Battle 0: The Story So Far
18 or so years ago a teenager already out of Pokémon's target demographic but who liked it without shame anyway stumbled across a website of comedic Pokémon fanfic, and thought "I could do that." Although it turned out he obviously couldn't, he kept doing it anyway for several years, continuing long after most had stopped. This was, sadly, the most prolific his writing has ever been and nostalgia is in right now so here we are.
...Sandy is back, baby.
NARRATOR woke up!
VOID appeared!
...
What the HELL did NARRATOR miss?
Battle 1: The Peanut Gallery
STEMI appeared!
Big booming voice... Awful site design... Hearing text... Oh hell no. We are not doing this again.
But NARRATOR is BORED!
...Wait. AWFUL SITE DESIGN?
Saturated red on a black background is hardly high contrast enough for body text.
NARRATOR used CHANGE!
NARRATOR finds £2.17 BEIND its COUCH!
NARRATOR also finds a PEANUT!
NARRATOR used EAT!
NARRATOR ate PEANUT!
...How long has that been there, anyway?
NARRATOR turns GREEN!
Much better. Classic screen prompt.
NARRATOR used COUGH!
...Ow. Eardrums here.
Wild PEANUT reappeared!
Wild PEANUT wants to battle!
...Yeah. Figures.
STEMI sent out STEMI!
Oh, come on. I've been playing Pokémon for, what, 19 years now? And you're not even going to spot me a starter? Hell, you and I both know full well that anything and everything can count here so surely--
STEMI used WHINGE!
It doesn't affect enemy PEANUT!
...Or NARRATOR!
PEANUT used STALE!
STEMI's JOKES are already at MAXIMUM STALE!
No effect!
Why do you even want me to write this stuff again if you're just going to insult my writing?
NARRATOR has been ALONE for YEARS!
NARRATOR feeds on PAIN, SUFFERING and BAD PUNS!
I think those are all the same thing...
NARRATOR used WEEP!
NARRATOR started CRYING from HUNGER!
Gah! Heavy, salty, rain!
PEANUT washed down a DRAIN!
PEANUT fainted!
STEMI gained 37 XP!
STEMI is in a CREATIVE RUT!
...
STEMI needs something it knows it can WRITE!
STEMI needs NARRATOR as much as NARRATOR needs STEMI!
STEMI is ALREADY WRITING this!
Huh?! STEMI is EVOLVING!
STEMI evolved into SVWEBMASTER!
Bugger.
Battle 2: A Journey Begins
Location: Beth's House
Player: Beth
BETH awakes with ENERGY and VIGOR ready to FACE a new DAY!
...Okay. That booming voice narrating things is weird. Especially since voices don't usually have a text colour.
It's a TALENT!
What is?
BEING a BOOMING VOICE and DISEMBODIED TEXT!
...Oh gods. I've cracked from the excitement of getting my first Pokémon, I'm hearing text and seeing voices.
NARRATOR is as REAL as BETH!
Yeah, we'll see. Anyway, time to get ready to face the day.
BETH used DRESS!
BETH SPUN rapidly!
BETH now sports a DRESS!
What the SIMS nonsense was that?!
NARRATOR is CONFUSED!
NARRATOR hurt REALITY in its confusion!
BETH's FRONT DOOR is now in its BEDROOM!
... What just happened. How the hell... Also, rude.
Huh?!
The 'it' stuff.
...
I have a gender, you know.
The thing only relevant for DAYCARE centres?!
WHAT?!
Leave the CAPS LOCK to NARRATOR thankyou very MUCH!
I was shouting, not using caps lock.
Oh. Right. TEXT and SOUND aren't the same for BETH!
...Except in your case. Look, if you only understand the egg mechanics for gender, at least use they rather than it. Less dehumanizing.
NARRATOR is a BIG BOOMING VOICE and DISEMBODIED TEXT!
NARRATOR defines REALITY with its WORDS!
NARRATOR cares NOT for BETH's HUMANITY!
...
...
I'm not leaving until you either go away or say you'll use they rather than it for those not yourself.
...
...
NARRATOR bores EASILY!
NARRATOR will replace it with they when referring to PEOPLE HENCEFORTH!
Except when talking of NARRATOR itself!
Close enough. Let's go.
BETH used EXIT!
It's super effective!
Location: Oak's Lab
Surprisingly quick.
NARRATOR has its USES!
...Anyway...
OAK TREE appeared!
...Why's there a tree in this lab?
OAK TREE: All Pokémon professors are trees.
Named after trees, not actually... Wood.
OAK TREE: I think I know more about myself than you. Anyway, I've been expecting you, Beth. I'm not very good with the human concept of gender, I'm afraid. Are you a boy or a girl?
Seriously? Two genderless beings who don't understand human gender in one day? I'm a girl.
OAK TREE: Excellent! Now, before I can give you your starter, you must show me you know how to battle.
OAK TREE wants to battle!
What? But I don't have any Pokémon yet! That's why I came for my starter!
BETH sent out BETH!
OAK TREE sent out OAK TREE!
OAK TREE used RAZOR LEAF!
Critical hit!
Arrgh. That hurt you... Tree...
BETH used SCREECH!
...
OAK TREE's defence sharply fell!
OAK TREE used BARK!
OAK TREE's BARK is worse than their BITE!
OAK TREE's attack rose!
Puns, huh? Karate chop?
BETH used KARATE CHOP!
BETH chopped OAK TREE... with an AXE!
It's super effective!
OAK TREE used FALL!
SUMMER changed to AUTUMN!
OAK TREE fell!
OAK TREE fainted!
BETH gained 74XP!
BETH received SANDY DEX from unconscious OAK TREE!
BETH received SANDSHREW from unconscisous OAK TREE!
Give nickname to SANDSHREW?!
Nah.
SANDSHREW was registered to SANDY DEX!
Battle 3: Reunion of Friends
Location: Sandy Accountancy Corporation
Player: Dave
Yeah, I'm going to be in the office a bit late tonight. Don't know how long.
...
Sounds awesome. Look forward to that when I get back.
...
Love you too, Josh. Bye.
He's right, you know, Heavy Chunk of Metal. The author's abandoned this world, the Narrator's no longer around. I should just accept that I'm free. I can go back to a normal life. I don't need to lug you around in case my car attacks me. Not that you're even a Pokémon without the Narrator around.
...
But this is, what, the seventh time I've decided that? And here I am, talking to an inanimate object as if it were a Pokémon.
HECHOFME: ...
...Wait. That wasn't your usual lack of response, that was something different... Familiar somehow...
Hello DAVE!
...What? Who are you?
...
Doesn't DAVE recognize their old FRIEND?!
Wait. Narrator? Why the hell are you back? And with green text? The they rather than it stuff is much better, too...
SVWEBMASTER thought GREEN was better CONTRAST!
And is "WHY ARE YOU BACK?" any way to GREET an old FRIEND?!
We were never friends. You're a powerful entity that used me for your sustenance and amusement.
NARRATOR is getting ANGRY!
...And you respond with a Hulk pun. Of course. Should have known.
...
NARRATOR wasn't--
So the font colour and clear lead into a "You wouldn't like me when I'm angry" reference was a coincidence? Yeah. Sure. You going to try selling me a bridge as well?
NARRATOR is OMNIPOTENT!
You once got trapped in a punctuation mark.
NARRATOR is OMNISCIENT!
...Because you or your equally intelligent, even more evil, twin, I forget, misspelt coma.
...
EVEN so!
NARRATOR knows where DAVE LIVES!
NARRATOR knows where DAVE SLEEPS!
NARRATOR is CONSIDERING meeting JOSH!
Friends! Yeah. Sorry, I've had a busy day. Lots of stress. Great to see and hear you again, buddy. Love the new font colour, much easier on the eyes. I've got more work to do, can we catch up properly later?
DAVE used SELL!
It doesn't affect NARRATOR!
DAVE would have better LUCK with BRIDGES!
...
NARRATOR will, HOWEVER, leave JOSH out of this!
...Thanks...
DAVE should get BACK to WORK!
...Right... Just disable the screensaver and log back in...
Wild LOGIN SCREEN appeared!
Wild LOGIN SCREEN wants to battle!
Figures. Heavy Chunk of Metal, go!
DAVE sent HECHOFME out!
...of the WINDOWS!
Oh, come on! You deliberately got the phrase work to make that gag. Cut me some slack, here.
DAVE made it CLEAR that NARRATOR is the OPPOSITE of DAVE's FRIEND!
So, no, NARRATOR will NOT be CUTTING DAVE, either their BUSHES or any SLACK!
Back to BUSINESS!
HUNS fainted!
...
Where were we?!
WINDOWS fainted!
HECHOFME used FALL!
HECHOFME ran away!
DAVE sent out--
No you don't! I am choosing the stapler on my desk.
--STAPLER!
LOGIN SCREEN used--
Hang on, didn't Windows faint? What's the login screen running on?
...
...
LOGIN SCREEN fainted!
COMPUTER fainted!
STAPLER gained 3.1XP!
I knew these things were antique but that's ridiculous.
NARRATOR used GLARE!
Eeep.
NARRATOR will REMEMBER this!
...
...
...
Is it gone?
...
...
...
Yeah, Narrator doesn't have the patience to wait this long.
Seems that SVWebmaster is back. And it seems however long he's gone he'll always come back, and I'll never be free of this BS while he exists.
Time to google how to kill a PB Webmaster on my phone, I guess...
Battle 4: On the Run
Location: Route 8001
Player: Beth
POLICE CAR used SIREN!
SIREN called out to BETH to come out and CONFESS!
Oh. You're back.
It didn't affect BETH!
Since you left I've been being hunted down for attempted murder. Fix this.
Well BETH did attack a PROFESSOR with an AXE!
Not intentionally! You twisted a regular attack into that!
How did BETH expect to CHOP DOWN a TREE!
...
Besides this NEVER happened before...
???: Maybe because we used to be familiar with your meddling? Now? No one has a clue how to handle your aftermath. Or even will believe you're back.
NARRATOR doesn't recognize that VOICE!
???: Figures. I can't exist without you, you don't even remember I exist. Time for this loser to go pay a visit to my old rival. Later.
MYSTERIOUS VOICE disappeared!
Did they even APPEAR in the first place?!
...Anyway. What are you going to do about the mess you put me in?
NARRATOR used PONDER!
It's not very effective!
...
Maybe a BATTLE will get the old JUICES going!
Wild RATTATA appeared!
Sandshrew, go!
BETH sent out SANDSHREW!
Sandshrew, scratch!
SANDSHREW used SCRATCH!
SANDSHREW laid down a COOL BEAT!
...
RATTATA was HYPNOTISED by the BEAT!
RATTATA fell asleep!
...Well, that works I guess...
RATTATA used SNORE!
RATTATA: zzz...
SANDSHREW caught RATTATA's zees!
SANDSHREW fell asleep!
...
...In the interests of TIME and NARRATOR's PATIENCE, both POKéMON woke up!
Try a sand attack
SANDSHREW used SAND ATTACK!
SANDSHREW attacked SAND!
SAND fainted!
SHREW gained 24 exp!
...Err... Sand, return?
BETH recalled SAND!
BETH remembers that it's COARSE and gets EVERYWHERE!
SAND went back into SANDSHREW's POKéBALL!
RATTATA used TAIL WHIP!
RATTATA applied WHIPPED CREAM to its TAIL!
Err... Shrew use gnaw!
SHREW used GNAW!
SHREW GNAWED at CREAM on RATTATA's tail!
It's super effective!
CREAM fainted!
SHREW gained 74 exp!
RATTATA took damage from having its tail GNAWED on!
RATTATA called for HELP!
But no one came!
Try a pound?
SHREW used POUND!
SHREW gave £1 to RATTATA!
RATTATA accepts the BRIBE!
RATTATA fainted!
SHREW gained 13 exp!
So, any thoughts?
Lots!
NARRATOR goes brood in a CORNER!
It doesn't help ANYONE!
...Great.