a rug rather than fixing it.
Does HORACE have a PLAN or is HORACE just going to MOAN?!
Right. Yeah. That's the source of the power and the ability for the Eldritch Pokémon--
GLITCHES!
Same difference. For the Eldritch Pokémon to manifest so prominently.
We need to seal it.
Right! NARRATOR will TAKE CARE of that!
We also need to deal with Cinnabar Island. Some of the Missingno are going to come through before we're done. As soon as we seal the master glitch they'll make a desperate play and start coming through en mass, ready or not. So we ideally need an army.
HORACE will need to LEAD that!
...Thanks.
And the THIRD thing?!
Something called an 'amalgam' needs to go through the door on Mystery Isle.
AMALGAM?!
Yes.
NARRATOR used CHECK!
NARRATOR checks SANDY VERSION's DENTAL DATABASE!
...Sandy has centralized dental records?
Dental Database: Teeth exist.
...I don't think it means the mercury alloy used in tooth fillings. Probably referring to some sort of amalgamation. A combination of things. A hybrid.
...Might a HUMAN swapping BODY PARTS with a PIKACHU count?!
...Grant might qualify, yes.
...So might the Pikachu, from what I saw of him.
The text is less clear on what the Amalgam - Grant - needs to do when he goes through the door, I'm afraid. Can you get the word out to them?
Done!
GRANT is NOT HAPPY about having to OPEN the DOOR!
NARRATOR thinks it can PERSUADE them!
The Master Glitch needs to be patched before the door is opened, and I need to be ready to fight them off before a bloodbath occurs according to my reading.
If we time this wrong, we'll likely lose all of Kanto and half of Johto to the Eldritch invasion.
HANDY appeared!
...Why are you making a disembodied hand appear before me?
So HORACE can catch it, do a bit of GRINDING and EVOLVE it into an ARMY!
...
...
...Good god that joke is antique.
HANDY wants to fight!
Werewolf, go.
HORACE sent out WEREWOLF!
How much are you biased in my favour here?
The GLITCHES have already tried to KILL NARRATOR!
So, very then?
EXTREMELY very!
PokéBall, go.
GRANT threw a POKéBALL!
GRANT caught HANDY!
SPECIAL DELIVERY of RARE CANDY appeared!
...One seems unlikely to be enough...
DUMPSTER TRUCK full of RARE CANDY UPENDED on GRANT!
Get FEEDING!
When Solveig isn't busy enigmas for clients as a 'mystery solver for hire' - Or as most would call her job, a PI - She enjoys competitive puzzling. We join her towards the end of a speed solving contest.
Battle 113: Cross Words
Published: 20/04/24
Location: Cryptic Tower (Floor 30)
Player: Solveig Poulson (8-0-2)
And 'Delighted burnt small tablet' would be... Charmed.
DING appeared!
FINAL DOOR opened!
Exit.
Location: Cryptic Tower (Rooftop)
How'd I do?
Gym Leader Blaine: Hah! You know we can't give you your position until the final results are in.
Even as a favour for a personal friend? I used to edit your riddles into something more suitable for your target demographic of largely 10-12 year olds before you switched to trivia questions for your gym challenge.
Gym Leader Blaine: Hah! You kept ruining them!
Hardly. While there's an elegance in a riddle that references five different works from across 500 years, it's way above the grade level you wanted it for. I kept the spirit of them while making them fair to the audience you said you wanted to calibrate them for. Besides. I know you didn't write half of these. Way easier than you're usually cryptic clues.
Gym Leader Blaine: Hah! Maybe I just took your advice and got better at calibrating for the situation. This is a speed contest, the idea isn't for experienced solvers to struggle to get the answer, just to see how fast they solve them.
And yet you're still claiming I ruined your older riddles by making them more suited for your target demographic.
Gym Leader Blaine: Hah! If I didn't know how little you battled since we were at college together, I'd be fired up enough to take you on by now.
I've gotten back into it a bit since the last Cryptic Tower Race. Tell me how I did if I win and you're on.
Gym Leader Blaine: Hah!
BLAINE wants to fight!
BLAINE sent out GROWLITHE!
Gym Leader Blaine: I suppose you still have that X-Wing of yours?
It's evolved since then. Swordfish, go.
SOLVEIG sent out SWORDFISH!
Meaning it's Logic/Water rather than Logic/Steel now. I think this is the first time we've ever done this dance where I've had the type advantage.
Gym Leader Blaine: Hah! Well met.
Swordfish, use Grid. Let's get the arena in our favour.
SWORDFISH used GRID!
GROWLITHE used AGILITY!
GROWLITHE's movement was limited to a GRID!
GROWLITHE's speed sharply rose!
And now let's hope you're still faster. Surf.
SWORDFISH used SURF!
TUNA, FISH, and MAGNETS appeared!
TUNA, FISH, and MAGNETS see a PREDATORY DOG trying to EAT an INNOCENT SWORDFISH!
TUNA, FISH, and MAGNETS use SOGGY BEAT DOWN!
TUNA, FISH, and MAGNETS beat GROWLITHE with their SURFBOARDS!
It's super effective!
GROWLITHE fainted!
TUNA, FISH, and MAGNETS ran away!
...Wait, weren't those Joanne's fridge magnets?
Yes!
BLAINE sent out PONYTA!
Try a whirlpool.
SWORDFISH used WHIRLPOOL!
PONYTA used FIRE SPIN!
Forces collide!
SWIRLING VORTEX of FIRE and WATER appeared!
SWIRLING VORTEX of FIRE and WATER became STEAM!
PONYTA and SWORDFISH enjoy a SAUNA together!
No effect on BATTLE!
...Right. OK. Try stabbing the fire horse with a sword of logic.
SWORDFISH used LOGIC SWORD!
SWORDFISH points out the UNLIKELIHOOD of a BURNING PONY to evolve!
PONYTA used STOMP!
PONYTA's rebuttal looks more like a TEMPER TANTRUM!
PONYTA stomped off back into its POKéBALL!
BLAINE sent out RAPIDASH!
RAPIDASH used TAIL WHIP!
Counter it with a sword flourish.
SWORDFISH used SWORD FLOURISH!
SWORDFISH stabbed RAPIDASH in the TAIL with a WET SWORD!
It's super effective!
RAPIDASH fainted!
SWORDFISH is hurt by the recoil!
Awesome. Well. Aside from the recoil.
BLAINE sent out ARCANINE!
...Wow that's thing's grown since we were in college.
ARCANINE used TAKE DOWN!
SWORDFISH is in critical condition!
ARCANINE is hurt by the recoil!
OK, swordfish. This is risky due to the pun potential, but desperate times. Dive.
SWORDFISH used DIVE!
SWORDFISH took a dive!
SWORDFISH fainted!
Darn.
Gym Leader Blaine: Hah! Excellent fight. And you predicted the Narrator's pun like a champ and gave it a whirl anyway.
Well, you never know. The Narrator sometimes goes for the dive bar option. That might have taken them both out of the battlefield.
Gym Leader Blaine: Honestly I've missed the battles we used to have.
You got more serious about your Pokémon training than I ever could get, while I went the mystery investigation route.
Gym Leader Blaine: Hah! But both of us kept puzzles in our hearts.
Yeah...
Gym Leader Blaine: So... About that dive bar pun...?
God no. That fling we had inside that escape room that one time was more than enough for me to know we should keep it at friends.
Gym Leader Blaine: Hah! Never run faster in my life.
Oh god, yeah. Officer Jenny nearly caught me while you were off like a rocket.
Gym Leader Blaine: Hah! You don't have to run faster than the bear, as they say.
But you're right that we should rekindle our friendship. After you're done here, let's hit up Labyrinths and Lattes. It's a maze themed coffee shop near here.
Sam has been continuing their career in mail delivery since relocating to Johto following the Gosslord incident in Kanto. Which is how they've found themself delivering a package to a location they do not recognize.
Battle 114: Bad Delivery
Published: 27/04/24
Location: Cabin O'Doom (Exterior)
Player: Mail Carrier Sam (3-0-0)
...I really don't remember this place being on my route, but... It was in my pile and this is literally one of the routes on my route.
...Creepy exterior, too. Let's just ring the doorbell and...
SAM used RING!
SAM rang DOORBELL!
TRAPDOOR used ACTIVATE!
SAM used FALL!
Location: Cabin O'Doom (Basement)
Ow! What the...?
???: So nice of you to drop in.
...You can't sign for your package via intercom...
???: Also so nice for free test subjects to be available on order in this area.
???: Well, free aside from the cost of postage of a nominal package requiring signed delivery.
...Kidnapped by a mad scientist. Honestly, I'm kind of surprised this is a first for me.
The light's stopped coming out of the trapdoor...
TRAPDOOR is SHUT!
REGULAR DOOR seems to be LOCKED!
Going to give it a try anyway...
HANDLE is ELECTRIFIED!
Ow!
???: You really think I'd either leave the door unlocked or the lock available to pick?
???: Also before you try and use any escape ropes, dig or teleport away, or call for help, there's a signal blocker and I built on the ruins of a Pokémon Center. The entrance is the door that gave you the shock earlier - You're outside it.
???: Trying to cheese your way out of this will just put you right back where you are now.
What is it you want?
???: Just a little experiment and then you'll be free to finish off your rounds.
...And you needed to kidnap me to do this because?
???: Because I'm tired of waiting for Protagonist types to turn me back to being human after I experiment on myself!
...Turn you back to...? Wait, I heard of someone who kept turning himself into a Pokémon back when I was still working in Kanto.
??? was renamed BILL!
Yeah. Bill. That was it.
Bill: Goddamnit Narrator.
...Not that the 'William' written on the package is a great fake name for someone called Bill.
Bill: Shut up and release a Pokémon already!
...After you talking about turning yourself into a Pokémon? Yeah, that's not happening.
Bill: ...Please?
No.
Bill: ...Come on, do it for me?
...You don't have a plan on how to force me to do it, do you?
Bill: ...Sure I do.
Then threaten me with it.
Bill: ...
Bill: ...
Bill: ...Fine, you're right, I don't.
Bill: So... Err... What now?
...You are really bad at this.
Bill: Look it's the first time I've gotten a test subject against their will, normally I just do my experiments on myself.
Bill: Then they go wrong, I wind up turning myself into a Pokémon and waiting for the Narrator to send a Protagonist type my way.
Bill: Only last time the Narrator never did... Then the Gosslords came, and... An old contact had to bail me out.
Bill: So I built this and sent for you instead...
Release me, sign for your package, and we'll pretend this never happened.
Also, have you never considered paying for test subjects?
This is a pretty elaborate build you've got here, surely you could have used that funding to hire some people if you can undo the process.
Bill: ...
Bill: ...
Bill: ...I'm worse at this than I thought I was.
Great. So. As I said. Let me out, and we'll forget this ever happened.
Bill: Sure just give me... Ah.
...Nothing good comes from a trail off into an 'Ah.'
Bill: I'm detecting ectoplasmic activity in the room you're in.
...Ectowhatsit activity?
Bill: Ectoplasmic. It's a common occurrence when Ghost Types are nearby. I've had a constant rig monitoring it after... Err... Look I had a weird experience with a Gengar when my experiments left me as a Clefable for months and me turning back into a human didn't entirely get it to go away.
...
...
...Weird... How?
Bill: I'd rather not go into it.
Bill: I'm setting up the anti-ghost field in your room now.
Well, that's a relief.
Bill: Yeah, totally. Should keep whatever ghost is manifesting trapped in that room and me perfectly safe.
...Wait, what?! I'm in here!
Bill: ...Err... Oh.
GENGAR appeared!
...Bill. Let me out of here. Now.
Bill: No way. Not with that... Thing... In there with you.
Bill: I don't want that thing near me ever again.
What did it do to you while you were a Clefable?!
Bill: I don't want to go into it!
You stuck me in here with it, I need to know how screwed I am!
Bill: It kept trying to become my shadow ok!
...
...
...I cannot for the life of me work out what that's meant to be a euphemism for.
GENGAR looks annoyed at SAM's phrasing!
...Sorry. No offence intended.
GENGAR accepts SAM's apology!
Bill: ...Euphemism? Why would I be using a euphemism?
Bill: It tried to become my shadow while I was a Clefable and make me its shadow. And even after I turned back human kept at it once the Gosslords went away.
I thought you meant it did something bad to you!
Bill: Not really bad, it just weirded me out.
You... You trapped me in a room with something you just found a bit creepy?
Bill: Anyway, thanks for the chat. Really helped me rethink my future experimental options. I'll try and figure out a way of getting you out of there without freeing the Gengar. Later.
Don't you dare leave me trapped in here!
Bill: ...
I'm pretty sure false imprisonment of a mail carrier constitutes interference with the mail which is highly illegal!
Bill: ...
Not to mention counts as kidnapping!
Bill: ...
...He's run away, hasn't he?
Yes!
...So on a scale of 1 to 10, how screwed am I?
BILL stored SEVERAL VARIETIES of DRIED POKéMON FOOD in BASEMENT in case SAM was turned into a POKéMON by EXPERIMENT!
SAM has food for SEVERAL MONTHS!
Not TASTY food but EDIBLE food!
...Well... At least I have a few months to live.
GENGAR has food for SEVERAL WEEKS!
...
...And then...?
GENGAR thinks it can SURVIVE for a few more WEEKS if it also feeds on SAM's SOUL!
...
...Right...
GENGAR wants to--
Already?!
--PLAY TIC TAC TOE!
...Wait, what?
GENGAR gets bored EASILY!
GENGAR wants to keep SAM's COMPANY for as long as POSSIBLE before FEASTING on SAM!