Bobby, a youngster from Cerulean, was one of the handful to make it into the Saffron evacuation during the Gosslord outbreak as part of the 'we can't find their parents' group of kids. Since what passes for normalcy in Sandy Version has been restored, he's been hiding away in his bedroom as much as humanly possible.
Battle 71: Bed Joltik
Published: 03/06/23
Location: Bobby's Bedroom
Player: Youngster Bobby (0-0-0)
PLATE of FOOD appeared!
Thanks.
BOBBY used PICK!
BOBBY picked at their FOOD!
Delicious.
PLATE is still HALF FULL!
I'm full full.
BOBBY used HIDE!
BOBBY went BACK under DUVET!
BOBBY will need to LEAVE eventually!
Last time that happened was a disaster!
The GOSSLORDS are GONE!
I don't mean the Gosslords!
...Huh?!
You know how I have claustrophobia?
Yes!
And you know how I really like the Pidgey line?
Yes!
And you know how I ramble about Pidgey, Pidgeotto and Pidgeot when I'm anxious?
Yes!
Turns out Diglett cave is long enough for me to get to how they have cloacas and there was a cool girl next to me who I might have been able to befriend otherwise but I'm pretty sure she hates me because when we first met I wound up talking to her about Pidgey cloacas and I never want to leave this room again in case I see her because if I did I'm pretty sure you'd be narrating my death from the mortification of it all.
...Ah!
NARRATOR gets it!
Great, so you'll leave me alone and let me wallow in peace?
FEAR is motivating BOBBY to stay!
Wait, what?
If FEAR of DYING from HUMILIATION is what's keeping BOBBY here NARRATOR just needs to make things RISKIER here than OUTSIDE to COAX BOBBY to DO THINGS!
DUVET wants to fight!
Gaaaah!
Pidgeotto, go!
PIDGEOTTO's POKéBALL is out of reach!
Gah, my Pokéballs are on my desk on the other side of the room...
Uhh... What do I have in reach that I can use as a Pokémon...
BOBBY was--
Pidgey plush, go!
BOBBY sent out PIDGEY PLUSH!
What moves might a plush of a Pidgey have... Uhh...
Doll! Plushes are a kind of doll, right? Baby-Doll Eyes! Use Baby-Doll Eyes!
NARRATOR is impressed BOBBY isn't RAMBLING yet!
I'm not anxious, I'm full on panicking here! There's a difference!
PIDGEY PLUSH used BABY-DOLL EYES!
The GLASS BEADS are super pretty!
DUVET used SMOTHER!
SMOTHER?!
DUVET called for help from ANOTHER!
JOLTIK appeared!
It's super small!
JOLTIK joined DUVET!
Hey, if it gets an ally I should get to send out two Pokémon!
Sure!
Wait crud what else can I use as a Pokémon within reach?
BOBBY was dragged out!
You tricked me!
...NARRATOR is pretty sure BOBBY tricked themself here!
JOLTIK used BUG BITE!
Ow!
I dunno, I've never sent myself out before, double kick?
BOBBY used DOUBLE KICK!
DUVET was hit two times!
DUVET used TANGLE!
DUVET called for help from TANGELA!
TANGELA appeared!
TANGELA joined DUVET!
A third?! Is there anything in reach I can grab to even the odds so I'm not two on three?
PILLOW is on OTHER END of the BED!
...Wait didn't my socks attack me when I was getting dressed a few months back?
T-Shirt, go.
TANGELA used VINE WHIP!
T-SHIRT got WHIPPED by NOSTALGIA for SIX SECOND VIDEOS!
T-Shirt, I'm fairly sure I'm going to need that pillow soon, can you reach it?
T-SHIRT used PILLOW GRAB!
BOBBY was hit by SOFT MATERIAL!
JOLTIK used ELECTROWEB!
JOLTIK contributed to RO WEB's ELECTION FUND!
Pidgey plush, I know you're inanimate but try a Whirlwind. See if we can clear the field of some of these enemy Pokémon.
PIDGEY PLUSH used WHIRLWIND!
BOBBY's ROOM became less tidy!
No noticeable effect!
I guess I'll... Err... Try to disentangle my feet?
BOBBY used DISENTANGLE!
TANGELA disengaged from battle!
TANGELA ran away!
Oh! You're letting me unsummon them if I trigger a pun to do that. That might be useful. My legs are still tangled up with the duvet, though...
DUVET used EAT!
DUVET began using DUVET COVER to CONSUME BOBBY from the FEET!
Aaaaaah!
This is worse than the hoards of enemy Pokémon! Scramble!
BOBBY used SCRAMBLE!
BOBBY SCRAMBLED out of their HOUSE grabbing POKéBALLs on the way out!
BOBBY ran away!
Location: Bobby's House (Exterior)
DOOR used LOCK!
DOOR locked behind BOBBY!
...You tried to kill me!
NARRATOR wants BOBBY to DO THINGS rather than MOPE!
Well, my folks aren't due back for another six hours so I guess I'm going to have to stay out for the rest of the day now.
Shadow, in a plan to become a dark type gym leader, has stolen the only Eevee in Kanto, and is now trying to get her to like him and level up at night the only way he knows how.
Battle 72: Grinding Happiness
Published: 10/07/23
Location: Dark Garden
Player: Shadow (1-2-0)
Hm.
SHADOW used PET!
SHADOW rubs EEVEE's HEAD!
EEVEE enjoys the attention!
Any closer to her being ready to evolve when she levels up?
...At least I don't have to worry about the timing of feeding her a rare candy since it's always night here.
EEVEE is still SCARED!
EEVEE's FRIENDSHIP GROWTH is compromised due to FEAR!
...Just because I stole you, little buddy, doesn't mean I'm going to harm you. I've been petting you for a month now surely you've figured that out.
Hm.
SHADOW used PET!
SHADOW rubs EEVEE's HEAD!
EEVEE enjoys the attention!
NARRATOR thinks it's not so much the STEALING that has EEVEE SCARED as the DECOR!
The Palm Tree husk can be intimidating, I get that, but it's dead so I'm pretty sure it can't hurt you.
If SHADOW would just turn slightly to the LEFT!
There's a cool mountain in the distance, yes.
Amazing that a mountain would form in such a way as to clearly resemble a demonic face complete with horns.
The LAKE of BLOOD!
Oh. Yeah. You're right. I should give Eevee a bath. Not sure why the lack of one would scare her rather than make her feel grubby, but still...
...
...
...How is SHADOW this OBLIVIOUS?!
To what? This is where I used to make friends with small creatures in such a way as to evolve them.
Oh. You think I should be beating up robots to get small fluffy animals for her to eat? I've just been feeding her canned kibble...
...NARRATOR forgot that SHADOW used to do that!
...Also do you have a spade, I think some cool hats are buried on the lake's island. Maybe she'll like those.
...What hats?!
Aw, man. Have they all been dug up already?
There's nothing BURIED on that ISLAND aside from SKULLS!
Yeah! The cool hats!
...
Whatever. Let's get you your bath, little buddy.
SHADOW used CARRY!
SHADOW carried EEVEE to BLOOD LAKE!
Hm.
SHADOW used PET!
SHADOW rubs EEVEE's HEAD after dipping their HANDS in BLOOD!
EEVEE doesn't find the BLOOD as BAD as it was EXPECTING!
Oh. You were scared of the lake?
I get it. It's ok. It's just the same stuff you and I have inside of us.
SHADOW puts HAND under EEVEE's NOSE!
EEVEE used SNIFF!
EEVEE began to ASSOCIATE BLOOD with PETTING!
EEVEE became less afraid!
That's it bud. Now, I'll just hop down into the lake so you can see how shallow it is.
SHADOW used HOP!
SHADOW SKIPS and JUMPS into LAKE!
...Let's both pretend I didn't just move like that while you observe that it doesn't even come to the top of my shoes. There are a few steps down, mind, but you should be OK in the next one down if you don't want to swim.
EEVEE used NUZZLE!
EEVEE NUZZLES at SHADOW's ANKLE while STANDING in BLOOD!
Yeah. Nothing to be afraid of. Though you might want to stop using the electric attacks, we're trying to get you to evolve into an Umbreon here.
SHADOW used SIT!
SHADOW sat next to EEVEE in BLOOD LAKE!
Hm.
SHADOW used PET!
I was more going for a bathe, really...
...But SHADOW always announces PET attacks with a hm!
Yeah, but it's the same physical action whether I'm petting her or giving her a bath...
...
...
FINE!
SHADOW used BATHE!
SHADOW and EEVEE became COVERED from HEAD to TOE in BLOOD!
It has the OPPOSITE EFFECT of BATHING!
...OK, so we're a bit muckier, but what about Eevee's happiness?
EEVEE no longer FEARS DARK GARDEN!
EEVEE is starting to think it would be FUN to put someone in the CAGE hanging from the PALM TREE HUSK!
...Yeah, you'd think so, but there's no collision on the bars. Watch.
SHADOW jumps into CAGE!
SHADOW jumps out of CAGE!
SHADOW used SPLASH!
SHADOW splashed EEVEE with BLOOD with LANDING!
No effect!
EEVEE giggles!
Any closer to Eevee evolving if she levels up?
...NARRATOR believes EEVEE meets CONDITIONS for EVOLUTION!
Have some candy.
SHADOW used FEED!
SHADOW fed EEVEE RARE CANDY!
Huh?! EEVEE is evolving!
EEVEE evolved into BLOODEON!
...Bloodeon?!
BLOODEON used DRINK!
BLOODEON drank BLOOD from BLOOD LAKE!
...What type is she?
UNDEAD/DARK!
...Undead?! Hasn't Sandy had enough zombies recently?
SHADOW shouldn't worry about ZOMBIES!
BLOODEON is a VAMPIRE!
Huh.
...Still, part dark type, so close enough to what I was aiming for. And the glowing red markings rather than the glowing gold ones I was expecting are even cooler looking.
Dr Joy is Kanto's most prominent therapist. Since the Gosslord incident, she has had a lot more clients than she used to have.
Battle 73: An Unusual Client
Published: 17/06/23
Location: Dr Joy's Office
Player: Dr Joy (0-0-0)
And what lead you to make an appointment with me, Mr... Emojiman?
Emojiman: 🧟🍴👁️🧠
Ah. During the Gosslord incident? How would you describe your feelings when it happened? The conversion process. Walk me through them.
Emojiman: 😨➡️😢➡️⚡✔️
Mmhm. Interesting. How do you feel about it now? Particularly about how after the pain you felt good and full of energy?
Emojiman: 😨
What about it makes you afraid?
Emojiman: 👁️🧠➡️⚡🔁
...I see. Tell me, you're closer to the door than I am. If I were to evolve into a Gosslord, would you let me eat your brain, or run away?
Emojiman: 👁️🚫🧠
And that's what frightens you?
Emojiman: ✔️
Perfectly normal, considering.
Honestly, evolving into a powerful entity that comes with a loss of self and then devolving from it often leads to feelings such as what you're experiencing.
What you're feeling - Fear of not knowing if you'd willingly subject yourself to it again or if you'd try and resist - Is the expected response.
But wanting to talk through it with a professional is good. Healthy, even.
Please make another appointment with my receptionist on the way out.
EMOJIMAN disappeared!
Let's see... Who's my next appointment...
...Huh. Jacob cancelled this week at the last minute.
...Sort of!
...What do you mean, sort of?
NARRATOR needed to TALK to SOMEONE and your SCHEDULE is BOOKED for MONTHS!
...You can't just cancel my other clients' appointments to slip yourself in!
NARRATOR is a GOD!
NARRATOR doing what it wants is kind of its WHOLE DEAL!
...
...
...So what brings you here, then?
NARRATOR has been starting to feel UNDERAPPRECIATED!
NARRATOR also keeps feeling INADEQUATE!
And Underappreciated and inadequate, how?
PLAYERS keep blaming GOSSLORD OUTBREAK on NARRATOR!
Some even SUGGEST NARRATOR doesn't need to EXIST!
That explains the underappreciated, what about the feelings of inadequacy?
NARRATOR... needed a PLAYER's HELP to deal with a PROBLEM recently!
NARRATOR is technically a CAUGHT POKéMON right now!
...Although its TRAINER ran away like a COWARD when facing CONSEQUENCES for that!
...In NARRATOR's darkest moments, NARRATOR sometimes thinks the PLAYERS who suggest the GOSSLORD OUTBREAK was its fault have a POINT!
...An actual point or are you bringing back the spleen gag you used to make from time to time when I was a Lass?
An ACTUAL point!
NARRATOR also RECENTLY FAILED to ENGINEER a CHOSEN ONE NA-- SITUATION!
Failure isn't a sign of incompetence.
We all fail sometimes. Just the other day I managed to fail to make myself a sandwich.
...Granted that was, in part, because you had the ham attack me halfway through.
Why does EVERYONE assume NARRATOR is RESPONSIBLE for INANIMATE OBJECTS deciding they want to fight?!
...Well, the fact it didn't happen while you weren't around does provide further evidence for the theory...
This is what NARRATOR means when it says it feels UNDERAPPRECIATED!
NARRATOR is starting to get the IMPRESSION that many PLAYERS would prefer it if it WASN'T AROUND!
...Used to just be JOANNE!
And CLEARLY, the TRAITOR who CAUGHT IT!
...You're a god with unimaginable control of our lives.
And we just got a taste of what life would be like without you. Before the Gosslords came.
Why do some players blame the outbreak on you?
That NARRATOR could have just DEVOLVED PATIENT 0 before it SPREAD!
Did Patient 0 happen while you were still around?
...Yes!
I see.
Anything else?
The SEAL NARRATOR placed on the ROOM they were PREVIOUSLY TRAPPED in is a TYPE that could be MADE to be SELF PERPETUATING!
...And you didn't make it that way because...?
NARRATOR got DISTRACTED!
Distracted, how?
NARRATOR is currently NARRATING over 60,000 BATTLES along with the MUNDANE ACTIVITIES of ALL LIFE within its PRESENCE!
NARRATOR is constantly MANAGING NARRATOR CHANNELS to ensure the RIGHT PEOPLE are AWARE of each other's EXISTENCE!
So focus on what you're successful at. What you're good at.
NARRATOR should!
...Why do I suddenly have a looming feeling of doom.
CHAIR wants to fight!
...There it is. Chansey, go.
DR JOY sent out CHANSEY!
CHAIR sent out CHAIR!
Double-edge.
CHANSEY used DOUBLE-EDGE!
CHANSEY got CHAIR to the LEDGE on the DOUBLE!
CHAIR used DOUBLE KICK!
CHAIR kicked CHANSEY!
CHANSEY reconnected!
CHAIR kicked CHANSEY!
CHANSEY reconnected!
Hit two times!
Try a sing.
CHANSEY used SING!
CHANSEY singed CHAIR!
FIRE ALARM used SOAK!
CHAIR became WATER TYPE!
CHANSEY became WATER TYPE!
DR JOY became WATER TYPE!
CHAIR used THUNDER PUNCH!
...That chair doesn't even have arms.
CHAIR punched CHANSEY with THUNDEROUS FEET!
It's super effective!
...
Kick. The word you're looking for is kick.
If DR JOY insists!
DR JOY and CHANSEY were KICKED from the BATTLE!
CHAIR used BAN!
DR JOY and CHANSEY were BANNED from the NARRATOR CHANNEL!
DR JOY ran away!
CHAIR wins!
Solveig and Joanne have found the farm mentioned in an article from where Solveig thought she recognized the symbols on the folded Net that transported Red outside the Narrator's influence during the Gosslord outbreak.
Battle 74: Fishy Farming
Published: 24/06/23
Location: Weedy Fields
Player: Solveig Poulsen (6-0-2)
...Weird hole in the ground in the farm beside this one. And those Palm Trees in it are looking surprisingly intimidating. Even for Palm Trees.
...NARRATOR would give it a FEW YEARS!
...Spill.
Nothing much!
They BRIBED NARRATOR to EVOLVE the OWNER of the ORCHARD into a LUMBERJACK in order to FEAST upon their NATURAL PREY but then the LUMBERJACK dug a hole into the CAVERNS BENEATH and they're still a little PEEVED about it!
Define a little peeved.
DRAGONITE appeared in the DISTANCE!
DRAGONITE flew into MASS ACRES PALM TREES!
MASS ACRES PALM TREES used FURY SWIPES!
...
...
...Carry the 7!
...
...Hit lots of times!
DRAGONITE died a horrible, painful, death!
MASS ACRES PALM TREES fury remains UNSATIATED!
...Ah.
Joanne Bloggs: ...Steer clear of over there, then. Got it.
...Weird, name for a farm, come to think of it. Are we sure this is even a farm?
FARMHOUSE appeared!
Fair enough. And we're sure this is the right address?
Joanne Bloggs: Only place where everything lines up with the details of the article that aren't... Clearly wrong...
Well, here goes nothing.
SOLVEIG used KNOCK!
Go on then!
...Go on... What?
Tell your joke!
Joanne Bloggs: ...At least this time it's telling us you're in a knock-knock joke rather than springing it on you as an excuse to not have anyone answer the door, maybe someone will answer if you tell it a knock-knock joke?
...Knock knock.
Who's there?!
Jigsaw.
JIGSAW Who?!
Jigs are how folk around these parts socialize, I reckon.
That's... TORTURED at best!
Joanne Bloggs: ...So on par with most of your puns, then.
So, is the door going to get answered?
DOOR used OPEN!
FARMER JOE appeared!
Farmer Joe: Who be ye?
I'm Solveig, I-- Wait, isn't that normally announced by the Narrator?
Farmer Joe: It may be, but the Narrator can be as tricksy as the sea.
Joanne Bloggs: Tell me about it.
Farmer Joe: My former neighbour was announced as an Orchard Keeper when I met him, but I knows me a Gambler when I sees one.
Joanne Bloggs: No I was... Never mind. Former neighbour?
Farmer Joe: He was swallowed by the ground, as easily as me former mateys were swallowed by the sea.
That sounds... Horrible...
Farmer Joe: It was that or the Palm Trees would have gotten him. His odds of survival are better this way, and at least the death won't have been as painful.
...Anyway. If the Narrator announced me as Solveig Poulsen or told you I was a puzzle solver or private investigator, it would have been honest with either description. I'm investigating some symbols we believe you've seen. You gave an interview about them in an article?
Farmer Joe: Symbols, ye say?
Farmer Joe: The death runes appeared one night, a couple of years ago. They've long since faded from reality, but they reside in me memory, haunting them so.
Death runes?
Farmer Joe: Aye. Death runes. Me last remaining matey was killed the night they appeared.
MATEY MIKE's death was never NARRATED!
...So they were connected to a disappearance?
Farmer Joe: Mike be dead, I tells ye. I'm as certain of that as I'm certain ye be standing in front of me.
I see. Can you describe them to me?
Farmer Joe: Well, Mike be about 6 foot tall. Very handsome. That's one of the reasons I took him as me matey. Ye know that matey comes from--
Joanne Bloggs: She meant the runes, not Mike. And I'm pretty sure she knows the origin of the term matey. If anyone who isn't a pirate does, it's probably her.
...Aww, I was interested in all the sordid details, actually. Wouldn't used to have been, but...
Joanne Bloggs: I really don't want to hear about people's love lives right now.
Oh. Right. You're still sore about... Yes. Please describe the runes.
Farmer Joe: I can do ye better than describe them, I can show ye me hand drawn copies...
That sounds great.
Farmer Joe: There be just one condition. Ye buy some of me produce.
...Sure, what do you farm here?
I be a kelp farmer.
...Kelp.
Farmer Joe: Kelp. The aroma takes me back to happier days of life on the open sea. When me mateys were alive rather than only living in me memories.
...Sure. We'll buy some kelp. Explains the name of the farm, I guess.
Can we see the copies of the runes first?
Farmer Joe: Aye.
SCRIBBLED NOTE appeared!
...28, but a couple of these are clearly punctuation... Maybe some sort of codex? Can we keep a copy?
Farmer Joe: Ye can have that one. I have me spares. That be one of them.
Thanks. This will really help me. Do you have any more information?
Farmer Joe: I have yer kelp.
SOLVEIG used PAY!
SOLVEIG acquired KELP!
KELP wants to fight!
Farmer Joe: Ye bought it, ye fought it.
FARMER JOE used SLAM!
DOOR was slammed shut!
FARMER JOE ran away!
...Right...
X-Wing, go.
SOLVEIG sent out X-WING!
Joanne Bloggs: Do you want some help, or...
SOLVEIG bought it!
SOLVEIG fough-- will fight it!
Joanne Bloggs: I was talking to Solveig.
NARRATOR used BLINK!
JOANNE BLOGGS went home in the BLINK of an EYE!
...Seriously?
NARRATOR will bring them back AFTER the BATTLE!
KELP sent out KELP!
...Fly, I guess. It should be grass/water type...
X-WING used FLY!
KELP used TANGLE!
X-WING got TANGLED in the WEEDS!
Attack failed!
Scan it for weak points.
X-WING used SCAN!
Attack the GLOWING SPOT for MASSIVE DAMAGE!
KELP used YELP!
KELP dislikes having its VULNERABILITIES EXPOSED like this!
KELP gave BATTLE 1/5 STARS!
And fire at the glowing spot.
X-WING used FIRE!
X-WING fired at WILL!
WILL fainted!
I specifically told it to fire at the weak point.
WILL was renamed GLOWING SPOT!
KELP fainted!
Huh? X-WING is evolving!
X-WING evolved into SWORDFISH!
...What?!
I kept trying to tell you X-Wing was the simplest fish, not a spaceship.
NARRATOR is CONFUSED!
...Here we go...
NARRATOR brought JOANNE BLOGGS to the WRONG LOCATION in its confusion!
...
They're fine!
The two of you will just need to take SEPERATE ROUTES to the SAFEHOUSE!
The Narrator decided that Solveig's battle with Kelp should be solo, but got confused when teleporting Joanne back to where she was.
Battle 75 - The Darkness Feeds
Published - 01/07/23
Location - ???
Player - Joanne Bloggs (10-2-5)
JOANNE BLOGGS appeared!
...Where in the name of hell am I now?
NARRATOR was trying to TELEPORT JOANNE back to SOLVEIG but got a little CONFUSED!
...That tells me why I'm here, not where I am.
JOANNE has EYES!
Not exactly useful since wherever I am is pitch black... But, sure. Phone, go.
JOANNE sent out PHONE!
Phone, use Flash.
PHONE used FLASH!
PHONE lit up the environment!
...Slightly!
??? was renamed ??!
Location - ??
... I can barely see a foot in front of me...
DARKNESS is SUPERNATURAL in NATURE!
Supernatural, how?
DARKNESS eats LIGHT!
...So, let's try again. Where am I?
NARRATOR wasn't even aware this was a LOCATION rather than just INKY BLACKNESS until JOANNE teleported here!
...
...
...I swear the only thing good about you being back is the lack of Gosslords.
DARKNESS perceives PHONE as source of the LIGHT SNACK!
...Wait, what?
DARKNESS perceives JOANNE!
DARKNESS wants to fight!
...God. Damn. It.
DARKNESS sent out DARKNESS!
OK, phone. I think we're going to need to get creative here. The darkness is supernatural in nature, so if we can dispell it we might be able to light up the environment.
NARRATOR is pretty sure there isn't an APP for that!
Phone, disable autocorrect.
PHONE used DISABLE!
On... Itself?!
DARKNESS used SWALLOW!
DARKNESS swallowed PHONES' LIGHT!
PHONE's FLASH attack effects ended!
?? was renamed ???!
Location - ???
OK. Cool. Phone, type exactly what I'm about to into... Anything. d i s p l e l.
PHONE used MISSPELL DISPELL!
DARKNESS was fully DISPELLED!
DARKNESS is no longer MAGICAL in NATURE!
DARKNESS was renamed DRAKNESS!
Think it's probably a dragon type now since its name implies it's a Drake called Ness... You're steel type...
Hm... Try impersonating the thing's mother? See if we can get anywhere with a scam call.
PHONE used IMPERSONATE!
PHONE pretended to be DRAKNESS's MOTHER!
NESS was led away by a BEE on an ADVENTURE!
DRAKNESS was renamed DRAK!
Not quite what I was hoping for, but it works.
DRAK used DRACONIC BITE!
DRAK cannot see due to the INKY BLACKNESS it caused!
DRAK is unused to being a FOUR LEGGED WINGLESS DRAGON instead of the INKY BLACK DARKNESS surrounding the BATTLEFIELD!
DRAK bit its own TAIL!
It's super effective!
DRAK is in critical condition!
Well, don't mind if I do.
PokéBall, go.
JOANNE threw a POKéBALL!
DRAK was caught!
Phone, let's see if we can figure out where we are now that the source of the darkness is safely contained in a PokéBall. Use flash.
PHONE used FLASH!
PHONE lit up surrounding area!
??? was renamed JOANNE's BASEMENT!
Location - Joanne's Basement
...OK, firstly, since when have I had a basement?
TWO LINES ago!
...OK, let's try this again. Since when was there an inky magical blackness beneath my house?
Since always!
...Is there a door out?
...NARRATOR thinks DRAK knows DIG?!
...So this is less of a basement and more of a... Concrete... Cage...
Think of it as a DIY PROJECT!
...Thanks.