In this incarnation of Sandy Version's first battle, we join Youngster Joey and his Top Percentage Rattata just after a loss to Youngster Mikey.
Battle 1: Joey and His Top Percentage Rattata
Published: 01/01/22
Location: Route 30
Player: Youngster Joey (0-0-0)
Gosh darn it!
Stupid Mikey and his stupid Pidgey!
How am I ever going to get even a single gym badge if I can't beat someone as new to this as I am? Maybe I need more than just a top percentage Rattata?
GOLD appeared!
I just lost, so I'm trying to find more Pokémon.
Wait! You look weak! Come on, let's battle!
GOLD wants to fight!
Go, Rattata!
JOEY sent out RATTATA!
GOLD sent out FINGER!
Who nicknames a Pokémon Finger?!
FINGER is not a NICKNAME!
FINGER is a disembodied FINGER!
...It's... Moving about like some sort of... Worm...?
That's so gross.
Where'd you get such a cool Pokémon like that?!
Gold: ...
Silent type, huh? Rattata, use tackle!
RATTATA used TACKLE!
RATTATA attached FINGER to HOOK like a WORM!
It's super unnerving!
...I'm... Just going to keep my hands in my pockets for the time being...
FINGER used POKE!
FINGER poked RATTATA on FACEBOOK!
...Why does my Rattata even have a Facebook account?
Never mind. Err.. You've got it hooked, try... Uhh... Going fishing?
RATTATA used GO FISH!
RATTATA drew a CARD!
...This battle had already gotten weird, now it's just...
What even was that?
RATTATA made JOEY a homemade #1 TRAINER CARD!
It's super adorable!
Oh. Never mind. I love you too, Rattata!
RATTATA smirked!
RATTATA clearly just wants more CHEESE!
FINGER used NAIL!
FINGER caught RATTATA in a LIE!
FINGER knows RATTATA really thinks JOEY sucks!
Rattata? Surely...? Is... Is this true?
RATTATA used MEAN LOOK on JOEY!
RATTATA is not even TRYING to convince JOEY that FINGER is lying!
JOEY's confidence sharply fell!
JOEY used TEARS!
JOEY tears FINGER from HOOK!
It's super effective!
FINGER fainted!
JOEY wins!
JOEY gained 154 cynicism!
So that's how you really feel about me, huh, Rattata? Return!
JOEY lost faith in TRUST and LOVE!
I'll prove you wrong!
I'll prove I'm the best trainer ever!
And I'll start by finding a new Pokémon!
If a rat fighting a finger wasn't high enough stakes for you, you're in luck. Battle 2 joins Horace Hunter, monster hunter extraordinaire. But has he misunderstood the 'Monster' aspect of 'Pocket Monsters'?
Battle 2: Raising the Stakes
Published: 08/01/22
Location: Undead Forest
Player: Horace Hunter (0-0-0)
This feels like the perfect place to find an undead type
...UNDEAD type?!
Lacking an undead type feels like a huge weakness to my party lineup.
POKéMON are CUTE and ADORABLE and COOL and AWESOME magical critters!
Why would HORACE expect there to be an UNDEAD TYPE?!
Many monsters are undead fiends, why wouldn't there be an undead type of Pokémon?
CUTE, ADORABLE, COOL and AWESOME are rarely adjectives that apply to UNDEAD things!
A monster is a monster is a monster, and I intend to find an undead type to add to my party.
Wild VAMPIRE appeared!
Wild VAMPIRE wants to fight!
See. Told you. An undead fiend for me to capture.
Go! Werewolf!
HORACE sent out WEREWOLF!
Soften it up with a growl!
WEREWOLF used GROWL!
WEREWOLF GREW an extra L!
WEREWOLF was renamed WEREWOLLF!
...Not... Exactly what I had in mind...
VAMPIRE used BAT!
VAMPIRE hit a home run!
No effect on battle!
Try a bite attack, see if that works better
WEREWOLLF used BITE!
WEREWOLLF grabbed VAMPIRE's E with its mouth!
WEREWOLLF was renamed WEEREWOLLF!
VAMPIRE was renamed VAMPIR!
VAMPIR lacks energy!
VAMPIR is unable to attack!
I don't think it's health actually lowered from that, nor is it under any status ailments, so still need to figure out how to weaken it, but... Everything I've tried has just changed the letter composition of my Pokémon...
...Wait, maybe that's it!
Were-- I mean Weerewollf, try throwing one of your e's at the Vampire. I mean the Vampir.
WEEREWOLLF tossed VAMPIR an E!
WEEREWOLLF was renamed WEERWOLLF!
...I really should have been more specific...
VAMPIR took tablet!
VAMPIR's energy sharply rose!
VAMPIR's empathy sharply rose!
VAMPIR's libido sharply rose!
...Oh, come on!
VAMPIR used CHARM!
I didn't mean it as a suggestion!
VAMPIR's M was CHARRED!
VAMPIR was renamed VAPIR!
...Empathy rose, huh...?
I'd like to talk to the Vampi-- Vapir?
HORACE opened DIALOGUE with VAPIR!
VAPIR sees where HORACE is coming from!
VAPIR is also scared of losing more LETTERS and would like this BATTLE to end already!
VAPIR agrees to join HORACE!
Awesome, welcome to the team.
...
Oh. Right.
HORACE threw a POKéBALL!
VAPIR was caught!
Now I think I should get my Pokémon to a Pokémon Center.
...And a name rater, come to think of it...
Solveig is a huge fan of puzzles, and always tries to do at least one a day, but normally does more like four or five. We join her as she's mid-way through a Sudoku. But the Narrator seems a little unfamiliar with the concept of non-violent games...
Battle 3: A Most Puzzling Battle
Published: 15/01/22
Location: Solveig's Study
Player: Solveig Poulsen (0-0-0)
Hm... Let's see now... If that's a 4, then that would force a 4 there and... Yeah, ok, that's not a 4 so it must be a 9...
SOLVEIG seems to be playing some sort of GAME!
GAME doesn't seem to involve BATTLES!
NARRATOR is confused!
NARRATOR hurt reality in its confusion!
...Most peculiar, not to mention impractical. My bookcase seems to have moved to the ceiling.
SOLVEIG reached for a NOTEPAD!
SOLVEIG jotted something down!
...Anyway, back to the Sudoku...
Let's see now, 5s look interesting...
NARRATOR thinks it gets it!
Wild NUMBER 5 appeared!
...An anthropomorphic number suddenly manifested in my study? Better write that one down...
SOLVEIG reached for a NOTEPAD!
SOLVEIG jotted something down!
NUMBER 5 wants to fight!
...What?
...NUMBER 5 wants to fight!
Yes. I know. I'm just surprised is all.
...
...
This is where SOLVEIG sends out a POKéMON!
...Oh. Oh, right. Sorry.
I think there might be an X-Wing that can remove the possibility of a 5 in that place, so... X-Wing, go?
...What?
I'm sending out an X-Wing?
Why does SOLVEIG have an X-WING?!
NARRATOR is confused!
NARRATOR hurt reality in its confusion!
LUCAS was erased from existence
No effect on odds of a US MOTHER 3 release!
SOLVEIG sent out X-WING!
NUMBER 5 sent out NUMBER 5!
...I'm Not used to solving puzzles like this, but... Err... I suppose... X-Wing, use logic...?
X-WING used LOGIC!
NUMBER 5 used MAMBA!
It's highly illogical!
Somewhere, elsewhere, SPOCK raised an eyebrow!
...
Attacks neutralized each other!
...Hm. Maybe something a little more... Literal? Let's see if I can remember some actual moves from when I last played a Pokémon game?
Ah. Surf. X-Wing, use surf.
X-WING doesn't kn--
X-WING used SURF!
NARRATOR is cofused!
NARRATOR let the attack work normally in its confusion!
Enemy NUMBER 5 is in critical condition!
Why does a SPACE SHIP know SURF!
X-Wing's a fish.
NARRATOR is confused!
NARRATOR ate a PERSIM BERRY!
NARRATOR is confused no longer!
NUMBER 5 used COUNT!
NUMBER 5 wants to suck SOLVEIG's blood!
SOLVEIG's attack fell!
...The anthropomorphic digit's a vampire... Hm...
Since the Narrator seems to be unaware of the difference between Sudoku X-Wings and Star Wars X-Wings, let's try a Laser Canon attack.
NUMBER 5 used PERFECT FIFTH!
NUMBER 5 gave two simultainious blood curdling screams a PERFECT FIFTH apart as it fainted!
SOLVEIG won!
...I... Can't seem to enter any 5s into this Sudoku. And the given 5s have disappeared...?
NUMBER 5 is lying unconscious on SOLVEIG's floor!
How am I meant to do a Sudoku without access to the number 5? Blast it, I'll do it later when the number recovers.
Hm. Slitherlinks only use the numbers 0 through 3. Let's do one of those instead...
Joanne Bloggs is pretty unlucky when it comes to the PokéBattles world - She has an above average incidence of things randomly deciding to be Pokémon, leading to her having a delightfully cheery disposition on life.
Battle 4: Just Not My Cup of Tea
Published: 22/01/22
Location: Joanne's Kitchen
Player: Joanne Bloggs (0-0-0)
Hate. Mornings.
JOANNE used SLAM!
MUG crashed into COUNTERTOP!
Could you be a bit quieter? I'm not awake yet.
NARRATOR cannot!
JOANNE used GLARE!
It doesn't affect NARRATOR!
Well can you at least wait until I've had my morning brew?
No!
...Not even had a cuppa yet and it's already one of those days.
JOANNE filled KETTLE!
KETTLE wants to fight!
...Are you kidding right now...
No!
Ugh. Fine. What am I even meant to use as a Pokémon in here at this time of... Magnets, go!
JOANNE sent out MAGNETS!
KETTLE sent out FISH!
...You want me to believe my kettle is a trainer?
Yes!
...
Magnets, magnetize.
MAGNETS used MAGNETIZE!
MAGNETS are MAGNETIC!
FISH used FISH!
FISH are FISH!
Neither attack had any effect!
Magnets, use... Ugh... Thinking laterally at this time of day is annoying. Net?
MAGNETS used NET!
FISH used SURF!
MAGNETS want to SURF the NET!
FISH took MAGNETS on a SURFING HOLIDAY!
...
...
...Are they coming back...?
FISH and MAGNETS ran away together!
FISH and MAGNETS escaped!
KETTLE was dragged out!
JOANNE was dragged out!
KETTLE used BOIL!
But KETTLE is being watched!
A watched KETTLE never BOILS!
No effect!
Unplug.
JOANNE used UNPLUG!
JOANNE removed BLOCKAGE from KETTLE!
KETTLE can no longer be BLOCKED!
...I'll try a defuse attack?
KETTLE used SCALD!
KETTLE cannot use other moves until BOILED!
No effect!
JOANNE used DEFUSE!
JOANNE grabbed a SCREWDRIVER!
JOANNE is apparently hitting the BOOZE awfully EARLY today!
...You know, screw it, considering the day I'm already having...
JOANNE used SWALLOW!
JOANNE drank COCKTAIL!
JOANNE went back to BED!
JOANNE has left the battlefield!
KETTLE wins by default!
Not all ideas that exist within Sandy Version are fit to print. Those bad ideas are kept in an inert area of Sandy, one devoid of the Narrator, isolated from Sandy Version proper where they can't bother anyone. Sometimes, however, the Narrator gets curious, and manifests within said inert area. This is one such time.
Battle 5: An Iconic Battle
Published 29/01/22
Location: Field of Bad Ideas
Player: Emojiman (0-0-0)
NARRATOR checked in on FIELD OF BAD IDEAS out of morbid curiosity!
🤝
NARRATOR used REGRET!
NARRATOR replied to greeting!
NARRATOR cordially accepted EMOJIMANS HANDSHAKE!
NARRATOR made things worse with that joke!
🤗
🎮❔
EMOJIMAN wants to play a GAME!
NARRATOR will PLAY alright!
NARRATOR used OMINOUS NARRATION!
😁🤩
It doesn't affect EMOJIMAN!
Wild BULL appeared!
❕
BULL wants to fight!
🤔💡
🏹
EMOJIMAN sent out BOW AND ARROW!
🎯
BOW AND ARROW used BULLSEYE!
It's super, smashing, great!
BOW AND ARROW hit BULL's EYE!
BULL's accuracy harshly fell!
BULL used CHARGE!
BULL's attack missed!
BULL kept going and crashed!
...Into PALM TREE!
Wild PALM TREE appeared!
❔❕
Wild PALM TREE wants to fight!
BATTLE is now a THREE WAY!
SANDY VERSION's rating sharply rose!
PALM TREE used FALL!
Rain started to fall!
💡
🏹🔙
🔫
...NARRATOR hates this BATTLE!
...However...
EMOJIMAN withdrew BOW AND ARROW!
EMOJIMAN sent out WATER GUN!
...Probably...
🏄
WATER GUN used SURF!
FISH appeared!
MAGNETS appeared!
FISH and MAGNETS beat up BULL and PALM TREE!
Attack boosted due to rain!
FISH and MAGNETS continued on their SURFING HOLIDAY!
FISH and MAGNETS ran away!
BULL is in critical condition!
PALM TREE is barely scratched!
BULL flinched!
PALM TREE used EAT!
PALM TREE ate a KITE!
Charlie Brown: Good grief!
PALM TREE recovered health!
👾⚽➡️🐄♂️
MONSTER... BALL... RIGHT ARROW... COW... MALE?!
🪤❕
...Mousetrap...?!
Oh!
EMOJIMAN threw a POKéBALL at BULL!
NARRATOR wants BATTLE to end ASAP!
BULL was caught!
PALM TREE used UPROOT!
PALM TREE can now move FREELY!
🏃💨
NARRATOR can end this NONSENSE with that!
EMOJIMAN withdrew WATER GUN!
EMOJIMAN ran away!
EMOJIMAN was in FIELD OF BAD IDEAS!
FIELD OF BAD IDEAS exists to keep BAD IDEAS isolated from rest of SANDY VERSION!
EMOJIMAN is now LOOSE!
NOOOOOOOOOO!